Suffering Souls
by WithinALifetime
Summary: Dauntless was supposed to be her escape, but with an approaching Faction war and a horrifying secret, Calla might find more bad than good in her new home. Especially when she finds herself entangled with the youngest and cruelest Dauntless leader.
1. Chapter 1: The Defector

I don't believe in a perfect world full of perfectly good people, and looking back maybe that's why I've never really lived up to anything. Or why I've never felt completely at home in the fields of Amity- or why I wasn't shocked when I received my test results. There is something that the Amity have right, this meditative idea they have going for them is compelling. It was always the one thing I never quite dreaded about life here. But any appreciation I have for the Amity way of seeking content has been trashed along with any respect I have for this place.

It's all just fake. Not fake in the way a lie might disguise itself but more in the way of a lie forcing itself to be real. Adding a little bit of peace serum into my food was always the way to pacify my raged tantrums or my endless tossing and turning in the night.

They always saw me as something damaged- something that had to be mended and put back together.

I'm done with trying to mend myself, because I don't think I'm broken in the way all of their faces look at me like I am. There is something dark inside of me that I know will be my obstacle to overcome to gain that ultimate end goal- but to "fix" me would be trying to make me back to what I was. But I can't go back. I've changed. I've aged. For better or worse I am the person I am today through the trauma that occurred one miserable night near eight years ago.

The scars on my back from the night will fade with time and the nightmares and constant paranoia will wane away as well. They have to. Time dulls all memories.

"Calla!" The whimsical sound of my mother's voice drifts throughout our open lay out. I breathe in the scent of the fields and my mother's flowers and try not to dwindle on the idea that this will be the last time I can indulge in the redolent scent of my home. With every bad memory associated in Amity I have a good one in this place- excluding my bedroom. I save any break down or nightmare for there and allow the rest to remain untainted and lighthearted.

"Coming Mommy!" I call back as I tug annoyed at my orange skirt. I imagine my journey to the Dauntless Compound will be easier done in pants, but I don't think I even own a pair.

The thought of arriving in Dauntless leaves an evocative feeling in my chest. It is accompanied by the pain of unease as well but at least I've somewhat pacified my anxiety. That's something, right?

"Calla do you really want to be late to your Choosing Ceremony?" My mother asks as she approaches my still unmoving figure. I look away from the bright scenery outside and focus in on the soft face of my mother. More pain in my chest.

I like to imagine I look like her, mostly because of her natural beauty. It is the kind of natural look one would hope to have at least inherited just a bit of. Her soft, light blonde hair matched with pale skin set her aside from the mainly sun-kissed faces of Amity, including my own. My mother being a nurse has had the fortune to maintain the porcelain look to her skin. When I was little I had her skin, but over time I've manage to actually maintain a tan beyond just turning into tomato face. My face has freckled lightly from the sun exposure.

My hair on the other hand I had inherited from my father, red. I'll admit it has been one of my favorite traits of myself a nice distraction with the appearances of new freckles or blemishes. To my mother, I imagine it is an unfortunate reminder of her late husband.

Instead of looking worried by the way I seem to analyze her face, Mom's green eyes just look back at me in silence.

It suddenly becomes apparent to me that she must know what is about to happen. Not very often does a child speak about their plans to defect to their parents, but I imagine both side often know. Avoidance of the obvious has always pained me, for reasons mostly personal.

"I love you." I whisper and her expression changes into a sad smile.

"I know you do, and I love you too Ali." I breathe in her voice and the sound of her nickname for me in, I have to enjoy emotionally squishy moments like this while I can. I don't really see the Dauntless being one for these kind of heartfelt moments. I'm not really either, except when it comes to my mother.

"Just… I'm sorry Mommy." I say and find myself choking back tears. How could I be the girl who has a record of punching and kicking other children, who picked up the knife instead of the cheese and killed the dog?

"Don't ever be guilty, all you are doing is following your heart. What more have I ever asked from you?"

Reassurance floods over me. All this time, I extended my hands in greed towards courage. It just wasn't that easy. I need to overcome that mental obstacle and that means becoming physically strong first.

I wanted to be strong, to not have to be the victim ever again.

So I spent nights doing seemingly pointless activities, reading books that an Amity shouldn't read. All for the sake of what is to happen next. For my future.

To be strong.

That is the final goal, to be strong, to prove my bravery. And as I leave my home for possibly the last time, I begin for the first time to feel something.

I feel _brave._

* * *

My blood sizzles on the hot coal of the Dauntless bowl and I feel the cool rush of blood dripping over my palm. I cut too deep. The sight of blood never really affected me, if anything it has always been an intriguing thing. Almost beautiful. But whether from the pressure of my decision or the lose of blood so quickly, I find my vision blurring. The sound of shouting Dauntless doesn't help either.

Suddenly I feel like vomiting. Instead of vomiting I take the bandage handed to me and try to suppress the bleeding. I've worked with my mother before in the infirmary and with all the tools Amity uses it isn't uncommon to have a cut like this show up on one of the workers- so I know how to handle the cut.

Slowly making my way to the sea of black, only dotted with the few blotches of color from other transfers. I must look like death to this people. As I pass through to find a seat a few people pat me on the back in congratulations. I fall into the first seat I find and try to focus the world. I find an anchor in squeezing the bandage around my hand and focusing in on the faces surrounding me.

So this is my new faction. One choice and here I am- one second just changed my life. These people know nothing about me besides my Faction of origin and that I've decided to become Dauntless. And that is is exhilarating.

They know nothing about me. Could I have asked for anything better? They don't know what happened to me eight years ago, they don't know that I'm known for acting out or that my father left my mother. They don't know about the time I was attacked on the way to the hub, except one.

I can start fresh.

A pressure is lifted off my shoulders and I begin having to refrain myself from breaking out in laughter. It isn't until I feel a tap on my shoulder that I'm brought back to Earth. A small girl in all grey sits next to me with a nervous face painted across her trembling face.

"Hello," she whispers, careful not to be disruptive.

"Hi." I say unsure why she is looking at me the way she is- almost in admiration.

"I want to thank you-

But before she can finish off her sentence we are pushed forward by the bodies around us, everyone begins jumping out of their seats. We sit shell shocked by the sudden whooping around us. Since when did the Ceremony even end?

"Come on transfers!" Someone says beside us before running along with the rest of the Dauntless.

I get up quickly and know what I need to do and what I'm expected to do- keep up. I turn quickly when remembering the Abnegation girl. "Come on!" I say suddenly finding a wild smile drawn across my face.

She responds with a nod and a smile, she gets up and we begin to run. I have no problem catching up to the rest of the Dauntless but I find her struggling.

Refusing to let go of the first person I've talked to in Dauntless, I pray my bandage stick to my skin, releasing from my grasp to drag the girl behind me. Amity live a much more active lifestyle than Abnegation. But she's going to have to learn quickly. Maybe it is the innocent look in her deer like brown eyes that has had me suddenly attached to the idea of making sure she makes it to the Dauntless Compound, or maybe it is just the Amity in me trying to maintain the peace.

Either way I know that getting left behind means becoming Factionless and I'm not sure I want to see that happen to this girl- she barely passes for fourteen let alone sixteen.

"Are they climbing up there and jumping on the train?" I hear the nameless girl say behind me in ragged breaths. I sigh; of course they have to be jumping onto a moving train. They're Dauntless. No baby steps for newbies I guess.

Not only are they jumping but to even get that far means climbing up the sides of the platform to reach the train tracks.

"Just watch what they do." I call back to her, increasing our speed, but careful not to run as fast as I know I can because then she won't have the energy to get onto the train.

We reach the pillars holding up the platform and I groan as I realize I'm going to have to use my hand, it still stings. I begin climbing anyway, with caution but still a sense of urgency. I look down once to make sure the Abnegation is beginning to climb under me, she is.

I reach the platform with a burning hand, but I made it, and so did the girl.

"Now's the hard part." A Dauntless says as they run past us.

As we sprint alongside the train I notice the number of compartments dwindling. We need to catch up now, or we are going to get left behind. "Push!" I saw just as I let go of her hand to jump and squirm my way into one of the train compartments. Looking outside I stick my hand out for the girl, she grabs it and I pull her inside.

Once we are both safely in, we both stay on the floor; with her trying to catch her breath and me trying to stop the spinning.

"I thought Abnegation were the selfless ones." I hear something snicker. I roll my eyes and sit up by the girl.

"Sit up." I whisper and she does as told, knowing why. No point in us looking weak. "What's your name?" I ask and imagine it has to be something as soft sounding as her appearance would lead you to believe.

"Willow- but you can call me Willa, I like the sound of it better." She says with a grin that reveals a small gap in between her front two teeth. It is less of a hinder to her appearance and more of a small quirk that adds to her character. "What is your name?"

"Cal- yeah Cal." I say stumbling on a decision but decide it sounds right. It feels like me but doesn't entrap me within my Amity identity.

"Thank you very much for helping me, you really didn't have to do that. You should have worried about yourself."

"Hey, you're not Abnegation anymore, remember?" I say and poke her shoulder. "What were you going to say to me back there?" I say as I recall her getting cut off before she could thank me for something.

"I wanted to thank you for transferring. I don't think I would've had the guts if I didn't see- well you know, no one expects people like _us_ to transfer. And I'm not exactly some strong and beautiful Dauntless girl potential anyway." She says.

"Maybe not yet, but if you came here you must've for a reason, right?"

"I shouldn't be here really, my Aptitude tested me for Abnegation I just- I hate it there. I hate even having to wear these clothes anymore." She says as she fidgets in the unflattering gray sheets the Abnegation call clothes.

'Trust me, I understand." I wonder if I still would transfer if I didn't test for Dauntless. I can't imagine not, nothing about living in Amity appealed to me if it meant changing who I was, even the prospect of staying with my mother or the general familiarity probably couldn't have kept me there. I hated it; I hated singing and hated how everyone would just pretend like my voice didn't sound like crap. Happiness there felt fake.

When I look at people in Dauntless they look wild and free, maybe a little bit impulsive and reckless but the way they try and achieve joy through pushing themselves to become stronger always has seemed more real than sitting around a campfire ever could to me. They're strong.

We watch out the windows at the passing scenery, silent. I take solace in the quiet and suddenly realize I didn't even catch a last glimpse of my mother after the Ceremony. I curse silently to myself. I had been too caught up in things. I wonder what she looked like, if she cried.

Looking out the train I see how far we are from the Hub now.

"Ready to jump, girls?" A pierced man says from behind us. We both stare with wide eyes as he opens the compartment door; we watch Dauntless jump in a wave down the train compartments and land onto a concrete roof.

"Not really." Willa says and the man gives a hearty laugh.

"Too bad." He replies as he walks forward to the edge of the train along with the other two in our compartment. I join them and hope Willa has the sense to do so as well. When the first in our compartment jumps I force myself to jump as well, scared of passing the roof without jumping.

Taking too long to notice if I jumped far enough to land on the roof I forget to pay attention to landing on the roof. Attempting to roll like the others too late I find myself skidding across the concrete and feel an immediate burn on my knees. Looks like I ruined my skirt. Great, and above all I have at least ten eyes watching my "elegant" landing. At least I see Willa on the ground next to me.

"Get up transfers!" I hear someone shout from out of view. I don't miss a beat to stand up, brushing the rubble off myself.

 _Please no one notice how much of a mess I am right now._ I desperately plead, if being dressed in bright yellow and orange wasn't enough. At least the gray of Willa's clothes blend into the roof. How envious I am of her right now.

"Listen up!" I choke on dust and stand up to walk towards the crowd joined around a man standing up on the ledge of the roof. The fact he is standing on the ledge of a skyscraper doesn't seem to bother him- but I can see why. He is the kind of man that is a manifestation of a fear in itself. Too intimidating to be bothered with something as petty as the risk of death. "I'm Eric, one of the leaders here at Dauntless. Which if you want to enter- is waiting for you down there." He looks backwards off the side of the building.

People begin to whisper and I frown.

"It's safe right?" Someone asks.

"Jump and find out." Eric responds nonchalantly as his gaze runs over the crowd before stopping in the direction of Willa and I. "You want to be the first to jump, Stiff?" He smirks as if this has a greater meaning that the rest of us don't understand. His entire demeanor was demeaning like that- as if you couldn't _possibly_ understand what was going on in his mind. "Or how about a Dauntless born, so you don't embarrass yourselves by having a transfer go before you?"

A large part of me just wants to push him over the ledge and another wants to leap off myself, I can't help but be curious as to see what really lies at the bottom of the leap of faith. There has to be something. After all they aren't going to plan on killing off all their new members, right?

Then again there was no safety nets between the train and the roof.

"I'll go." A Dauntless born finally decides. Eric jumps down from the ledge and pats the boy on the back before retreating to watch with folded arms from the side. His eyes judging everything about the boy as he climbs to the ledge, looking down for a moment before nearly slipping.

"Jump now or don't jump at all." Eric says and the boy turns to look at him quickly before walking off. It is exhilarating in a way- I know he is safe but to just see someone walk off a building, it's strange. Intriguing.

Jeez who knew I was so messed up?

We all stay silent as we hear screams following the Dauntless born's descent- before the distinct sound of laughter echoes from below.

"Next!" Eric says and I see someone shove Willa from besides me, taunting her. I'm about to say something to the Erudite but as soon as he directs his attention to me I see that I'm no different than her in his opinion. While she is a stiff I'm just some banjo playing Amity. As a Candor girl takes her leap of faith I maintain my eye contact with the boy and push forward in the crowd.

Two people have gone now so I know it is undeniably safe. But going before that Erudite boy makes me feel pride. I glance back at him with a blank look, making sure he sees that some banjo playing Amity is going before him.

"Step right up, Amity!" Eric sneers as he pats the ledge. "Take a good look at the sunlight, not much down there… if you make it down there." I ignore his words and awkwardly climb up onto the ledge, making sure not to have my dress ride up, the stupid thing.

I take a second step onto the ledge and dare to look downward; I can feel my body sway with my thoughts and alongside the fear I contemplate the strange desire to jump. Not wanting to have to be told to hurry, I allow my body to leave the safety of the roof and soar through the hole in the lower building.

My mouth opens to scream but no sounds come out, and when my body hits something it isn't the floor but a net. Bouncing up once, I find myself chuckling as I stare up at the last time at the sun. Eric is right about one thing- not much sun down here.

I feel myself rolling to the side as someone at the side of the net pulls down the net. "Having fun there, Amity?

Not answering, I try to crawl over to the side- not wanting to get crushed by the next jumper.

Holding the net down is a handsome and classically intimidating Dauntless male. He extends his hand, which I take, but instead of allowing him to help me out I make a sad attempt on my own. I'm not much for touching. Elegance aside I make it out of the net just as the next jumper comes screaming.

"Name?" The man asks me, looking at me as if I'm some sort of strange creature.

"Cal." I answer, more comfortable saying it now.

"Third jumper, Cal!"

* * *

A/N: I know this kind of story has been done before, but I'm hoping to make it original, and perhaps dark. Dark stories are fun :) Just a little explanation of the setting so things make sense:

-This takes place after Tris' year, so she is at Dauntless and there was never any attack on Abnegation.

-The whole third book, is pretty much not going to happen in this story, some things and ideas will be used but for the most part this is going to be made up by myself

-I don't own Divergent :)

Any feedback is super appreciated! I love reading reviews and any kind of idea or suggestion you guys might have! And I'll happily answer any questions.


	2. Chapter 2: Training Begins

_"Strength doesn't come from what you can do. It comes from overcoming the things you once thought you couldn't." -Rikki Rogers_

 _Song Suggestion: Disparate Youth by Santigold_

Chapter Two: Training Begins

"Third jumper, Cal!" The man shouts backwards to a man with a clipboard, who quickly writes it down.

Smiling I watch from the side as each Initiate jumps, fortunately Willa made the decision to jump as well. She comes down twentieth.

"Dauntless born with Lauren, Transfers with me!" The man who was calling name says and the group splits up. I count the number of transfers as we begin walking, thirteen. Not including Willa and I, the numbers are composed of only Candor and Erudite. _Why does that feel like more than usual?_

Four Erudites and seven Candors- I guess there is something brave about honesty.

I wonder when I'll be able to change out of my torn up Amity outfit as we follow the man down a blue lit hallway. "My name is Four, I work in the Control room for most of the year but will be training initiates for the next few weeks."

 _Like the number?_ I'm not the only one who wanted a fresh start it seems, does that mean Four was a transfer too? At least I hope his parents didn't name him that…

"Down here is the Pit. It will be where you spend most of your free time here in Dauntless. Not that you'll get much during Initiation." We emerge out of the hallway to a narrow and rocky path overlooking a giant room with loud crowds of people mingling among the floor. It can't even be past four and drinks are already being passed around in the general spirit of Dauntless rowdiness.

We follow Four down the narrow pathway and into a hallway where the sudden appearance of crashing water echoes off the walls. "And this is the Chasm. Stay away from it unless you have a death wish." I see Four pat the railing of the Chasm's bridge almost in respect.

"Do people really commit suicide here?" An Erudite girl asks.

Four backs away from the Chasm, "At least a few a year."

"Not very brave." A Candor girl comments.

Four doesn't respond to the girl, and I can't see his face to read what he is thinking. Luckily, we don't stick around the Chasm for very long. I'm glad for that- it reeks of death. Not literally but in a spiritual sense, almost as if I can just imagine the figures of Dauntless jumping off the sides. It doesn't settle well in my stomach.

As we continue walking, I marvel at the idea of ever learning my way around here. That is when we arrive at two metal doors. Four pushes them open to reveal a simple room decorated in beds, chests sitting at the front of each. The room is all grey; the only lighting is the fluorescent light bulbs that hang from the ceiling. "Not like home, huh?" Someone says as they jab at my back.

I turn back expecting another look resembling the one from the Erudite boy on the roof, but instead I'm met with a smiling Erudite girl.

"Huh?" I say but she just redirects her attention to Four.

"This will be your rooming quarters during your Initiation. Boys and girls." A few whistle and jeer at this but I'm too preoccupied by fear to notice who. "You'll love the bathrooms." And then it is like the room has gone dark. I trail behind Four in a trance as I see the bathrooms to be just as expected- open. The showerheads assembled in a slightly tiled off section in the middle of the room with not even stalls for the toilets.

"Seriously?" I find myself whispering.

"I'm sure we will get use to it," Someone whispers to me in a comforting tone, I look to see Willa. But even the peace I find in her general cheer isn't enough for me.

"Get changed and then, we're burning your clothes." Four says as he leaves us. We notice a stack of clothes sitting on one of the beds. When I grab a shirt and pair of pants my size, I leave the crowd to analyze the room before finding comfort in a bed on the far side of the wall. There are definitely more then thirteen beds in here. Guess they were expecting more people. Willa takes the bed next to mine and we both begin to change in silence.

Making sure to pull my pants up before removing my skirt, I'm watchful as I change. The air is too cold on my exposed skin and my nerves are making me nauseous.

"I thought Amity were, free loving and all. Why are you so modest?" A Candor girl, whose name I believe is Connie, asks.

"Never was into the sort of thing." I say shrugging, happy to be safely changed and not longer in torn clothes. No longer sticking out like a highlighter is nice as well.

"Well you know why I'm modest." Willa says, we chuckle and I silently thank her for switching the attention off me. I wonder if she did it on purpose, she is Abnegation born.

When going to burn our clothes I take one last breath of home, the fabric smelling of mom's flowers and the open fields. It doesn't hurt as much as I suspected to throw it into the flames. For once I allow the negative memories of Amity to overtake the few good ones- it makes forgetting about those memories easier. The smell of earth fills the air as the bright fabrics burn.

After the burning we head down to the cafeteria where most of Dauntless are already eating. The others find spots quickly; I eventually find an empty spot by a group of Dauntless. I sit down on my own and notice them glance over at me. I try not to imagine there laughter is caused by me. Dauntless and Amity aren't enemies- but they don't like each other either. I knew before I transferred that it'd be hard to rid myself of the Amity transfer image.

I look at the food in front of me and place a chunk of meat onto my plate, Amity never had a lot of meat, but I find my mouth watering at the sight. It's enough to forget that I'm sitting all by myself.

"You know if it is bad to be an Abnegation transfer, it must be even worse to have your only friend be from Amity." Willa whispers in my ear as she sits down next to me.

 _Friend?_ I smile and chuckle at that, relieved she is sitting next to me. Suddenly comforted, I look around the cafeteria for the other Initiates. The Dauntless born are integrated into the Dauntless and it seems for the most part the Erudite sit with the Erudite and the Candor with Candor, until I see the Erudite girl who had talked to me before leave the other Erudites and head in our direction. She lands heavily into the sit across from us with a smile.

"Hello." She says. "Cal and Willa right?"

I don't ask how she knows and instead nod. "You?" I ask.

"Thea, and I don't mean to intrude but I just really hate Harvey Douglas… and Cleo." She glances at the three Erudites. "They only came here because they weren't good enough back home." She says rolling her eyes.

"This is your home now, Initiates!" A deep voice says from behind Thea. We all look up at Eric as he stands towering over Cleo. It isn't even that he is really tall, but he takes advantage of the fact she is seating and that he is standing. "Home sweet home." He glances at Willa and I before snickering and walking off to sit alone, making the Dauntless beside us even flinch as he goes.

"Of course he is sitting alone, asshat." I mutter, Thea laughing and Willa looking appalled.

Thea forks the burger in front of her. "Don't let him get to you. Amity are constantly outside. You are already more in shape for physical activity than the three kids who spent their childhoods reading books." Thea says to me, gesturing over to the Erudite on the other side of the room.

I smile at her reassurance and think to the nights spent preparing for Dauntless, it wasn't much but I like to think it made me stronger.

She then turns, glancing at Willa, I remember vaguely talk of unease between the two factions and wonder what the two are thinking. Political Issues are scarcely discussed in Amity but I do know that Erudite was making moves towards power- and that is just from what I've heard at school.

"And to be selfless- that's pretty brave." Thea says and Willa nods as if the two have an understanding, Faction before blood after all. We are all Dauntless now.

Watching the group of Candor as I eat, I see Connie sitting nearly on top of the boy next to her. It wasn't in a disgusting, too touchy-touchy sort of way. It was almost sweet, the idea that they came here together as a couple.

"The food must be strange for you two, a lot more spices and flavor then Abnegation are use to. And I _thought_ Amity weren't much of meat eaters." Thea says, smiling towards me.

I shrug, giving a closed mouth smile as I continue chewing my burger. " _They_ aren't."

We continue eating and by the time we are ready to leave the crowd has gotten excited looking up to a group of people standing above us, Eric included.

"Who are they?" Willa asks.

"The leaders." Thea answers. "The one is the middle is Max, he is the main leader of Dauntless."

"Do you think we can leave?" Willa asks.

"I'll go with you, I'm exhausted." I say and we get up.

Thea sighs, "You guys are going to sleep already?"

"Sorry," I say, frowning.

"No it's fine, I'll just go bother the Candors now. Night!" She says, getting up to walk over to the table of Candor.

"She's not like most Erudite is she, much more loose." I comment to Willa.

"I guess that's why she left." Willa says in agreement.

We empty the leftovers from our plate and leave, the first of the Intiates to do so. Maybe not the best for fitting in, but my exhaustion overpowers my need to not seem out of place. And it seems like I've already made two friends. That's more than I can say about Amity, considering my mom was my best friend.

I realize half way back to the dorms that Willa is following me and suddenly pray that I'm going the right way. I let out a sigh in relief when we reach the dorm. Maybe finding my way around the compound won't be as bad as I'd imagined.

When we enter the empty room, I realize in joy that the empty room means an empty bathroom. "Does this means I can shower in peace?" I ask myself more than Willa.

"Go for it." She says, laughing.

I move quickly, unsure when the rest will get back. I don't know Willa too well but for some reason the tiny girl was less than intimidating, the idea of showering around her didn't bother me. I undress quickly, grabbing a towel and taking a quick shower. The icy temperature of the water helping me move quickly. By the time I'm done and dressed, the first of the others arrive.

I move past them to my bed, sastified that I had the time to shower on my own. Who knows how much time I'll get to do that in the future.

How am I ever supposed to make it through this?

 _I just have to._

Can't be thinking negatively already. Trying to feel my head with more positive thoughts, I head to my bed, nestling in to rest.

Whatever the morning brings will more than likely resemble the craziness of today. Despite my fears, that thought comes with a warmth. Excitement even.

I fold myself up in blankets and rest my head against the pillow, shutting my eyes and trying to block out the noises of the others as they enter.

 _My eyes open to the sun, my hands searching the sky as I lie in a daydream, encompassed by the fields surrounding me._

 _Home, I'm home, I can smell mother's flowers so well._

 _And then footsteps… they echo around me and the sky seems to quickly shift to night. Getting up from the field I know that he is coming and try to run. But my legs are heavy and each step seems to be cut in half by the weight of the world pushing me down. Has the gravity suddenly increased?_

 _Why can't I run?_

 _My heart races and a tear trails down my cheek._

 _He is coming, he is right behind me, I can feel his breath down my neck. His disgusting breath. As soon as his hand grab onto my arms and yanks me back, the stench of him is gone, leaving me paralyzed in the dirt, people begin to walk up to me. Surrounding my paralyzed form- just staring at me._

 _Just staring. Watching me. Why won't they help me? And then- I hear laughter._

Jolting awake, I scramble to move, finding myself no longer paralyzed. I move my legs finding them also to not be back to normal. I feel a drip of sweat roll down the side of my face. Reaching up to wipe it I realize it isn't sweat but tears.

Please tell me I wasn't crying in my sleep. Looking around I see the room to be dark and everyone seems to be sleeping, except Connie. She sits up in her bed, her darkened form starring at me. Silently she creeps over to my bed. I stay silent, to afraid to ask the obvious.

She had seen me crying, great. How am I ever supposed to break free from the weak Amity image if I cry in my sleep?

"Are you alright?" She asks in a hushed whisper.

I nod quickly, partially wanting to hide away from her. But a weak part of me pleads to just continue crying and allow this girl I just met to comfort me.

"Bad dream?" She asks.

I nod again. The dream wasn't even one of the worse ones, but it still managed to leave me in a sense of dread.

"I use to get nightmares a lot when I was young, my dad would always come and read to me. I don't have anything to read to you though." She says, chuckling under her breath. I can barely see her in the darkness but see her brown curls shake a bit as she chuckles.

"It's fine, I get them a lot too. Thank you though." I say, somehow comforted by talking. It reminds me of my own mother coming to comfort me. Except I'll never get that again, another pain in my chest.

"No problem. Will you be fine?" Connie asks, I nod my head and she heads back over to her bed. "Good night, Cal."

"Good night." I say, falling back into my bed, at least I only woke up Connie. But these nightmares have to stop. I'm never going to earn respect if I'm constantly sobbing in my sleep.

With that thought in mind, I fall back to asleep, and this time- dreamlessly.

* * *

"Wake up Initiates!" The Darkness is penetrated by a bright circle of light searching over the room of sleeping Initiates. "This is your only wakeup call, be in the pit in five minutes or don't come at all." Near rolling out of bed, I find the light flashed into my sensitive eyes and groan. The light disappears and Four's figure disappears as well.

Someone near the door turns on the lights and we all begin to change into clothes quickly and in silence, all too tired to really speak. On my way out I quickly splash water on my face keep alert. I guess we aren't getting breakfast.

When we are assembled in the Pit, Four greets us with a less than excited expression; Eric rests on the wall behind him. "There are three stages to training, the first will be physical. It will push you to your physical breaking points. The second stage will be emotional, where you will face your fears. The third and final stage, will be mental." Four says pacing back and forth in front of us. "You train separately from Dauntless Born but will be ranked with them."

"Ranking will determine your futures, whether it be at the fence, which most of you will end up with, or leadership. But they also determine who gets cut." Eric says as he stands up from his position against the wall. He walks to be beside Four. "After each stage of training, those who can't keep up will be leaving us. Don't like it? Then you shouldn't have chosen Dauntless. You chose us. Now we choose you."

No one questions it; he leaves no option to. Though it is surprising with how many Candor we have. They were always the ones to speak out against teachers in class.

"If no one has any complaints, we can begin training." Four says as he begins to jog in the direction of a path we had yet to go on.

"Do we follow?" Connie asks.

"If you don't want to be Factionless, then yes!" Four calls back as we all begin to run to catch up. It is early and without any breakfast it is easy to see a lack of energy. But I know what it is like to go without food. When I understood the connection between the foggy and bright memories and bread, I found myself skipping meals in Amity. Until I was discovered, that is. The tired aching in my chest as Four increases his speed is easy to ignore as well. It just reminds me of the harvest- when we would work from sunrise to dark, not even going to school.

Thea was right, the one thing I had on the others will be my endurance. The entire time we run I'm right behind Four. We even get to go outside, the fresh air and sunlight only pushing me to keep running. I don't stop running until we end up circling back through the Pit and down a hallway into a giant room. It is best described as a warehouse turned training center. Different equipments and things I can't even comprehend the use for fill the room.

As Four gives us a moment, I find myself catching my breath with the others despite my ease with the running.

"Come on Initiates, it is time to learn to fight." I restrain from groaning as I hear Eric's voice. Why does he have to be here? Where Four was strict Eric was cruel, and what more his cruelty seemed to not be connected to a simple sadism, it was as if he was trying too hard. Only somewhere along the way he stopped trying and it just came natural. Like an asshole turned sadist.

Four seems obviously annoyed by the presence of Eric by the way he looks back at him in the way the rest of us are all secretly wanting to. "Start warming up." He tells us before going to talk to Eric. I watch Thea as she warms up, she talks about reading a lot of books concerning exercise so I trust whatever she is doing must be helping warm up something- even though it is more of a cool down after the morning of running.

I also use a few things I learned from my own stolen book, the one I had kept hidden in one of the abandoned huts. But it wasn't much.

Four and Eric talk for a good ten minutes. Their exchange of words appear angry and frustrated. If it wasn't easy to see the dislike they had for each other before it was proven now. Finally Eric leans into whisper something to Four before looking back at us, and noticing me watching him. His eyes narrow in agitation towards me as I quickly pretend to be paying close attention to a spot on the wall.

I move to the floor to do pushups, and steal a glance back over. Four is gone.

"Did he seriously leave us alone with him?" Connie complains from next to me. Her boyfriend, who I discovered is Lucas, shakes his head in frustration.

"Alright lets get started." Eric says clapping his hands together. "We are going to go over some basics."

"Where did Four go?" Kayla, one of the Candor transfers, asks in an obviously annoyed voice.

"None of your business. Now shut up and listen, maybe you won't end up factionless."

As Eric demonstrates the correct fighting poses for defending and punching- it seems easy. But as soon as we get started on the punching bags I find my first attempt to be met with an excoriating pain. It even stung my ceremonial cut.

Clenching my arm, I bite down on my lip. "Really Amity?" I hear Eric says as he passes by me, continuing to go and correct the girl next to me. I'm not even worth helping apparently. Not that I wanted help from him, but it still stung. What's even more annoying is the way the Erudite girl he helps looks up at him- dare I call the look, seductive? Gross.

 _I don't need approval from him; out of all people not him._ I give another attempt at punching the bag and find less pain. Following the correct technique Eric explained, or at least my attempt at the technique, I continue to punch and readjust the bag in a continuous cycle before finding myself giving multiple punches one after the other. The flow seemed more natural and stronger when fueled with rage.

It wasn't that I was good, I could see the difference between myself and someone like Connie, who was obviously stronger and with more apparent natural talent set her at an obviously higher standard already, but I didn't feel pathetic either.

"Look at you, sucking just a little bit less." I hear Eric say from behind me. Could that be approval in Eric's voice? At least it is not complete disgust in his voice; that is an improvement. I roll my eyes when I know he can't see me.

"Thanks." I say and continue, trying to ignore his presence. Eventually I hear him walk on to the next person.

The rest of the morning is spent with basic fighting skills, and pairing up with Willa I realize I'm definitely not the worse. It saddens me to see her falling into expectation. It is just harder for her, she is barely five feet and as skinny as can be. I just hope she is a natural with a gun.

When dismissed for lunch, Eric doesn't head in the direction of the Cafeteria with us but instead lingers when two men enter the room. On our way to lunch people begin to plot their own ideas about the disappearance of Four.

"Maybe it is because of last year." Connie comments, today sitting with us. Lucas was left alone with his two guy friends from Candor. But it does seem like the other transfers are integrating a bit more. A Candor boy is sitting with us as well, Asher. A sweet boy, I can see why he had trouble fitting in with the rowdiness of the other Candor boys.

Two Candor girls have also grouped together with the second Erudite girl, leaving the two Erudite males on their own, including the one who had tried shoving Willa to the front up on the roof.

"What was last year?" Willa asks, twirling a strand of her brown hair in her fingers.

Connie snickers. "Didn't you see him with girlfriend last night? Tris, she was an initiate last year. Trained by Four. Supposedly they didn't get together until after Tris passed but you know, people talk. And her being first didn't help."

"So they think the ranks were affected?" Thea asks.

"Some people, but Tris had record timing in stage two and so it is hard to disprove her authenticity." Asher comments.

"Please don't tell me we are going to end up trained by Eric this whole time." Willa says in genuine fear, looking over her shoulder as if he might be ready to jump out at her.

"That's impossible, doesn't he have better things to do?" Thea asks.

Fortunately, Thea was right. That afternoon Four was back without any explanation, and no one asked. If they were questioning Four's competence I hope they decided to keep him in training. While he was strict and unapproachable, when it comes to Dauntless I imagine he is the best we are going to get.

* * *

A/N: As you can see I added something, song suggestions, just like a little song I think would be good to listen with the chapter. But hey you might hate the music I pick out, so it's just a little thing.

Also I apologize for the few cliches this story does have, (Her coming from Amity... the nightmares...) I just find them to be important parts of the story despite them not being super unique. The story as a whole I'm trying to not stick to cliches though, if I drift too much into that or canon character are out of character, please tell me :)


	3. Chapter 3: The First Fight

_"Cruelty is a part of nature, at least of human nature, but it is the one thing that seems unnatural to us." –Robinson Jeffers_

 _Song Suggestion: No One's Here to Sleep by Naughty Boy ft. Bastille_

Chapter Three: The First Fight

Even with Four back, it didn't mean the disappearance of Eric. The return of Four also came as a disappointment, he was worse than ever- we were stuck with two monsters now. Is it this bad for the Dauntless born? I know Eric helps them too, but lately he has been around a lot.

"Pair up, initiates!" Four shouts and I find myself searching for Willa, but Thea has already claimed her, and Connie is paired up with Lucas. I inwardly groan as I feel the presence someone creeping up behind me.

"Training buddy?" I hear Ash say, holding up the two padded targets up in his hands.

I snicker at the sight of him, his goofy grin worn shamelessly. "Sure," I say allowing my lips to curl into a small smile. Back in Amity I made it my personal goal to avoid friendships with any male that wasn't a teacher or counselor. Lucky for me, most of the boys didn't have much interest in me anyway- probably out of fear I'd snap on them "for no reason", a bad memory comes with that.

It was a year after the incident and despite my obvious attempts to exile myself from boys and girls alike; Mikael was persistent little nine year-old. Looking back I really do sympathize for him. His mom had probably been forcing him to hang out with me to begin with. After a week of trying to put up with his annoying antics, just one playful shove and it ended up with his face in the mud.

His mother did warn him to not touch me; it hadn't been the first time I'd reacted badly, so it wasn't really "for no reason". He should've known better; but it still left me with a guilty feel in the pit of my stomach and extra bread in my meals.

But Dauntless needs to be a fresh start; I can't isolate myself like I did back home. I don't have my mother here to be my friend- I need real friends. Not just with girls, I need guy friends. My entire life for the past eight years has felt like a foggy memory, drifting through time like a ghost. Already my life feels more concrete. Like I've finally been pulled back into my body. Sometimes the feeling terrifies and leaves me feeling like I don't belong in this body, but most of the time it feels like pure bliss.

So I force a smile and remind myself that even with his rowdiness that Asher might be one of the nicest guys I've met, and I spent sixteen years in Amity.

I start off punching first; Ash holds up the padded targets in a defensive stance and I'm supposed to punch as hard as possible- the only issue is I don't want to hurt Ash. I don't think I could if I tried, but the possibility has me holding back.

After throwing another powerless punch, I sigh and try to convince myself that I won't hurt him.

"Stop holding back, Amity!" I hear Eric shouts as he passes by us. "You aren't going to hurt your boyfriend, so put some force into it." I roll my eyes and ignore his taunts.

"Even if you do hurt me, it's fine." Ash says. I find myself projecting my aggravation into my next punch. It manages to uproot Ash's stance, though I assume it is from shock rather than actual force.

I spend the rest of my turn easily asserting force into my punches, I think I've discovered my trick, get angry. It is a lot easier to let loose when I'm enjoying it.

 _Like that's any better._

Ash hands off the handheld targets and after I fasten them to my palms, I get into the defense position and dig my feet into the ground. But when Ash throws his first punch I'm frowning instead of flinching.

"Don't worry about hurting me." I reassure him, feeling better knowing I wasn't the only one having trouble punching my friend; if I can call Ash my friend.

Speaking of friends, I wonder how Willa's putting up with this. When I glance towards her and Thea I'm taken off guard by how surprisingly easy she seems to have with it, is it those repressed emotions and actions she's had to maintain at Abnegation letting loose? A second surprise comes when I find myself jerking backwards with Ash's next throw.

"I'm so sorry, Cal." He says reaching out towards me.

I shake my head and get back to a defensive position. "No it's fine, that's what you're supposed to do." I say with a smile and focus towards him so I don't react to his next punch. But his throw go return to apprehension.

"I said to not hold back." Eric says as he comes back around, only instead of continuing to pass after his comment he stops by us this time.

"She's a girl." Ash says.

I glare at him; while chivalry is appreciated the statement feels more like a lack of expectation than Ash being a gentleman.

"You think that makes her weak? Gender doesn't matter at Dauntless, what happens if you have to apprehend a woman, she won't hesitate to kill you, so what will you do? So you punch as hard as you can." Eric says as he steps in front of Ash and I realize what he is going to do, I recover from the intimidation factor of his close proximity dig my feet into the ground and tense up my muscles- not looking away from the cold weight of his stare. Eric throws his own punch toward me and I know he must be holding back because I manage to keep my grounding- but I feel a pain in the arm he punched.

' _Jeez, he's strong.'_ I'm not sure whether to be impressed or terrified.

"See? She can handle it, and if she can't then she deserves the pain." Eric says to Ash before turning away from us. "Four!" Eric shouts to Four, who continues correcting Lucas, though he must of heard. The entire compound probably did.

I hear Eric groan before heading over to Four, I mentally give props to Four for ignoring him.

Watching the two talk from the corner of my eyes, I start to worry when I see a contemplative expression cross Four's face as Eric talks. Finally I can see his mental barrier break down as his eyebrows nit together frustrated, but in compliance.

Four nods and Eric grins, the kind of a man soaking in his victory. "We are going to start the real fights now." He calls out.  
"I know we haven't gone over many moves yet, but use what you know." Four quickly interjects.

"Let's start with..." Eric's eyes trail over us and I wonder who will be the unlucky fool. _Please don't be me._

His eyes pause on Ash. "You and-" He looks towards Connie. "You." Neither of them moves, but I see Ash's face wrinkle. I know this is just another way of tormenting Ash, especially after the comment he made.

The worse part is I somehow am happy to see his comment be thrown back at him; I just wish it didn't mean him having to be the first fight. Or that it has to be against Connie. Does Eric know they are close? He must if he picked her.

"Today, initiates."

The two hurry to the fighting platform, Four waiting for them when they get up. "The rules are simple, you fight until you can't anymore."

"What does that mean?" Emmy asks.

"It means you fight until you can't anymore, no succeeding." Eric says from the side.

As the two circle each other, I wish Eric would just call off the entire fight. _That is going to be me up there soon. This is what I signed up for._

"Stop staring at each other and fight!" Eric says and a girl behind me snickers. I glare back at the only other Erudite girl besides Thea. She throws a sly look at me, before turning back to the platform.

Anger boils in me, but I'm stopped from doing anything but the sudden appearance of a hand in mine. I almost jump but stop when I see it's just Willa. "Hey." I say. She gives an uneasy look in my direction. I really do need to ask what made her choice Dauntless some time. It wasn't that she was hopeless- violence just never seemed to settle well with her.

Connie throws the first punch. Hitting Ash in the shoulder, her strength pushes even his tall figure back a bit. Connie blows a curl out of her face and jabs her elbow in his neck. Willa squeezes my hand tighter.

Finally, Ash gives a pitiful punch back. Connie kicks at his shins. Stumbling back and lurch back with another punch, with more force this time, Ash hits her stomach. Connie shoves herself into him and the two wrestle for a bit before the real spurring starts again. Finally Connie lands a kick that knocks his feet from beneath him and he tumbles. She looks at Eric and Four, as if asking if this is enough.

"Continue." Eric commands. Connie flinches as she kicks Ash's fallen figure. Ash lets out a wheeze once, choking, but not saying a word. He stumbles to his knees before Connie punches him one last time before he tumbles backwards to the floor, unmoving and with a bleeding nose.

"He's out." Connie whispers in a trembling voice. Eric gestures for two Candor boys to go in and help Ash up. Willa squeeze my hand once before going forward to help. Blood drips down from his nose as his eyes flutter open; he takes one stumbling step before people have to catch him mid-fall.

"We can call that a day, Initiates." Four says. A Candor boy leads Ash away to take him to the infirmary while the rest leave. My friends and I linger.

"I knocked him out… what if I broke his nose?" Connie asks in horror, carefully whispering. She is smart enough to make sure Eric or Four don't hear her. They would only give her shit for it. Maybe not Four, but definitely Eric.

Once both are gone, we are free to speak at a normal volume.

"Ash is never going to forgive me." Connie says finally, her eyes in our direction but not really looking at us. Her eyes look through us, they look into infinity.

Lucas wraps his arms around her. "That's not true and you know it, this is just apart of Initiation. We all are going to have to fight each other."

"You didn't make up the no succeeding rule." I say, the rule was a little barbaric, realistic if anything, but barbaric.

"I'm going to die up there." Willa whispers.

"That's not true." Connie says.

"You just need practice." I add, we head out of the Training room. We reassure her for a while before silence settles on the group for the rest of the journey to the cafeteria. The day has quickly become dark. Thea wasn't anywhere to be seen either. I don't even remember her there for the full fight. She must of left, but why and where?

The entire day felt like everything positive had suddenly been replaced by a harsh truth. _I need to stay strong; it is too early to get like this now. The worse of things haven't even begun._

Through dinner, it is obvious Willa isn't all right. The pressure and stress from Initiation already is already getting to her. After she eats a meager amount of food she stands up from the table. "I'm going to go check on Ash." She says in a soft voice before leaving.

"Alright." I say as she leaves. Now I'm left third wheeling to Lucas and Connie.

"I'm going to go over with my friends." Lucas says just as Willa is gone, Connie and him exchange quick kiss and Lucas waves goodbye to me before he heads to the table with the Candor boys.

I glance at Connie, saying, "Just the two of us now." I pause for a moment and search for things to talk about with her. "What's the name of Lucas' friends?" I ask.

Connie glances over her shoulder at their table. "Well you know Lucas, and then there's just Jayce and Samuel." I expect her to stop there, but in Candor fashion she continues talking. "The girls with that Erudite girl, Cleo, are Guiana and Kayla. Then the asshole duo from Erudite is Harvey and Douglas." _Douglas,_ that's the one who pushed Willa on the roof. Harvey sits with some Dauntless born on his lap. I give a disgusted look.

"I know right?" Connie says laughing, she still seems uneasy. "Besides the ones you know, Lucas' friends are the only okay ones. The rest… let's just saying I was hoping Kayla was bluffing when she said she was defecting here."  
"Joking? Why would someone joke about that?" I ask, it wasn't very Amity like to gossip, and considering my lack of friends my own age, I never gossiped. But I can't help myself now.

"Her family was pretty important back in Candor, and her dad spoiled her. She's a brat. Only came here to 'live dangerously'." Connie says rolling her eyes. "No wonder she became friends with Cleo, from what I heard of her, she's a real bitch."  
"Wow." I say, shocked at Connie's quick assessment of the girl.

"Sorry, Candor, say what I'm thinking." Connie says laughing. "You don't seem that uncomfortable with cursing though."

I shrug, realizing she is right. It's been what, not even two days here? I'm already doing things I would never been allowed to do back in Amity with ease. "I guess I really didn't belong in Amity."

"How did you live there so long, not to insult Amity or anything, you just don't seem like you fit the image?" Connie asks.

"Learning to shut up I guess, and the peace serums helped." I say smirking. I don't add that I wasn't always like this. Whether I like it or not I know what happened had affected me in ways beyond how people treated me. It also made me love the Dauntless. Connie doesn't have to hear about that though.

"That's messed up." Connie muses as we continue eating.

I nod in agreement, but it's better to not dwindle- bad memories suck.

That night both Willa and Ash come back, Ash making it immediately clear he holds no resentment to his Candor friend. I know it makes Connie happier to see that Ash doesn't hate her. We also discover Thea to have eaten in the dorm, though with no explanation why. All I know is that she seems different, off.

We knew better than to question and decided on sitting in a clump on Connie and Willa's bed, most of the others showering. I'm the only one who hasn't yet.

"I'm already sore." Willa says, rubbing her arms.

Connie groans in agreement. "I know, but I feel like I'm getting stronger. Just wish we had a break."

"Try stretching, it could help loosen up your muscles." Thea suggests.

"But I just want to lay down and sleep." Connie says, falling backward onto her bed. I laugh watching her. She narrows her eyes at me. "Don't laugh at me, _Amity."_ She mocks. I roll my eyes.

"Hey, this Amity can kick your ass." I say, folding my arms, we both know it isn't true but it sounds funny saying it.

"I'm never going to kick anyone's… ass." Willa says slowly, I can see her eyes light up as she manages to let out a curse.

Connie sits back up to grin and high-five Willa. "That's the spirit!" She says, Willa laughs nervously.

"That isn't true though." I point out, focusing on the meaning of what she said. "You just need some muscle on you, try eating more, it isn't like you are talentless." I say. "Just remember what Four said, stage two is all mental, that has nothing to do with you beating people up."

"Thanks…" Willa says.

The comfort of the moment is interrupted as Douglas emerges with a wet head of hair, passing by our group on his way to his bed. He stops beside us. "Haven't showered yet Amity? Afraid to reveal that the carpets don't match the drapes?" I stare at him with shocked eyes, unsure how to process what he just said. _Did he really just say that?_

What does that even mean? From the looks of my friends around me, excluding Willa, it has to be bad.

"That's incredibly inappropriate." Thea says, looking back at him with anger.

Douglas laughs. "What, is it true? Come on red, tell us."

"Go away, Douglas." Ash says from beside Thea.

"Let her speak for herself." Douglas says. "I'm not threatened by the boy who got his nose broken by a girl."

It was strange; I knew people were bad, I had seen it before. I've seen the way Amity tried to hide it before as well. But to see someone just walk up to a group of friends with a verbal attack so shamelessly, and that someone being someone supposedly from the Faction honoring intelligence, is peculiar. I don't know what to say. I'm at a lack of words. So I let my friends speak for me.

"My nose is not broken." Ash whispers.

Connie is up now as well. "If you don't shut it, this _girl_ is going to beat you up too. Just what are you trying to prove? Is this how you feel brave?"

Douglas doesn't respond, but smirks at Connie before retreating to his bed beside Harvey's, but Harvey is nowhere to be found. According to speculation from Thea, he is probably off somewhere with the Dauntless born that was on his lap at dinner. She referred to him as a "womanizer".

"Why?" I ask.

Connie sits back down, looking at me in confusion. "What do you mean?"

"He is from Erudite, isn't he supposed to be smart enough to not just come up and attack a group of people on his own? Does he have a death wish?"  
"Some people are just stupid, even Erudite born." Thea says. " But at this point, I just want to go to bed. It's been a long day."

We all nod in agreement and go our separate ways to sleep. After ten minutes, I look around. Everyone has either fallen asleep or is close to it. Taking the opportunity to shower, I get up quietly, towel in hand, and head to the bathroom. Quickly stripping and showering, I have my towel wrapped around me by the time the figure enters the bathroom.

My eyes flicker towards the figure as I comb my wet strands with my fingers, Willa looks back at me with a worried expression.

"Why are you showering so late?" She asks, I carefully dress with the towel still wrapped around me.

I shrug. "I guess Douglas just reminded me I needed to." I say with a smile. It is silly to be so worried, everyone else has already moved past the idea of group shower by now. Even Willa, though I could tell she made sure no boys were in the shower at the same time.

"Okay…" She says, my lie obviously not good enough for her. I haven't known her long but I've realized that about her, she is good with people. Unfortunately for me that makes lying much harder. No time to try to convince her now.

Fully dressed, I throw my towel into the pile of dirty ones and tug Willa back to our beds. "Come on, let's go to bed." I say maintaining a smile with an unfazed gleam.

The day really has made me tired. I need sleep. Now to just hope my exhaustion will beat out any nightmares.

* * *

A/N- Thank you the two guest reviewers and everyone who has either favorited or followed the story so far! Thank you :) I appreciate the support a lot.


	4. Chapter 4: The Bull's Head

_"Human nature is evil, and goodness is caused by intentional activity." –Xun Zi_

 _Song Suggestion: Gods and Monsters by Lana Del Ray_

Chapter Four: The Bull's Head

The next morning we are presented with the seemingly kind gift of breakfast, we only get five minutes but I see the others take advantage of the time by stuffing their faces with the time given.

It was nice, until we started running. Eric accompanying us on the run this morning, he stayed at the back, making sure the initiates were to stay in front of him. Four lead us at the front.

Today I find myself near the front again, easily pushing myself, only this time where a few managed to keep up, half way through it was just Four and I in the front. And it wasn't because I was the only one with a good endurance; it was because already three people had to stop to get rid of their breakfasts.

Including Ash. By the time we were done running I think he must of stopped at least twice, the first time came with a passive aggressive comment from Eric to keep up and the second came with more obvious anger. I knew it wasn't him going easy on Ash- it was waiting until we were back to start the real punishment.

Why did I have to befriend Ash? Why did I put myself in the position to have to watch someone I like get tormented? As if worrying about myself wasn't enough. That thought makes me guilty, but when I see him become the subject of Eric's torment, I just wish I didn't know him.

Not out of embarrassment, but because each time it happens a little tear in my heart opens. I yearn to do something, to help him. But I couldn't. I'm not even allowed to be brave. It wasn't that Dauntless didn't meet my expectations, I just expected more freedom to speak up for yourself. I guess standing up for others only goes so far.

When we arrive to the training room, everyone slows down to catch their breaths like we did yesterday morning, but I can see Eric isn't going to let all the people getting sick go easy.

"You aren't done yet, Initiates! Get on the ground and do push-ups until I tell you to stop, I don't care if your arms give in." He commands as we all fall to the ground. A few have more trouble than others, some even struggle to get into the push-up position, Ash being one of them. _Please just leave him alone, don't let him be harassed._

My fears come true as Eric approaches Ash in his pitiful attempt at push-ups. I try to focus on myself. Lacking arm strength made the exercise hard and the run made it near impossible, but I couldn't turn away.

"Are you tired? Are you going to puke again?" Eric yells at Ash as he cries out in pain mid-pushup. "Initiate are you crying?" My heart wrenches for Ash as I notice the tears rolling down his cheek. Ash shakes his hand by it is hard to miss the tears. "Get up!" Eric suddenly says and Ash collapses to the ground. "No one else stop!" Eric yells to the rest of us as we pause to look over.

I look to Four, to see if he will do anything. But he stands unwavering, looking at the rest of us, avoiding the side with Ash and Eric on it. My arms burn but the distraction coming from the other side of the pack helps me ignore the pain.

"Up, Initiate!" Eric yells again as Ash's arms shake to lift his body. Once on his legs, his reddened face and quivering legs expose his weakness, and it is obvious that it doesn't rectify well with Eric.

 _He hung an Initiate over the Chasm once;_ I remember one of the stories Connie told us. Will he do the same to Ash, or worse- just cut him right now?

"Why can't you keep up?" Eric asks Ash.

Ash's mouth opens for a moment, trembling in obvious fear, but words don't emerge. I root him on mentally and pray he gathers himself. The more he shows fear the more he'll get tormented.

"I asked you a question." Eric repeats again as Ash looks ready to speak before all of the sudden his eyes go blank and his body falls backwards in a heavy _thump._

We all pause to look at Ash's sudden collapse, a few take the opportunity to collapse from their push-ups as attention is directed away from us. I stumble to my feet, not thinking as I go forward to Ash's fallen body.

I reach his body, my own burning, not looking up to see if my actions well be getting me in trouble. Memories of the hot summers and what my mother would always do when someone fainted replay as I follow the instructions she would tell me.

"What are you doing?" Eric asks as I begin to play up Ash's shirt.

"Helping him cool down." I say, making sure to not look up or I might stop what I'm doing in fear. Figures loom over me as I check Ash's breathing and pulse, both seem fine. I then elevate his hands by holding them up in my hands.

"Now what are you doing?" I don't look up to see if the comment is matched with a deadly look from Eric.

"Helping get blood back to his brain."

Finally looking up, I realize everyone is surrounding me. I glance at Eric and Four, but neither seems particularly angry with me so I take it as the okay to continue.

"Watch for vomit." I mention as my arms shake with the weight of his legs, they were sore enough before. The people by Ash's head jump away at the mention.

Just as I'm about to look for something cold, Ash's eyes flutter open. A few sighs of relief fill the silence as his eyes begin darting around. "Don't get up fast." I warn Ash. "He should get something cold to cool down." I say, knowing I'm pushing my luck at this point. One wrong move and I could be getting myself in trouble.

I'm relieved when Four nods. "Someone get him water." Thea quickly volunteers.

"The rest of you start warming-up." Eric commands.

"Don't panic, you're fine." I whisper to Ash before standing up, turning around to join the others. A hand stops me before I can. I look up at Four.

"Good job, Initiate." He says before releasing me.

 _Did I just get complimented?_ I catch up with the others in a daze from the morning. It isn't even eight in the morning and I'm ready to collapse.

-o-

I stare dumbfounded at the list of fights, our first fights (excluding Connie and Ash), and already I'm fighting one of my friends, Thea. Was this going to be a repeat of yesterday's event but played out with Thea and I? I know I can't win, I don't even think I can bring myself to hurt her.

Thea's eyes find mine and she quickly makes her way over. "It is what it is, just don't hold back and we can go to the Pit afterwards and pretend like we didn't have to just beat each other up." She says.

I nod in agreement. "Deal."

The others approach us as we silently fall into a clump to watch the fights. "First up, Willa and Cleo." I cringe at the pair up. Not only did I not like Cleo, but I knew Willa didn't stand a chance against her as well. I just hope Willa would put up enough of a fight to not have too many points taken away from her.

Cleo passes by Eric on the way up the stage and I catch the look she gives him too. "You got this, Willa." I say as she makes her way to the platform.

They take defensive positions as Four reads out the rules, same as yesterday. No conceding.

Cleo takes the first punch as soon as Four is done speaking, I can tell it catches Willa by surprise too, an excoriating pain is heard as her fist connects with Willa's cheek. That'll leave a bruise, a bad one too. I try not to think too much of how the aftermath on Willa will be as Cleo lands another punch on her.

Willa holds up her fist and manages to land a hit on Cleo's stomach, but it doesn't stop Cleo from delivering another set of throws. The last one hitting Willa in her eyes, making her face turn to the side with the pressure of her fist. I see the small girl stumble back dizzy as she throws out her leg at Cleo. I can tell she is trying to get Cleo off her feet or at least give her time to counterattack, but it isn't enough. Cleo smacks into Willa and sends her into the ground.

My fist begins to feel numb as I realize I've been squeezing my fingers together, clenching them to the point of turning my knuckles a pale white. Watching this go down is even worse than I imagined.

For all the reasons I have to distrust Cleo, from the obvious attempts to flirt with Eric to the general nastiness in her actions and words, I do see her pause for a moment. She looks to the instructors as if wondering if this is enough. But Willa is still squirming on the ground, determined to get to her feet despite the obvious spinning she must be experiencing.

"Continue." Four says with his lips pulled into a thin line.

Cleo clenches her face together as she gets onto the ground, sitting on top of Willa and beginning to punch her. It happens quickly enough that Willa can only get a few kicks in before she is helpless. She tries to throw Cleo off or avoid her fists but quickly I see Willa stop fighting. I don't think she is unconscious, but she definitely cannot continue.

The action pauses for a moment before Cleo gets off and looks for instructions once more. Four nods. "Someone help Willa." He says and Ash quickly helps Willa off the ground, picking her up bridal style and carrying her bloodied body down. The worse of it is her face by far. The rest of her didn't get that badly beaten, but her face definitely took damage.

I don't have time to go over to Willa before I hear Thea's and mine names being called. Glancing at Willa, I see her sitting up again, she doesn't look too great but she'll be fine.

My heart flutters as I find myself standing ready to fight in front of everyone, and with no less one of my friends. I finally manage to befriend people my own age and now I have to beat them up. Dauntless courage I guess.

Thea and I give each other a quick acknowledgement before we get into defensive stances. Circling each other for a few moments, neither of us takes the first action. I know I should but can't bring myself to do it.

"Today, Initiates!" Eric calls from the side. My distraction creating a blind spot, I feel a fist connect to the soft part of my left cheek. Groaning a bit from the pain, I dodge the next punch.

I attempt to kick at her shins but it doesn't do much. Thea goes on attack again, hitting me in my stomach, and I'm dodging again. Giving uneasy punches when I find the opportunity. But most of the time I'm find myself on the receiving end of the hits- and hard ones too. By the near fifth time I begin to feel a strong dizziness overcome me but keep moving.

Kicking at Thea for a second attempt, it is as successful as the first one. I try anything that might make this the least violent possible but know it isn't happening. The greatest accomplishment I find is by twisting Thea's arm behind her, but I'm quickly stopped her turning around to punch me away. This time followed by a kick to the stomach, one that has my falling to my knees.

I look up at Thea but have trouble seeing through my blurred and spinning vision; she doesn't look herself. Her appearance resembles her, but I know that this isn't her.

 _Maybe it's the real her._ I think as my vision begins to blacken and splotch with red. I struggle to my feet only to be punched back down. Falling backwards this time, I try again to get to my feet. Only make it to my knees this time, I hit the ground right on the back of my head.

Unable to move, I await the darkness swirling my vision to overtake me. I can already feel blood dripping down my face, my heart thumping away in my chest as Thea stands before me.

"You aren't done yet." A strange and twisted sounding voice says, accompanied by the sudden ringing in my ears. I feel something solid connect with my body before I'm falling backwards into a black void.

And then voices, "She isn't waking up, usually they are awake by now." The darkness fuzzes as if it is going to focus in but the void reclaims me, my body suspended back into emptiness.

As I come to, I first detect the uneven movement: a sort of rocking or bouncing. I feel myself being carried, my feet and arms suspended into nothingness, blind to the sights around me.

Then I begin to hear, I perceive the sounds of other Dauntless echoing around me. I hear the sound of footsteps. And finally I hear talking.  
"Initiate casualty?" A soft woman's voice asks. The bouncing has stopped now, I most be at the end location. Wherever that is. I can't conjure up right now what has gotten me into this darkness or what comes next but I begin to see colors coming back as the grip of strong arms is replacing with a cushion. "What's her name?" I hadn't even heard the person who brought me here respond, did they even respond?  
"Cal Horne." My full name, who knows my full name? Recognition of the voice comes just as my eyes finally open. The world starts out blurry but I quickly force movement and twist my body around to look at Eric and a woman with bright green hair standing at the foot of the bed I lay on.

"Where am I?" I ask.

"The infirmary, stupid. This is where you go when you let your ass get kicked. Maybe next time you'll actually try." Eric says before turning around to leave, the woman not too surprised by his words.

Once he's gone, the woman, who I assume is the Doctor, runs a cloth under water before approaching me with it. "It seems like for the most part everything is fine. You must have really been out." She says.

"We had a rough morning." I say as she begins to clean up my injuries. She laughs in response.

"Trust me I understand completely, we all had our moments where we ended up in the infirmary during Initiation." The doctor says as she applies disinfectant to the cuts. It stings but I try to not show any reaction. "That's new."

"What?" I ask.

"A transfer who is use to the disinfectant." She says smiling. "What was your birth Faction?"

"Amity." I say pausing before I continue. "I'd always get cuts and bruises, I'm use to it."

"We don't get a lot of Amity transfers. I had one my year."

"Did they make the final cut?" A silence follows my question that answers it well enough without her speaking.

The woman frowns but finishes up applying bandages before answering. "No, he didn't. But he was a tiny thing, you'll be fine, and so will your face. You can leave as soon as you feel stable again. Give it a few minutes at least, okay?" I nod and she leaves me alone on the white bed.

Unfortunately her saying he failed to pass because of size only reminds me of Willa. Maybe we will both end up Factionless, at least then I'd have a friend.

I end up taking a few minutes to gather my thoughts and center in from the dizziness, but try not to linger in here too long. I just hope they don't bring any of my friends here in a similar state to mine. By the time I'm getting up to leave Kayla is brought in by Guiana. She is conscious but looks like death itself.

"Hey Amity." Guiana says as the Doctor goes to help Kayla onto one of the beds. The tone she uses sounds less than friendly.

I readjust my training clothes so they aren't twisted and pull my hair into a low pony before I turn to look at Guiana, I don't want to stick around here long with the two here. "Hello." I say back, even though I know a simple exchange of hellos wasn't what Guiana wanted. Turning to leave the infirmary, I hear footsteps fall in line behind me. I wait until we are out of the room before turning around.

"What?" I spin around and ask, smirking when I realize I caught her off guard.

She stops and tries to replace her surprise with a sneer but it doesn't have the same affect it use to. "Nothing, just heading back to training because I'm not the one who got knocked out to the point where one of the Instructors had to carry them to the Infirmary- and by a friend." Her sneer turns into one of fake pity.

I can feel my cheeks redden, but in irritation rather than embarrassment. "At least I can run without puking up my entire breakfast." I say, remembering her to be one of those who had to stop to do such act on our morning run.

She rolls her eyes and continues walking past me. "Lets see being able to run get you through Initiation." She says before suddenly stopping to look at me once more. "I mean I'd comment on you trying to screw Eric for points because he carried you, but come on- we all know he wouldn't go for someone like you."

"Someone like me? Please enrich me on what someone like me means." I'm angry now, more than I should let myself get from some bully of a person. What Guiana has to say shouldn't matter to me and I definitely shouldn't be lowering myself to her level.

But that's the Amity in me, and lately I haven't been making decisions based on that side of me. "It means some ugly Amity who isn't going to make it past the first cut."

After a moment of considering insults I could say back to Guiana, I pick none of them. Training should be almost over and I want to go to dinner. I want to be with my friends and not make more of an enemy with Guiana than I already have.

"Not make it past the first cut?" I say with a scoff, leaning into my hip. "We'll see about that." I finish and stride past her, making sure she can't catch up as I take the narrow pathway back to the Training room.

By the time I arrive, people are filing out. I spot my friends and join them. "Hey!" I say inspecting each of them. From the looks of it, they did much better than me. "How did your fights go?"

"Good, Ash and I won." Connie says; I smile at the group. I'm almost surprised Ash won but I remember he was up against Samuel, probably the smallest of the males. Willa looks a little better from the last time I saw her, but her lip is split and swollen on one side. Other than that and a bruise forming on her cheek, she's fine. That's a relief. And almost embarrassing considered how bad I ended up.

 _Maybe next time you'll actually try._ Eric's words to me reply in my mind. He was right; I barely tried, two hands wrapping around my waist interrupt my thoughts.

"I'm so sorry, Cal." Thea's voice plays in my ear. "I didn't mean to hurt you so bad." _But you knew you were going to beat me._ I know I'm not as strong as Thea, but somehow feeling like she knows she was going to beat me doesn't rectify with me well. It is mostly rooted from paranoia- but still.

"It's fine, you had to. This is part of Initiation." I say smiling at her. She sighs from relief and releases me to join in my step.

"Well I'm going to make it up to you, we are all going shopping tonight after dinner."

"That sounds nice, I've been wearing this for two days now- that's disgusting." Willa comments as we all laugh in agreement. I really do need some extra clothes, and as of yesterday we have our points.

"Okay." I agree and Thea cheers.

After dinner we stick to our plan and head to the store. Standing in a room full of nearly all black clothes is exciting, it is strange to be buying this kind of clothes. The only bad thing is how tight most of the clothes are, but I guess I'll grow accustomed to it.

Ash and Lucas split from the girls to go to the guy's section, but Lucas leaves a clothing request for Connie before he leaves that I don't hear. I can only imagine from the look Connie gets that it is the kind of clothing I will _not_ be getting tonight.

I join beside Willa as we search for some of the less promiscuous clothing. First grabbing a few shorts and leggings I can train in. Then I grab a few shirts and sport bras before going to try them on. Connie immediately stops me before I go in to place something on my stack.

"What is that?" I ask.

"A dress, just try it on!" She yells before I can even open my mouth to complain. I roll my eyes but decide to at least try it on.

After trying everything on I decide on keeping the dress, it wasn't too showy and did fit me well. "I thought Amity would like dresses more." Thea asks as I leave to pay.

I shrug, "Honestly I do like dresses, but I'm trying to separate myself from that image. And it isn't like I can train in a skirt." I tell her.

We pay and leave, with even Willa finding something. She fit in a children's large, and luckily she found less tight and showy clothing there. When we join up with Ash and Lucas they start talking about getting tattoos.

"What about you, Cal? Do you want to get something?" Connie asks. I shake my head.

"No not yet, but later yes." I say. "But I'll go with you." With that we are heading to the tattoo parlor; Ash and Connie insistent on a tattoo. They search through the different designs, Ash finally picking one to bring to the woman working the place. She is a pretty woman, with dark eyes and long straight black hair to match.

I look at Ash's decision, the head of a bull. "Why this one?" I ask.

"I don't really know, I mean it looks cool for one. But I just want to get something to remember how I felt today and how I felt yesterday, you know? Like yesterday all I could think about was how I didn't belong here and this morning I felt even worse. But then I won my fight and now I just want to continue feeling like that, like I belong." Ash says.

I smile at his reflection. "You're stronger than you think. Besides all those time you felt bad was because of Eric being a jerk."  
Ash frowns before shaking his head. "I mean in a way, but he didn't make me loss to Connie. He didn't make me unable to handle the morning warm-up. Sure passing out and the fight were caused by actions of his but I choice to not get through them. In a strange way I kind of admire the guy, he's tough."

" _Four_ is tough. Maybe Eric will help us out in the long run but most of the things he does are to make himself feel strong by making others feel weak. I'm all for tough love but he just brings it to another level, he enjoys it." I say, not sure why we are even bothering to discuss it at this point, or why I'm getting so emotional over it.

"He isn't that bad of a guy, hell he carried you to the Infirmary. Sure he did it looking pissed but he did it."

"He's a monster." I finally declare.

We pause for a moment before hearing someone walk up next to us. "Who's a monster?" I look to see Cleo standing beside us, and from the uninterested expression on her face I assume it is a real question and she didn't hear the rest of our conversation.

"No one." I say and leave Ash to get his tattoo.

-o-

This was supposed to be out tomorrow, but it was the last day of school and I ended up not getting home to ten at night. Anyway like always thank you everyone that is reading or has favorite/followed/reviewed, you guys rock! Any suggestions or helpful criticism are strongly appreciated. Thanks!


	5. Chapter 5: Strength

" _It is easier to find men who will volunteer to die, than to find those who are willing to endure pain with patience." -Julius Caesar_

 _Song Suggestion: Drop the Game by Flume and Chet Faker_

Chapter Five: Strength

It was strange to be friends with a Candor, considering the Candor always had an issue with the Amity way of maintaining peace, luckily enough for Connie and mine's friendship- I did as well. But it wasn't like I can stand up on the table and shout out about how I didn't belong in Amity and that I wasn't like that to the entire faction. My actions would have to speak for themselves.

I could tell Willa had trouble finding ease with Thea, despite her earlier statement towards Abnegation. Neither could help what their leaders were doing, if Erudite was right with their rumors concerning Abnegation or if it was all lies. Neither could control it.

But I did notice Thea's off attitude towards Amity, it was strange, unlike Candor's aggression towards the oblivion of Amity members- Erudite's fault with Amity came from competition. Who was more important to our society?

Amity's importance was something I did defend. Unfortunately, Thea defended Erudite's. And she has been off ever since her disappearance our first night here.

It made our first real breakfast at Dauntless a little more eventful then we might like.

"All I'm saying is that, teachers… the serums… all of it wouldn't be here without Erudite. Without Erudite all of that knowledge could've been lost after the war, it is silly that people try to undermine Erudite." Thea says, chewing into a sausage.

I try to keep myself quiet, because I know it is silly to argue about Factions, they are all important and that is why they all exist. But something inside me just can't keep its mouth shut.

"Without Amity, Erudite wouldn't even have the food to keep themselves alive." Silence follows my words.

Thea swallows her mouthful of food and places her fork down, I haven't just gotten into a debate with anyone- I've gotten myself into one with an Erudite. "You think that Amity is more important?"

"I never said that, all the Factions are critical to the system- but I hardly would agree if any was the most important that it would be Erudite."  
"Than why didn't you stay in Amity?" Thea rebuffs with more anger than I expected her to be capable of.

I look around the table: almost in plead for help. Connie isn't here and Ash and Willa are definitely not going to get involved. "Because I hated it there."

"Then why argue for them?"

"Because I hate the things Erudite are doing too, that's why. My entire life news of events outside Amity were kept from me and ever since I've gotten here, all the articles- Erudite trying to take over leadership and bashing Abnegation. It just reeks of a sense of entitlement." I say in one go, frustrated.

I think back to all the times in Amity I'd argue with someone, usually over less important things- sometimes over anything I could find to argue about. Staying quiet was the way I dealt with my irritation. Once I got started the rage would just stick around like a bad cold until I could get myself calmed down. "What are you accusing them of, lying?"  
"Maybe, I don't know, but either way it is doing more harm than good."

"What do you know? You've only been up to date with the world for what, three days? How could you possibly make a respectable stance on the subject already?" I get up from the table, not wanting to do something I would regret. Maybe she was right- I didn't know much.

But I did know that I didn't want to talk about it anymore, maybe it was cowardly to run away but I fear if I stick around I'll just become uselessly angry. Having Thea as an enemy is not something I plan on.

To my surprise, I find Willa following me on my exit. Maybe not suprising considering part of Thea's opinion supported the articles attacking Abnegation. "Cal!" Willa calls after me as I make a beeline for the training room.

"What?" I say, frowning in disappointment at myself as I realize how annoyed my tone was.

"Can you please slow down, it feels like you are trying to get rid of me."  
I sigh, holding a hand up to my temples. "Sorry, I'm being dramatic, I just didn't want to do anything I'd regret."

"I didn't know you had anger issues." Willa jokes.

I roll my eyes at her. "Unfortunately more than I'd like to discuss."  
"So that's why they kicked you out of Amity?" Willa laughs as we continue to the training room, much slower this time. "Or is that just why you are quiet?"

"The quiet ones are always the bitterest." I comment as we enter the empty room. "So much for enjoying our first real breakfast. At least we have some extra time."

"I could sure use it." Willa comments.

"You are improving, and let me remind you that you did leave your fight looking much better than me. I guess we can just warm up on our own." Together we do reps of sit-ups and push-ups. We both struggle on the push-ups, not enough muscles in our arms. "We need more strength." I comment.

"You don't even know that start of it." A voice says from behind me, I see Willa's eyes get big as she stares behind me. Turning around I see Eric and Four walking in, Four looking uninterested so I assume it was Eric's comment.

"Any suggestions?" I ask in an annoyed tone, the events of the morning having rallied me up.

"For you Stiff," Eric points to Willa. "I'd say gain some weight, for you," He glances at me. "I'd say start lifting some weights."  
"Thanks." I say trying to not sound more annoyed, I know better than to get on his bad side. I'm not stupid. It wasn't even what he said to me that agitated me, it was his comment to Willa. Sure she could get some help by gaining a few but it just didn't feel right for him to just tell her she is too skinny.

Maybe I'm not any better, I did mention something along those lines to her the first night.

I lean in to whisper to her. "Don't listen to him, there's nothing wrong with your body."  
She shrugs. "I know, but he is right- you said it before too."

"But I'm your friend, and didn't mean it as an insult." I whisper extra quiet, making sure he can't hear me. But him and Four are distracted by the entrance of the other Initiates. Thea doesn't look over to Willa and I. Things aren't going to be as friendly between us for a little while. That's fine, I have Willa. I just hope she doesn't get tired of me too.

As everyone begins warming up, I keep quiet and head to the weights, it annoys me to admit Eric is right but he is. I need arm strength if I ever want my punch to be more than a tap against my opponents.

Today I will not lose. I do not know who I am against, it could be Thea again or it could be Jayce- I don't care. I need to win. If my punches can't get them then I'll have to relay on my endurance.

"Nice to see you're listening to my advice." I stop to glance at Eric once before continuing, in hope he'll keep moving. "Silence, joy to my ears!" He says, still standing still. I put down my weights and spin around to face him, just looking at him. I squeeze my hands together to keep from either running away or letting him see my annoyance.

Its intimidating keeping eye contact with him, but just as much as I want to keep off his radar and avoid torment, I'm too proud. I haven't even seen him up this close. His eyes are a cold blue, his skin pierced and tattoos decorate his body. His hair cut short. He's attractive. The kind of attractive that resembles a beautiful nightmare, his intimidation factor almost thrilling, but his ego ruins it.

"What?" He asks, folding his arms as he mocks me. Another moment of silence plays out before he centers his eyes in on me. "You're an interesting one Amity. Try to not let your courage turn into disrespect" He says, not looking away as he moves backwards until he has to turn to keep moving.

A sense of relief washes over me once I'm free. I almost expected he would try hanging me from the ceiling from the way he has acted around other Initiates so far.

The rest of the day's training events remain uneventful. I stick around Willa, working on my strength and technique. Thea and Ash stick around each other just the same, and we avoid each other. There wasn't outright aggression between us- just an unspoken tension. I could see it was bothering Willa more so than me. If I regret anything it is taking her away from them.

At lunch Willa and I sit together and afterwards there are no fights, most of the time spent learning more moves from Four.

Back in the dorm after the long day of training, I lie exhausted in my bed. Willa's figure looms over me. "There is a celebration you know."

"Now? Why?" I ask, not moving, my body too sore. And my focus on my arms today has left them burning.

Willa plops down onto her bed; going through the clothing she bought. "Someone died, I'm not sure how but apparently it means a celebration."

"That's kind of morbid." And that's coming from the girl who enjoys the sight of blood.

Willa shrugs, "I know… but the others are going to be out too and it might be nice. Getting into the spirit of Dauntless and everything." Her face gleams as she holds up her new dress.

I groan as I sit up and try to smile back at her. "Alright, let's go." I don't want to, but if Willa wants to then I know I'm going to force myself to. Besides she is right. Fitting the Dauntless image should be fun; it's what we signed up for.

"You guys are going too?" I hear Connie says as she approaches with a fresh face of makeup. I had forgotten Connie wasn't with us this morning, it meant she wasn't there to pick sides. Good thing too, I would hate to lose her as well. If I even lost Thea, guess I'm not too sure on that one. Teenage girl drama is still new to me.

"Yup." I say, not sure what to wear. Everything here is so… _tight._ And I know the two wouldn't let me just stick to the usual training outfit. I pick out a tank top with a strappy back and a pair of textured pants.

Changing in front of people has gotten easier, I'm still not sure how I feel about showering in front of people, but I find myself changing with more ease now. I just make sure to keep my back to the wall. The scars would bring up questions.

"Willa please let me do your makeup." Connie says as I begin pushing my hair back into a ponytail. "And don't you dare put your hair up, it is so pretty down!" Connie comments at me, making me stop half way through tying the elastic in my hair. I sigh and don't argue, allowing my red locks to fall back to my shoulders.

"I've never worn makeup before…" Willa says uneasy.

Connie rolls her eyes and folds her arms. "Not shit, look I know you wouldn't like a lot, but just try a little bit? Not that you aren't beautiful I just want to accentuate your eyes." She says, sitting next to Willa armed with a black pencil.

"Okay… just a little though." Willa says, obviously affected by the beautiful comment, her eyes shining just a little brighter. I smile at her before chuckling when she struggles to keep her eyes open while Connie presses the eyeliner to her eyes.

"Hey you are next!" Connie says, still focusing on Willa.

I know better than to protest, and maybe a little part of me does want to try it out.

When Connie finishes on Willa, she starts on me. It feels strange having something so close to my eyes but I manage to not mess her up. Once she is done I glance at Willa. She really does look nice, but like her. Her big eyes pop with the black around them, making the brown look brighter. She looks more mature, stronger.

Willa smiles as she looks into Connie's mirror at herself. "Still getting use to, you know… looking at myself." She says giggling. I move next to her to see myself.

Mine is a bit darker than Willa, but still light. It's strange, it isn't like she changed me but I can see that my eyes look bigger, the green sticks out more. I feel feminine.

Standing up quickly, I look at the two. "Thank you Connie for the makeovers, but if we stick in here any longer it's going to be over before we even get there."  
Connie scoffs. "Are you kidding me? Dauntless party through the morning!" She jokes as we leave the dorms. We are the last to leave; everyone else must be in the Pit. There are usually people partying every night but nothing big like this.

As soon as we get close to the Pit I can hear the crowds and can practically smell the alcohol. "I'm going over to Lucas, but I swear if I look over and you two are just standing against some wall I'm going to come right back over here and kick your asses." Connie says before bouncing away to an approaching Lucas.

Chuckling, I look around for somewhere to go. I didn't want a drink and doubted Willa thought differently. Dancing sounded torturous and we didn't have anyone else we knew to talk to. I spot from across the Pit a group surrounding a table of people with cards in front of them.

"What are they doing?" I ask pointing towards the table.

Willa follows the direction of my fingers and thinks for a moment. "I think they're gambling."

"Gambling?" I say interested now. "Want to watch?" I ask and Willa shrugs. I tug her in the direction of the table. When we reach the clump I see one of the people playing the game was Jayce, guess he is celebrating ranking first for transfers.

"That's kind of funny- you know his last name?" Willa whispers to me giggling. I raise my eyebrows at her confused. "Jayce Gambler, and here he is gambling." She says and I join in her laughter.

"He had the same reputation back home." Someone says behind us. We look back to the shining white smile of Samuel, friends with Lucas.

"He gambled?" I ask.

Samuel nods, rolling his eyes. "It's an issue." He says jokingly. "The guy probably made his first bet in diapers. He's an adrenaline junkie." I give a half-hearted laugh as I inspect Samuel. I know he lost his first fight to Ash. Despite his talent in humor he wasn't much when it came to fighting. Or discipline. It made him another target of the Instructors for all of the times he's spoken out, mostly in the sake of being funny.

He has a friendly face, blue eyes and orange curls, but he was skinny and no taller than me. I doubt he'll make the cut, which is a shame considering his good sense of humor. "So do you guys want drinks, or something?" He asks us.

I shake my head. "Sure." Willa says from beside me. Samuel nods and turns to go get drinks.

When he's gone I look over at Willa in shock, my mouth hanging open. "Look at you!" I say.

Willa blushes and holds up her hands saying, "What's wrong with trying something new?"

"That's fair." I say glancing around the Pit once. I see Four and Tris standing by the side, at a glance they look like your average couple hanging on top of each other but after a moment I realize they aren't kissing but talking.

They're a strange couple, or at least their actions are strange. Like they are plotting something. I quickly look away when I notice Tris' eyes flicker in my direction. Embarrassed, I search for something else to focus on.

Leaning onto the walls by an exit is Eric, drink in hand, by himself. He really doesn't have any friends. No surprise there. If only he was a good guy- he really is handsome.

His eyes are watching something, but I can't tell what. But then he isn't looking in that direction anymore, and I find his eyes land on me. My eyes quickly turn away, the second time in less than a minute I've been caught staring.

I try to focus back on Willa and the game in front us, but watch out of the corner of my eyes at Eric.

Just as Samuel comes back with a drink for himself and Willa, I notice Eric is gone from his spot on the wall. "You sure you don't want anything, Cal?" Samuel asks.

I smile but shake my head no. "Thank you though." I say; it really is a shame he isn't doing so well. He is a good guy.

 _No that I'm doing much better myself,_ I remind myself. Tomorrow- tomorrow's fights I'm going to win.

The three of us talk for a little bit, and the game, Poker, gets explained to us. Despite the directions being explained I still don't quite get it. But it is enjoyable to watch them play. Jayce just seems so focused, like a man on the battlefield. It's almost comical how much he gets into it.

Apparently it works though, because Jayce wins the first round… and the second. By his third success the others are a little too drunk and too upset to be losing to a transfer Initiate.

"You little shit, you're cheating aren't you?" A man in his mid-thirties slurs at Jayce.

Jayce shrugs it off, not responding to the man, just getting up from his seat.

"I want my credits back, he cheated." The same man says as Jayce begins to walk towards Samuel.

"I won fairly, old man." Jayce says in annoyance to the man as he reaches us.

The older man stands up from his seat only to shift to the side as if the whole room turned. He's drunk, bigger, and older. Jayce is a good fighter- I just hope if this man wants a fight he can handle himself.

Though it isn't the threat of one drunken man, it's the threat of entire group of them that worries me. "We are leaving anyway." Samuel says to the man as he struggles to stand, grasping onto the chair for dear life.

"Fucking transfers, coming here and cheating me out of my credits." He waves his free arm, another one of his friends approaching behind him.

Samuel looks at Jayce worried, though Jayce doesn't show the same urgency. His face is stoic. "Let's just get the fuck out of here." Jayce says as he places a hand of Willa and I, leading us away as Samuel trails behind.

He didn't look worried, but we move fast away from the group. "I don't have time for old drunks." Jayce says once we stop, glancing over to the group. They stay, barely standing up, right where we left them.

Willa sighs in relief as she takes a sip of her drink, almost choking as she swallows. "First time drinking?" Samuel asks and she nods.

"Burns doesn't it?" Jayce asks and she nods again.

"I didn't expect it to taste so bad."  
Samuel shrugs. "You know, it is basically rotten yeast."  
"What?"

"Basically anyway. You know how wine is basically expired grape juice?" He says, with big eyes. Willa looks at him shocked and we all laugh at her reaction. "Come on, Amity, didn't you use to help stomp on grapes for wine making?"

I roll my eyes. "No, not my job." The joke is short lived as a dark figure stumbles into the group and up to Jayce.

The man from before, and he doesn't look like he is going to give up this time. "I want my credits back."

"I won them fair, not my fault you suck at Poker." Jayce comments before taking another chug at his drink. The man grimaces and shoves his meaty hands into Jayce's chest.

"Shit!" Samuel yells as Jayce raises his fist and punches the man back.

Stepping away, Willa and I escape the scene as the two begin fighting. I don't want to see how it ends, and if it ends badly I don't want to be getting in trouble. "This is too exciting for me, I think I'm going to head out." I tell Willa.

She frowns in disappointment. "We've barely gotten here."  
"It has been like an hour, I didn't even suspect I'd last this long." I tell her with a smirk across my face. To be honest, the fact I met two more people tonight is enough of an accomplishment for me.

What Willa does next surprises me, she holds her drink up to her lips and chugs a large portion of it down, choking afterwards. "Shit Willa! Why did you do that?"

"I have no idea, but I'm going to stay."  
"Good you should." I tell her, still laughing from watching her chug the drink. I wish I could say it probably won't affect her but considering her size and this being her first time drinking I suspect she is going to feel that in the morning. "Just please don't drink too much. We have to train tomorrow."  
"Alright…" She says annoyed, letting out a burp. Her eyes widen as she covers her mouth, before giggling. "I think I'm going to go over to Connie, okay?"

"Okay." I say, not sure if I should leave her on her own. But she has Connie, she's much more nurturing than me anyway. I watch Willa to see she gets to Connie before heading out one of the exits.

The trail feels different and I begin to realize I went down the wrong one. I'm about to turn back around to the Pit when I hear the hushed whisper of voices from around the corner. They sound familiar. I creep around the corner and stick my head out to see who it is, intrigued.

I see Cleo first, with the same look I saw her giving the same seductive look she gave Eric in training. Refraining from gagging, I stick my head out further to see who she is talking to. Eric. Surprised, I watch as Cleo says something I can't hear to an unmoving Eric. And then just like that she is stepping forward and placing her hand on his face.

Unable to tear my eyes away, I watch as she leans further in and places her lips against his in a silent kiss. I step back and quickly move back down the hallway. Moving in a fast pace back through the pit and down the to the dorms.

Getting back, I'm the only one. I take advantage of the vacant room and my vacant mind and decide on a shower. It'll help me think. It has been a little difficult after what I saw. Almost as if the autopilot has been switched on in my brain.

Cleo kissed Eric. How am I supposed to feel about that? It isn't right; he is our instructor it makes me angry. I just can't understand why.

 _They're good for each other anyway, both with miserable personalities._ I think as I shower. Still stuck in my thoughts, I let the cold water run over my body for a little longer after I am done cleaning up.

When I finally decide to get out, I wrap my towel around my body and realize I left my clothes on my bed. I step out of the bathroom and notice Douglas and Harvey standing against the wall by the entrance to the bathroom.

I stand still for a moment, watching them stare at me with cold eyes, before I keep moving. Quickly now, wanting to get to my clothes as quick as possible. My heart races as I move. They haven't said a word but I know they are still looking at me. I need to get my clothes on. I need to get dressed.

They weren't in the right spot to see me, but what if they did? Were they watching me? A sickening feeling emerges in my stomach as I refrain from crying. I'm being dramatic. I can still feel their awful stares on me. With a fist full of clothes I head back into the bathroom.

Right as I pass by them again, Douglas steps forward. "Something wrong, Amity?" He asks with a crooked smile drawn across his face. My stomach flip-flops and I consider running into the bathroom to puke.

"No, nothing is wrong." I try to say with confidence as I head into the bathroom and move out of their view to quickly change. When dressed, my heart beat calms but doesn't return to normal.

I don't trust the two; something about them is just sinister. Like they enjoy watching me panic.

"Really, are you alright?" Harvey asks as I walk back out, his voice sickeningly sweet.

I head back to my bed quickly, not looking up at them; afraid they'll see my fear. "I'm fine." I say and decide on not going to my bed but to leave until someone else comes back. No way in hell I'm going to be stuck alone in a room with those two freaks.

"Good." Harvey calls in the same sugarcoated voice as I leave.

I have had my doubts about making friends, wondered what it would be like if I just came and made no friends. If I wouldn't have to be upset when I'm cut or when they are cut- but I see now that I need friends.

If not friends then allies. I need allies if I wish to even make it to cuts.

-o-

A/N: Thanks so much for all those who have reviewed/followed/favorite since the last chapter! Support really helps me to keep up this story, so thanks.


	6. Chapter 6: Monster

_"Monsters are real, ghost are real too. They live inside us and sometimes, they win." -Stephen King_

 _Song Suggestions- Monster by Meg Myers *warning it has some cursing*_

Chapter Six: Monster

"Can you braid my hair?" My fingers fumble around each other as everyone begins moving around in the darkness of the early morning. We've learned to get up before the wake up call, that way we get breakfast, that way we aren't rushing around at the whim of Four's given time. Waking up was easy; I had another nightmare, luckily this time no crying was involved.

Connie gives a brief look up to me as she finishes off tying her laces. "Braid your hair? I believe a defected Amity is better at that kind of thing than me." She muses, giving a chuckle as she pulls her curls into a ponytail.

"I always sucked at braids, and I don't want their type of braids. I want the double, like adding your hair in type- whatever it's called."

"Two French braids?" She asks, standing up from her bed. I nod. "Tight ones?"

"Yeah, I want my hair out of my face." I say, fidgeting in my outfit. Unlike my other clothes I've been training in, that hung on me and didn't fit right, these were my size. They clung to my curves like a second skin.

Connie moves to stand behind me, reaching up to place her hands on my shoulders and pressing down. I take the hint to sit down and she begins working on my hair. The feeling of her hands combing through my hair tingles, I close my eyes and focus and the feeling of hands running through my hair. It was a relaxing feeling.

In my head I imagine this is my mother braiding my hair; the blurry image of her smiling, the sun hitting her pale features in exactly the right way. The enchanting sound of my mother's laughter plays in the back of my head. The smell of her flowers…

"Hey can you move your head the other way for me?" Connie's request breaks me out of my haze and my eyes jerk open. I look over my right shoulder for her, given a clear view of the others getting ready.

Cleo, Kayla, and Guiana stand together in a clump by their beds. It is strange; originally the division among us came from birth Factions, now it feels more like sides. On one side are Cleo and her friends, Douglas, and Harvey. Drifting in the middle was Lucas and his friends, Thea, and Asher. Than Connie, Willa, and I.

We are being put against people who have been around this life since they were born. Seven of us are being cut and that is just considering the first cut.

The probability of those seven being mainly us are too high for tension not to build between us. We are just too close together.

"Be down in the pit in two!" Four's voice enters the room and just as quickly the slam of the door follows.

He is early today, no time to eat, Connie frowns. . I try to look disappointed as well but can't manage. I work well with no food. Today really might be my day for a win. I feel the second braid fall onto my shoulder. Connie steps back to look at her creation.

"How does it look?" I ask.

Connie's lips pull up at the corners. "Hot." Connie says pulling her eyebrows up as she smiles.

I snicker and roll my eyes, but thank her as we get up. "Come on, we have to move quickly." I say and Willa joins us. Since yesterday morning I haven't spoken to Thea or Ash, it is sad to be on not good terms with them, especially with the impending threat of Harvey and Douglas.

When we arrive at training, we are all thankful to see just Fou, though probably excluding Cleo after last night. From an inspection of her I can tell I'm right. I consider telling Willa or someone about what I saw, but don't know how to tell them yet. I don't want them questioning my anger on the subject.

Not that I get that part either. I've summed up the strange emotion to frustration, it just isn't right. If they are in a relationship would she be put at a unfair advantage?

 _Or maybe it was jealousy._

Maybe it is. She has already been here what, four full days? And yet already she has one of the leaders of Dauntless wrapped around her finger. I know it is ridiculous- it is Eric of all people she has, and it isn't like I've ever been too fond of relationships. But her ability to just so easily pick up a guy, sometimes I wish I was like that.

"We are going to start with fights today, first off- Jayce and Connie." Four says. I give Connie an encouraging pat on the back with words of good luck as she walks up onto the platform. Jayce and her give a quick acknowledgement of each other, giving curt nods in respect, before they begin fighting.

I try to pay attention- if anything to learn, but don't focus much. I like both of them and watching them beat the crap of each other isn't something I want to watch. Lucas watches in concern on the sidelines, his friend up against his girlfriend.

My thoughts drift to the idea of them having to fight each other, but I don't linger on the subject, Connie would no doubt beat him. Lucas was struggling, even more so than me.

 _What if he is cut?_ The idea lingers for a while.

The fight ends with Jayce the winner, Connie's body limp on the ground. Immediately after she attempts to get up and can't- Four calls the fight and Jayce helps Connie off the stage.

Connie has a cut on her lip from the finishing punch, but otherwise she looks fine. Better than I did after Thea and I's fight. Lucas offers to take her to the infirmary but she rejects the idea. Onto the next fight, "Guiana and Cal!" Four shouts.

I freeze up. Part of me is ready, ready to win. Ever since yesterday my eagerness has gotten to a point where I almost feel like I want to explode. Like I want to do nothing but work hard and get stronger. But another part of me is suddenly terrified. Guiana is good, and she is large- much larger than me.

Is that why we were paired together? To test my strength? Or lack of strength… I feel people pat me on the back as I stumble towards the stage. Guiana is probably double my size. She does look tired though.

That is how I win. I tire her out until she can't even manage to raise her fist at me. This is what I choice, I choice Dauntless, and now I need to prove my will.

Guiana and I nod in respect towards each other, but not with the same amount Jayce and Connie gave each other. I can see the look in Guiana's eyes. She doesn't think I stand a chance.

 _She thinks I'm weak._

"Today!" Four shouts and Guiana throws the first punch. I dodge it, her fist barely missing my face. She goes in for another punch and hits me in the stomach but I keep moving. Dancing around her, I'm positive I look completely ridiculous, fine if this is what it takes.

Jabbing at her from behind with my elbow, Guiana spins around with fists flying. I block her but feel the impact in my forearms. Dodging a kick aimed at my calves, I notice a new person standing next to Four. Eric. He's watching me.

I remember the sight of Cleo going in to kiss him. I remember the way Douglas and Harvey stared at me and I could do nothing about it but hope they wouldn't try anything. I think about Guiana looking at me, knowing she is going to win.

Lastly, I think about that night eight years ago when my most precious aspect was stolen away from me.

Fire boiling in my stomach, I don't think about my hunger or that my strength doesn't compare to hers. My fist fly towards her throat and her stomach in any attempt to hurt her. I want her to hurt. Let her feel pain.

She seems taken back by my sudden aggressiveness but quickly latches onto my arms, throwing me to the side and kicking at the back of my legs so that they collapse. My body falls onto the ground she kicks me in the stomach. I let out a wheeze and cough, specks of blood land on the ground in front of me.

Squeezing my fists together and picking myself up, another kick nails me in my stomach. I cry out but swing a leg in a desperate attempt at her. The moment it gives me allows me to stumble onto my feet and assume the defensive position. Her fist flies into my forehead and I feel blood drip down my face, combining with sweat.

I try to wipe it away only for the grim to be smeared across my face. As Guiana throws another punch, I grab onto her fist in a moment of rage and twist her arm to the side. Her other hand punches me in the throat and I release her.

Kicking her in the stomach and using the pointy part of my elbow to jab right at the middle of her throat she begins choking, still attempting to attack me. She is getting exhausted. I'm just getting started. But she has a strong will and this could last a long time before it gets to the point of her not being able to fight. I doubt any of my punches could really knock her out.

The sounding of her choking on air gives me an idea, dodging another combination of throws and trying to get behind her; I find it more difficult than before. Everyone is silent as we dance around each other. Kicking the back of her knees, she nearly gives in; I take the opportunity and get behind her.

Wrapping my arms around her neck and squeezing my legs around her, I force the bony part of my arm right against her windpipe. She tries to throw me off like a bull throwing off its rider, but I clench onto her for dear life, squeezing tighter and tighter onto her throat.

My heart races and my blood begin to feel light with all the adrenaline fueling me. I feel animalistic, like any logic I had is gone and focused in on stealing the breath right from her lungs.

Her hands desperately try to tug my arms from her neck as she begins to gasp for air. If it was silent before, it now feels dead. I can feel the blood dripping down my face, blocking my vision even. My blood drips onto Guiana as I feel her consciousness fade away. This has to be the most gruesome fights so far and I'm the one apart of it.

Just as Guiana's body goes limp in my grasp, I look up to see those cold blue eyes stuck on me. My heart flutters as I let go of Guiana and continue staring at Eric. He is watching me. The look across his face- he looks… he looks satisfied. Like this is what he wanted.

 _I'm becoming a monster and they love it._

 _-o-_

A/N- This was a super short chapter in comparison to all the other ones (especially the 4,600 chapter five) but I feel like I liked where it ended and this way I can get the chapter out. I'm no longer running on prewritten chapters, but school is officially over for me! So no worries about me updating, BUT I'm away Friday-Sunday so no chapters then.

Thanks everyone who is reading and especially those who have reviewed/followed/favorited!


	7. Chapter 7: Guns and Revenge

_"No one saves ourselves but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path." -Buddha_

 _Song Suggestion: Flickers by Son Lux_

Chapter Seven: Guns and Revenge

Four doesn't say a word, but we all know to follow. We even have learned to keep quiet, to not question what is happening or the destination that Four is taking us to in a rushed and urgent speed.

"We are starting on guns this afternoon, listen to the safety rules well because you won't have them repeated to you again." We reach a set of stairs and make our descent in the usual Dauntless fashion- by running. Four comes to a stop only when we make it to the roof. I know it is a different one than where we arrived after the Choosing Ceremony; there is no way to reach the train from here.

Instead the space is used as a shooting range, a set up of guns and targets are waiting for us.

Not only are the safety rules said once, they are said quickly and less in the form of rules and more of a "this is how you don't kill yourself and others" kind of format.

I focus on each tip and piece of information Four shares, guns aren't Amity and that is why I need to make sure I'm not utterly pathetic at it. Even when I didn't have the judging eyes of Eric hovering behind me, I can still hear the sound of him scoffing at me- as if I wasn't even worth calling pathetic, from the first day of fighting. I want guns to be different.

Endless and sleepless nights clump together one after another- seemingly pointless. I spent my days learning and harvesting until my body was burnt out in exhaustion. Not enough food, I thought it would be better to starve then allow myself to be manipulating into happiness, I would starve if it means they couldn't sedate me.

But why take part in extra exercise? Why read subjects someone in Amity would never need? It was for a similar golden goal that stood at the end of the dark and lengthy hallway.

To encompass the goal meant to let go of the past and the ugly memories that were plaguing my thoughts and haunting my dreams- eating away at the cotton candy clouds and replacing them with twisted nightmares.

I had a goal in mind and I wanted it bad. I _needed_ it. It was worth sneaking out into one of the unused huts and hiding books about fighting under my bed.

To be brave. To be strong.

I cannot be awful at shooting. I have to prove myself. Today I won my fight, and it cost me. Guiana is already bitter about the end results, and with Cleo and Kayla backing her up I know my bloody win made me enemies. I pushed myself- somewhere dark, to a place in my mind I don't like. And it is all worth it if I can just make it past Initiation.

"The first rule to all firearms is to treat them with respect. Don't ever point the barrel at someone unless you plan on shooting them." Four says as he loads a cartridge into a pistol. "I don't care if you have a full chamber or an empty one- you treat the gun as if it is loaded at all times. Safety on when you aren't using it. Never leave your finger on the trigger; some will have a space above the trigger you can leave you index finger but do not leave it on the trigger." I imagine myself accidently pulling the trigger and find it sad how likely I see that happening.

"Is it bad I'm kind of excited?" Willa whispers into my ear from beside me.

I give her a crooked grin and shake my head. "Not at all. I'm excited too, just terrified as well." Willa nods in agreement at that, her brown pony jumping with the sudden movement.

And then I find myself with my fingers curled around the trigger of a gun. "Does it bother you using a gun?" Connie asks me as she loads the barrel of her gun.

I shrug. "Not really, I've seen plenty, Dauntless actually have a lot of interaction with Amity. We don't get along very well when it comes to morals and lifestyles but the two Faction do manage to live in harmony." I say remembering all the times I had spent hours just watching the Dauntless on the fence or how I always volunteered to be the one to ask the Dauntless guards when we needed help unloading trucks. If it weren't for the interaction between Dauntless and Amity at the fence I'd be dead- or resembling it.

What I don't tell her is that not only does it not bother me, but also that it excites me. It's similar to the feeling of electricity shooting up and down my arms, I can't yet imagine shooting someone but the feeling of protection- it makes me feel strong. I know that is weak, to require the need of a gun to feel strong, but I can't help the fire that burns inside my body when I latch onto the firearm.

"Yeah that makes sense," Connie says nodding, she looks like she wants to ask me more about it but fortunately she doesn't.

I also see beyond Connie someone looking at us, Thea; she quickly glances back away from me but I know she was paying attention. She had the expression, it is the look she gets when she wants to ask me something- especially when it has to do with my life in Amity. I can tell the Erudite in her still is fueling her curiosity. An Amity defecting to Dauntless is rare; she wants to dissect my motives. But whenever she gets to intrude I tend to shut off, and know that we have had our fallout she hasn't had any chances to pester me for reasons.

At least one good thing came out of the argument.

"Do you plan on standing there all day, Cal, or are you going to start training?" Four calls over to me and I snap out of my thoughts to focus on the target in front of me.

I prepare myself for the recoil of the shot and center it in for the target. The position feels uncomfortable but I figure I'll get accustomed to it. Pulling the trigger, I find myself handling to kick from the shot but it still flies far from the target.

"Are you going for your target or his?" I scowl at the sound of Eric but don't look back at him, I won't let him get me freaked out, that was my first shot after all.

' _Of course he is nowhere to be seen until now.'_ I think to myself bitterly.

"His." I answer, though get a feeling of dread as soon as the words fall from my lip, immediately regretting it. What have I done?

Footsteps approach from behind me until I can just feel his looming presence over me. "Well try hitting yours." Eric says and I readjust my position to fire and wait for him to leave. When he doesn't I assume he is waiting for me to shoot. I try to aim more to the right since the last one went far left and pull the trigger. Only this time it goes far right. The distraction of Eric causing me to not prepare for the recoil, my hands jerk to the side with the shot and I near hit myself in the face.

So much for proving myself.

"You are never going to hit it like that, your stance is all wrong." Eric says and I twist my head to see him demonstrate a proper stance but instead feel his hands reach out to my arms and move them into a new position. My body freezes up in shock and horror. My heart races as I plant myself to where I stand, I won't run away, I won't, no matter how much I really want to right now. The electric feeling of someone unfamiliar touching me has adrenaline pumping like lead through my blood.

"Now try shooting." His voice is too close. His smell is too close, not that he smelt bad but knowing whom the smell belonged to and how it clouded around me made bile rise up my throat. I swallow it down and block at the pressure from his hand holding me in the proper position.

I squeeze on the trigger and the shot fires into the second outer ring. Even with my rigid stance the recoil pushes me back, back into _him._ He doesn't react to my movement but everywhere we made contact feels numb.

"Good job, _Choker."_ This time it is a whisper, and I can feel his breath on my exposed neck. I can't help but shiver at the sensation, not even able to be pleased at hitting the target.

My heart sinks into the deepest pit of my chest as he finally releases me. I want to hide- to live out the feeling of dread going on in my head. My entire body feels numb. It is the closest I've been to another person that isn't my mother in years and I didn't run away. Part of me finds success in that, another is angry it was Eric I had to be so close to.

I continue shooting with the stance Eric set me in and find myself consistently hitting the target, and just once or twice hitting the center circle. Almost by accident rather than deliberately but I'll take it. Firing guns doesn't have to be my forte- but I have to be good enough to pass.

By the end of training my arms are sore, stretching them to be straight hurts and they naturally fall back into a curled position. My entire body burns as well, the activity requiring more energy than I ever imagined. Not only does my body feel sore, but my mind as well. From the pressure of tension among my fellow Initiates, the incident of Eric, and the concentration required to maintain a consistent shot; my mind is melted.

Surprisingly the best shooter is Ash, his size helps him keep stable with the recoil of the gun. His natural eye for aim keeping him consistently hitting the target- if not the inner circles. While some of us might have achieved a nice level of accuracy, Ash has already achieved a level of precision. Willa wasn't too bad either- despite the gun being almost her size.

Even after training, my head doesn't seem to clear, the fog clogging up my thoughts for dinner, my mind unable to even attempt at listening to Willa's words. I don't like ignoring her but I can't help it. I'm not hungry- I can't even look at the chocolate cake. And by the time we are heading back to the room I begin to understand why my mind refuses to think straight.

I'm falling into old habits. After escaping that floating sensation, the feeling of not belonging to my own body, that I seemed to never escape back in Amity- and definitely not after the incident. Once arriving here I finally felt free from that, and after all that I'm relapsing into it once more. My body doesn't feel like it belongs to me and every second I think about it or think about reality it is like my mind is being jerked back in and it doesn't feel right.

But I know I'm overacting, my mind is tired and recent events haven't helped. As everyone heads out to the Pit or to bed, I decide on my first shower with another human being. It is just Willa, but still.

We undress in silence and immediately begin washing off the grim from the day, it wasn't that I was uncomfortable with her; it was being uncomfortable with my body and my fear of anyone being able to walk in at any moment. We shower in silence and I cherish the peace in being quiet.

After we finish and wrap ourselves in towels, we are about to leave when I hear hushed whispering. I reach out my arm to stop Willa from leaving and place my finger to my lips to signal her to keep silent. I know who is talking.

"I did it." I hear Cleo say from outside the bathroom, her and her friend's beds being the closest to the bathroom made listening in easy. It wasn't right and a little silly to assume whatever they were discussing would be interesting but I've been hoping to understand what I saw the night previous ever since it happened. The image of her and Eric kissing refusing to leave me alone.

"What was it like?" Kayla says in a hazy voice, if they are talking about what I think they are then her reaction is no surprise, half the reason the girl defected was to be with "dangerous" Dauntless men. Personally I find that one of the stupidest things I've ever heard. It is one thing to appreciate the style of men- another to completely leave your life behind for it.

"Wait…" Cleo's voice sounds closer and before I have the time to process it she is around the corner and staring at Willa and I. I shift uncomfortably in my towel and stare with wide eyes at her. There is no use pretending we didn't hear that. Then again I'm not even supposed to understand the context of the conversation, I try and replicate the confused look Willa has. "What are you two doing? Are you listening to us?"

"We were showering and about to leave." I say and attempt to move past her but Kayla and Guiana's approach blocks off my exit. "Excuse me." I say to them and try stepping around the two. Kayla holds her arm out to create a barrier and Guiana steps forward. I don't understand what they could do; fighting had been establish as only acceptable during training.

But I understand very clear what they mean to do when Guiana tugs on my towel. "And I believe this is my towel." She says as I latch onto it for dear life. Willa moves forward to do something but Cleo holds her back. "Listening to our conversations and stealing my towel? Wow Amity."

"Screw off." I grunt as I rip her grip away, only for her to grab at the towel once more and have it fall away from my body. Jumping back and covering myself I feel my cheeks flame.

"Aw, what's wrong Amity? Afraid someone might see you?" Cleo says in a mocking tone as she pulls my arm forward and pushes me out into the room. "Think about that before you eavesdrop again." I stumble forward, happy for the darkness of the room though knowing people must see me or at least have heard what happened, which is bad enough. I stumble forward to my bed and quickly dress in the first things I find. I hear Willa behind me and Connie speaking, I didn't even know she was awake still. She is yelling behind me but I don't look back.

They didn't do that because I was listening to them, or annoyed them, they did it because I beat Guiana. I beat her and made it bloody, I embarrassed her so they embarrass me. Their failure to do anything to Willa made that clear.

I leave the room without another word, barely remembering shoes on the way out. They wanted to embarrass me and they did, I let them. Maybe I couldn't have stopped it from happening but I didn't have to let it affect me.

After my first day here, I learned of another way up to the roof. I quickly find myself on the path, climbing the stairs in quick strides. Part of me hopes for the familiar sight of sun when I reach the roof, but it is already night. Thunder shakes the staircase as I climb.

Opening the door to the outside, I'm pleased to see it isn't raining, though a storm is definitely approaching. The sound of thunder and the appearance of ominous clouds and lightning give that much away.

I sit on the dusty ground and bring my knees close up to my chest, wrapping my arms around them to squeeze myself together. I stare out to the City, silent. My mind spinning and flying in circles around my body, suddenly it is like I can't even remember how I felt being exposed- just how I felt knowing I let them get to me.

Part of me wonders how anyone could be so vengeful or bitter, but I know better than to believe the lies Amity fed to me. People are not good. And sometimes they are worse than "not good", sometimes they are just plan old mean.

"Hey." I quickly spin my head around to the voice, hearing the door shut after Jayce. He has a container in his hand and an unsteady walk. He must be drunk. Recalling who didn't go out, I remember him and Samuel leaving for the Pit far before I showered, he not being in the room means he shouldn't know what happened.

"Hello." I respond, staring back to the landscape. Jayce was strange, top of the transfers but constantly gone through the night drinking or gambling. The morning seemed to bring him a groggy spell but never really hung-over. He was silent, not joking like Samuel or kind like Lucas. He wasn't mean either, sometimes I wonder if he even cares. He was rebellious, one of those still talking back or making small comments under his breath. Why I'm not sure.

I hear him sit down next to me and look over to see him staring off to the city. He reeks of whiskey, but somehow not in disgustingly. "Saw you coming out of the initiate room pretty fast, when I came in some people were arguing so I figured you'd run off to get some air."  
"So you followed me?" It comes out harsher than intended, but he doesn't seem insulted by the tone. Of course no, the boy isn't bothered by anything.  
"Yeah."

I glance back out to the city, surprised by his answer. Usually people don't admit to following someone so easily. He definitely doesn't seem to be here to comfort me. "It was stupid- what happened."

"Figured, something with Cleo and her goons?" I nod to his question. "She's just getting revenge for Guiana. Vengeful bitch, what did she do?"  
I'm silent for a few moments, and don't feel like explaining why what she did was such a big deal. "Stole my towel."

"Oh." Jayce nods once before I catch his attention finally pull from the city to my direction; I match his stare as he speaks, "Did it embarrass you?"

I look at him funny for a moment before giving a saddened laugh. "Yeah." At first I was going to say something, make sure he didn't give me pity. I didn't want it, because that would just make me feel weak, but he didn't give it to me anyway.  
"You shouldn't let it."  
"I can't change it now."  
He shakes his head. "Of course not, but you can make her regret it." I raise my eyebrows at him, curious to see what he has to say about that plan. "Do what her and all her goons won't do- make cuts." Jayce doesn't present it like an inspirational speech or something to lift me, and I'm glad for that, his lax attitude unchanging, he says it in a matter of fact fashion.

"You're strange." I mutter.

He doesn't respond, instead we sit there, the only sound being the roar of thunder and the sloshing of liquid when Jayce takes a swig from his bottle. As the storms approach in the dark sky closer to the Dauntless Compound, a drizzle begins to land on the roof. I sigh but get to my feet, wiping off the dust from my leggings. "Leaving?" Jayce asks me, looking up to me and uninterested as always.

I nod, looking up to the sky. "It's raining, aren't you?" He shakes his head and I decide to not pester him about being out in the rain. I know my nagging won't make a difference to him. Besides, he has done something kind for me; he has given me a plan. Before I leave I turn back to him. "Thank you, for what you said."

He turns around to face me, his blonde hair beginning to matt to his head in wet strands. He's attractive, his carefree attitude and talent something I could already notice making girls stare at him. "What did I say?"

"To make cuts." I say, unsure if he really has forgotten or why he bothered asking.

"Oh."

I leave Jayce out on the roof like that; uninterested, drunk, and in the rain. Taking the stairs two a time, I pass the Pit and its current partying occupants and make my way to the training room. Never before have I gone in after being dismissed but I assume it is open.

Luckily it is, and I don't leave disappointed. I'm not ready to go back and now I have things to do. Even though I know Willa and Connie must be looking for me by now. Selfishness keeps me to my plans. I jog, go through my warm-up and repeat the process. I do everything and repeat anything I struggle in and do it a couple dozen more times. I do it until sweat drips down the sides of my freshly cleaned skin.

An entire army could be in the room and I wouldn't notice, I lock into the way my body moves and shifts and how it feels. I memorize the feeling of a strong punch and distract myself from the burning sensation in my muscles when they get sore. My limbs stiffen and I stretch them out, not refusing to stop until I feel ready for another shower.

Backing away from the punching bag in front of me, I feel tears trail down my cheeks and integrate into the beads of sweat. I don't make a sound to indicate my cries, but instead allow my eyes to bunch up and let the tears flow.

When I find my eyes finally dried out, I leave. The extra exercising pushing me over the edge as the sore feeling in my muscles show in even the simple act of walking back to the Initiate room.

It is dark when I enter; I head straight to the shower and strip down. Washing the sweat from the work out off my body, I don't hesitate to get dressed again. My mind is racing and clouded, and my limbs numb.

Falling into bed afterwards, the soft sound of rustling begins in Willa's bed.

"Where have you been?" The hushed whisper from the bed next to mine reaches me in my sleepy state.

Sitting up to glance at Willa, I see her unharmed, all except the worried expression she wears. I shrug half-hearted. "Sorry, I needed some air." I whisper back. She nods and I can tell even in the lack of lighting that she wants to push for more but instead sighs.

"Connie yelled at Connie for what she did." Willa says.

I glance at Connie's sleeping figure; I'll have to thank her. "Thank you." I say and fall backwards into bed.

"Of course" I hear Willa whisper as her sheets ruffle with movement, and then silence.

-0-

A/N- Apologies about the week with not updates, it has been a busy week for me but I'm excited to get back into this story. I also appreciate how many people are starting to follow/favorite/review this story, thank you so much!

Anyway things are going to be getting a bit more exciting, I want this story to have conflict. I despise when stories, often non-canon or OC pairing stories put plot and story back burner to the relationship. Like obviously most people are reading this to see Eric paired with an OC, but who would want to read some story where all that happens is some Amity transfers, Eric is mean and she doesn't like him but then they fall in love! Then they have romance and she goes through Initiation and that's it. That's boring; I want the pairing and story to be like Ying and Yang! Sorry I'm rambling; I'm just ranting a bit. I just hate when good stories just are lacking in build up or conflict and especially when they decide at the very end like "lol I guess I have to have a climax or something." And throw in some random conflict that had no build up at all and pretty much makes no sense. Ugh, anyway thanks for reading again!


	8. Chapter 8: Smoke Filled Room

_"Mystery creates wonder and wonder is the basis of man's desire to understand." -Neil Armstrong_

 _Song Suggestion: First part- Free the Animal by Sia, Second Part- Teardrop by Massive Attack_

Chapter Eight: Smoke Filled Room

Chapter Eight

Another morning of silence; my hands shaking as they attempt the braids for myself, they turn out fine just not with the same look that comes from experienced hands like Connie's. My eyes sweep across the room and everyone shuffling to get ready for the day, preparing for the unknown. It is a peaceful sound- the white noise of moving bodies with no tension or words to disturb it.

No one mentions last night. The closest we get to discussing what happened is when I thank Connie. When she responds in a knowing smile and welcome, I also mentally thank her for not dwelling on the topic.

We get breakfast this morning as well. Ever since the first day when we had to run immediately following, we eat conservatively. No one wants a repeat of that event. By the time we are done and in the training room Four and Eric are walking in.

Someone once told me Eric is supposed to be bouncing back and forth between transfers and Dauntless-born, but he sure seems to spend more time here then with them. Or maybe the time with him just seems longer by his presence.

"Don't start warming up, we are going right to fights." Four shouts as the fights are listed on the board. My name is second to last and right across from Douglas. I glance at him in a rapid movement as soon as I see we are paired together, he catches my stare and gives a snake like smile.

My stomach churns at the look and the thought of him having to touch me and myself having to touch him has bile rising in the back of my throat. I knew from other's fights that it was likely I'd eventually be fighting a male, but why him? My mind recalls his previous fights, he wasn't bad, but he wasn't the best, but he was brutal at times.

Taking my spot beside Willa and Connie, Lucas and his friends join beside us. I attempt to catch Jayce's eye; to see if he is hung-over or showing any signs of his rough night, but he keeps his eyes looking forward. The only evidence left on his face is darkened circles around his eyes. He has a bruise along the edge of his cheek from his fight with the older Dauntless, but the Dauntless looked worse. That much I could tell from when I saw him sulking around the next day at dinner.

Fights start off slowly and slowly get more intense. An exciting end comes from Kayla and Willa's fight when Willa manages to knock the small girl out, I could barely contain myself but held back. Not only did Willa win but also it was against Kayla. It was perfect- until I remembered the bitterness the trio had for me when I beat Guiana. Will the same happen to Willa, has she gained a spot on their shit list?

Connie gets into a tough fight with Harvey, eventually being beaten. It hurts me to watch it go down. Not because I worry for Connie- no Connie is strong, it just disgusts me to see the sadistic look that Harvey wears as he takes pleasure in beating Connie to a pulp. She is carried of to the Infirmary afterwards, Lucas insisting on taking her.

Ash wins his own fight as well, which is nice considering he is one of those at risk for being cut. It was only against Lucas but it was a win anyway. Despite being our fallout I want to see him make cuts. He deserves it.

As the fights begin and end I begin a count down of how many are left until mine, and as Lucas stumbles off the stage after his defeat the number reaches zero. My heart beats rapidly and loudly; the entire room must be hearing it. Douglas must hear it.

He has the look the Guiana had. The one that he just _knows_ he'll beat me. Maybe he will- he is stronger and faster than Guiana. He is taller too. I try to stand taller, warm up my body by dancing a bit in my step. I think back to the night I ran back to the Initiate room after watching Cleo kiss Eric, and how I emerged from my shower to see Douglas and Harvey's faces masked with stoic faces, their intentions to get to me shown through their slimy smiles. Channeling that memory helps me fire up; it makes me want to beat Douglas.

My mind then flashes to a familiar nightmare, to that familiar night, as soon as I see the smirk on Douglas's face. But I repress the memories and allow myself to slip once more into that thoughtless state I held when fighting Guiana. At least I won't feel bad about hitting Douglas.

I strike first, wanting this fight over with. My elbow connects with his throat and he rebuffs my attack by swinging his fist into my shoulder.

' _Think of last night, think of how it feels.'_ I remind myself as I throw another combination of punches, trying to replicate the strength I found last night when training on my own. My strength is improving and the punches have a little bit more effect than I remember them having before, but the improvement doesn't stop Douglas from kicking me backwards.

My blood heats and weighs my body down with adrenaline. I choke out for air, my one hand instinctively holding onto my stomach while the other stays up in defense.

I get back to the stance I held before and attempt hitting him with the hard parts of my bones but he starts trying to grab my limbs as I attack him, he twists them and tries to knock me off my feet. Even pulling me when he gets a good enough grasp. I resist it for a while until he gets a strong enough hold onto my leg to throw me onto the ground. The impact stings throughout my entire body and steals my breath, but I fight through the pain.

Knowing he'll kick me, I roll away just as his foot comes flying. I hear him curse in aggravation as he joins me on the ground. I kick at his legs but he continues down. He presses his elbow into my throat and I feel my vision blur and sharpen in and out of focus. I'm panicking now, to the point where my actions are sloppy and useless. My eyes threaten to tear up but I refuse to cry, trying instead to focus on manage my hyperventilating as his elbow puts more pressure into my throat.

This position is too close and it is affecting me. It doesn't help seeing everyone watch us; they must expect me to lose. I can see it in Douglas's face as he snatches my foot and twists it the wrong way. A burning sensation following as I clench my teeth together to stop any cry of pain to escape me.

 _'He is no better than me, I will not let him make me weak.'_ I focus all my strength and energy into thrusting my fist in his nose. His face moves back with my fist and I clench my face together. His elbow moves from my throat and I can breathe normally once more. Blood begins to flow from his nose from the punch and drips onto my face and neck.

I scramble to my feet and he follows shortly after. Wishing he'd just fall over, I search for ways to end this but come up with no solid plan. I just know he can't win. He tugs on one of my braids and I let out a screech before kneeing his stomach. Anger fuels my mind and I give in to the one idea that was eating away at the back of my mind. Moving around him I go for the move that won me my last fight.

Wrapping my arm around his throat, I make sure to tighten my hold to get this over faster. My arms burn from applying the strength and I once again struggle to keep myself from being thrown off. When he goes limp I'm left panting.

This wasn't supposed to end up like the last one. But I didn't know how else to finish him. How could I have ended this any other way when there is no succeeding?

My face must look distraught and I know it's covered in Douglas' blood. My body shakes as I leave the platform and make a beeline for Willa. I'm stopped half way by a strong hand.

Looking up panicked at Eric, I search his expression to try and understand but I can't. He doesn't seem affected by my startling appearance or the blood splattered onto my face.

"You can't keep doing the same move, Initiate." He says as his cold eyes stare into mine. I panic and try to move back but he doesn't let me.

"Okay…" I say quickly and stumble away as soon as he lets me.

Eric is right, the choke out has worked but it won't keep working. Even if it does I need to show a range of capabilities- not just being able to steal someone's breath.

Douglas is carried down from the platform and the last fight begins. I don't focus on it, instead leaving to wash the blood from my face. No one stops me from leaving to the bathroom and when I see my reflection I cringe.

My hair is a rat's nest and I look like I just killed someone. The splatter of crimson decorating my face strangely morbid all the while near poetic, but unsettling all the same, if anything due to my morbid interest in the look. I take my auburn hair from the braids and pull it back into a neat pony. After washing away the blood from my face I take another look at myself. I look tired, bags under my reddened eyes. But I'll take tired it over the animalistic look.

Returning to the others, I restore my thoughts back to normal and watch the remainder of the last fight.

After the fights, those who aren't in the Infirmary do laps around the training room until Four is satisfied. When we are done with that we are lead to one of the ends of the rooms we haven't gone to yet, the targets for knife throwing.

Knife training is much less eventful than firearm practice, but I have just as much trouble. Four attempts to help me and I manage to get the blade to stick to the board but not hit the target. I'll just have to practice this as well. Might as well make a habit of coming to train after and before training. I know I need it.

A story is told of last year's transfers having knife training turn into a sadistic circus when one Initiate defied Eric, Willa mentions the story because it ended up with Tris volunteering for the Initiate to stand in front of one of targets and having Four throw knives at her upon Eric's request.

It was pointlessly cruel, and ironic considering Four and Tris' now relationship. Luckily nothing of that sort happened since Eric left shortly after the fights to go with the Dauntless-born.

One small success comes from when I manage to lodge one knife into the outermost ring of the target; I smile to myself and continue. If I don't get it now, I'll keep coming back and practicing until I do.

-o-

"Cal, please?" Connie tugs on my arm, dragging me in the direction of the tattoo parlor. How a girl who just got out of the Infirmary is so strong I don't know, but she sure is. Her face even manages to be as beautiful and bright despite the black eye she is sporting.

"Come on, you are Dauntless now!" Lucas says from beside Connie.

Willa silently trails beside us, already agreeing on getting a tattoo. She had a joyful kick to her step. "Trust me, I want tattoos. I've wanted them since forever- it just doesn't feel right yet."  
"You've won two out of your three fights, Cal, that's a good ratio." Connie says as we enter the shop. Tattoo options cover the walls on orange slates and I think to my conversation with Ash the last time we were here. It makes me sad to know I can't talk to him like that anymore. I especially feel the sadness when I notice the bull's head tattoo slate.

I consider getting a tattoo; getting one before I even really have proven myself seemed presumptuous but even if I end up Factionless I think I would want some kind of memento of my time spent here.

 _'To remember'_ I think to myself as I search the slates. My searching giving away my caving in as Connie leaves me alone to look for her own body addition. Willa stands by me as she reaches out to a simple mountain tattoo. It is a small and simple design but I see her inspiration as she holds it to her wrist and glances up at me with big eyes.

"What do you think?" She asks.

I smile, able to imagine it. "It works, any motive for picking that one in particular?"

"I want to be as strong as a mountain." Willa says with a giant smile spread across her young looking features.

I didn't want my first tattoo to be pointless; I liked Willa's idea. _Strength._ It reminded me of Ash's motives. Something nice to remember; what do I want to remember?

Freedom. My eyes land of the silhouette of a bird in flight, taking it off the wall and hold it up to Willa. She shakes her head in approval. "Where?"  
Thinking my options over, I wonder where I could place the small tattoo so that it wouldn't look strange or out of place. "Behind my ear." I tell her and she gives another sign of approval. _'I want to be as free as a bird.'_

Happy with my decision, I'm walking up to the woman behind the counter when Connie stops me. "That's it? It is tiny!" She comments with a glare.

I roll my eyes and show it to the woman anyway. "I can get bigger tattoos later, I'm starting simple."

"Boring." Connie says and shows off her own choice of the Dauntless symbol. "I'm getting this on my stomach, what do you think?"

I smile, "I like it." Secretly I consider that as my own personal option but know better, if I were to become Factionless it would be an ugly reminder. Willa emerges with another tattoo, a lotus flower, and Lucas follows shortly with his own decision.

My tattoo is first, which was simple considering its small size. It didn't bother me it wasn't large. I liked the look of it; with my hair braided it is easy to see the final product. Smiling in the mirror as I inspect it, a waiting Willa stands behind me. "You really should splurge, are you sure you don't want anything else?"

I laugh and turn to look at her. "Did the girl from Abnegation just tell me to _splurge?"_ I ask.

She rolls her eyes and crosses her arms. "I'm not Abnegation anymore, but if anything it just proves I'm right!"  
"Fine, I'll get my ears pierced, how about that?" She smiles as soon as the words come out of my mouth. She looks surprised, as I am by my quick decision.

"Wonderful!"

It was another bad decision to get my ears pierced, what if they were to get infected during training? But it was worth it; I have to admit I really have wanted them pierced for a while. I'll just have to be careful.

With my ears soon pierced by small black earrings and my new tattoo finished, my friends still await finish from their larger tattoos. "Hey I think I'm going to head out." I tell them. Training finished early today so I want to get some extra work in; maybe work with my knife throwing. It would be nice to not return to training tomorrow still sucking at it.

"Alright!" Connie shouts to me from her position on the tattoo parlor's chair with her stomach exposed for her tattoo.

Leaving the shop and heading through the Pit, I come across a strange event in one of the rooms. The party is less rowdy than the usual party, but smoke clouds the room. It is hard to even see, the only lighting coming from the blue light that struggles to shine through the smog in the room.

It is strange to not just keep moving, the parties never did much for me anyway, but I _couldn't._ Something about the party left me enchanted. Dazed by the scene, the bodies in front of me moving in rhythmic yet slowed movements. The music even embodied the same strange and alluring emotion.

Walking along the edge of the crowd, my lungs choke on the air, but the smell left me desperate to soak the entire thing in. Less sweat and alcohol and more… _something-_ I couldn't place the scent. Alcohol and sweat were in the mixture but there was more.

None of the transfers were here and I couldn't recognize the Dauntless-born by face to know if they were involved in the mix.

No one seem bothered by my appearance so I imagined it was fine for me to just stick to the wall. Just why am I so drawn to this place?

The sudden smell of strong alcohol infiltrates my nostrils as someone slumps against the wall next to me. My hazy mind jerks back into concentration as I look over at the person, it wasn't just anyone. It was Eric. Standing looking onto the crowd with a drink in his hand and a dazed expression; if I didn't know better I would imagine it was the same look I embodied not too long ago.

"Strange isn't it? They seem so blissful being out of it, almost makes you jealous. Some people just don't have such an easy time losing themselves." Eric pauses as he speaks before speaking again. "What about you, are you one of those people?" He doesn't do anything to signify he is talking to me until his question ends with his eyes shifting to me.

But why is he talking to me? I want to ask but know I can't just outright question why he is suddenly not being a complete asshole. "Are you asking if I'm like them, or if I'm not like them?" My question floats on the strange atmosphere of the party.

"Does it matter?" _'What does that even mean?'_ I think as he blue eyes shine in the lighting of the room. He looks at me and I finally understand what it is that is always so captivating about his stare, it is intimidating but not just that it is _knowing._ Like he can see right through a person and be able to see their weaknesses, and maybe that is why he so easily terrifies the Initiates and even most of the Dauntless members.

"I don't know." I say, concerned, what is happening here? Is he trying to trap me into something, finding a way to use my weaknesses against me? Or is he trying to draw them out? Eric must notice my paranoia because he chuckles to himself, a strange sound to emerge from him.

He must be really drunk. That explains it; I can smell the alcohol on him anyway. Finally Eric's eyes drift from my cautious eyes to my ears, it is a nice release to not have to hold up eye contact with him. "About time you look Dauntless." He comments in a surly voice. I quickly glance away and onto the clump bodies all unaware to the strange conversation I'm holding with Dauntless' youngest leader. "And a tattoo, look at you." He says.

I stay silent, deciding it is better to say nothing at all then risk saying something wrong. To get on Eric's bad side is to dig your own grave. My face tries to adjust itself to try and not seem frightened by I don't hide my caution well, even I can pick that up.

Suddenly something is holding up my hand. Snapping my head back up to look at Eric I see him focused on my knuckles, cuts and blisters covering the surface of my knuckles. He grunts and releases my clenched hand after he is done inspecting them. "You need to wrap your hands better." I look at him confused for a moment before nodding slowly.

"Yeah, thanks I will." I say speaking slowly, testing out the waters of speaking to him. His action has left me uncomfortable. I don't like having contact with him, even if he was just picking up my hands to look at them.

First this party, and now Eric? Everything is so strange and slow, as if in a dream. Is this a dream, some kind of bad nightmare? Why didn't I just move away as soon as Eric appeared next to me? Or better yet, kept walking and never enter this party. I should be in the training room right now working on my knife throwing.

Something feels heavy on my braid and as my eyes flutter to Eric I see him inspecting the braid, his eyes searching the bottom and trailing up until landing on my face. Our eyes connect and something unreadable flashes in his eyes for a moment before he releases my braid. It falls to my shoulder and burns the skin when it lands, my mind swirling and body numb.

"I like the braids." Eric says simply and I force myself to not look away. His tone is almost mocking, but yet it doesn't sound like a jab on my hairstyle choice.  
"Thanks."

But he isn't done talking, and I have yet to run away; why I don't know. "Your fighting is getting better, but if you keep the same strategy you will be easy to counterattack. You have to keep things changing or people will know what to expect."

I take a moment to blink before realizing Eric is standing here in front of me giving me fighting advice. This has to be a dream. "I'll admit, I'm unsure how else to end a fight." My voice fortunately doesn't carry the panic I feel.

"Use your endurance." He says, as he starts moving.

I whisper a thank you as he leaves without another look or word. _'What was that?'_ I think as I stand utterly still for a dragged out moment that turn into eternity before I force my body to begin moving.

My mind is in an even stronger haze as I leave, it seems every time Eric gets close to me it always ends up the same way. Is this my way of handling fear, by shutting down? It isn't until I wander the Compound for a while until I remember my plans to continue training on my own.

Carrying my body to the training mind, I allow my thoughts to float around analyzing recent events as I practice. But no matter how I look at all the pieces or how much I try to peg it all on drunkenness, I can't accept any answer.

It seems I'm just going to have to settle on not knowing, because I sure as hell am not asking Eric.

-o-

A/N- thanks everyone for reading! Reviews are always super appreciated :) I'm kind of enjoying updating on an every other day basis, but don't hold me to my word on that.


	9. Chapter 9: The Puzzle

_"I desire the things which will destroy me in the end." -Sylvia Plath_

 _Song Suggestion: Dangerous by Big Data feat. Joywave_

Chapter Nine: The Puzzle

 _Smack!_

The sound of the knife digging into the center of the target seems to echo throughout the training room. I'm left dumbfounded and trying to not seem too impressed by Four's display of skill.

I want to be able to do that.

This morning I was able to squeeze in a decent amount of training before the other Initiates and Four entered, but I still struggle with blade skills. Throwing them in particular. I managed to achieve an average skill level but know I'm still not good enough to secure my spot. And lately, I've been craving that security. Even just for the first round of cuts.

But I can feel myself growing stronger; I'm beginning to see it as well. My stomach is starting to harden from the flab I had upon arrival and my arms and legs have grown defined and more toned.

I can see the differences on my peers too; we are all turning into little soldiers. It is just a shame for some it won't make a difference.

I stand by Willa as we begin practicing, we don't speak but stay close to one another like usual. I notice Cleo stand next to Willa, lazily inspecting her knife before starting to throw. Her face seems to hold nothing but that neutralism almost seems forced, like she is trying to seem inconspicuous. I watch her from my peripheral, not trusting her and her goons after the shower incident. Now that Willa beat Kayla I expect she must have something planned.

 _'I hate her'_ I think as my next throw represents the anger slow burning in my stomach. The rage makes my aim sharper; my knife lodges itself into one of the inner rings of the target. I'm smiling to myself in pride as I hear metal clatter to the ground. The sound of moving bodies and knife hitting wood pauses as we all look to the cause of the sound, Cleo stands with folded arms looking at Willa enraged as the small girl stares dumbfounded at the blades scattered on the ground between them.

Did Cleo knock them off in hope one would find Willa's feet? Or was it an accident? Maybe I'm paranoid, but I expect the former. "What the hell? Pick them up." Cleo says as she gestures to the knives on the ground.

Willa stands still for a moment, looking around unsure.

"Hello? Can you hear me? I said pick them up you klutz." Cleo rebuffs to Willa's silence.

I reach out to grab Willa's wrist and stop her from moving. "You don't take orders from her." I tell her quietly, staring at Cleo as I say it. Why do I feel so wrathful towards this girl? Sure she's uselessly mean and maybe her friends pulled some stupid prank on me but it was all petty- it didn't matter, shouldn't matter. Yet to me, it did, and I can't help but feel for reasons beyond my knowledge.

"She didn't ask for your opinion!" Cleo says as she folds her arms to stare back at me. Back in Amity I'd look away and just stomp off, but that was then. That was with a daily dosage of Peace Serum.

"I don't care, she isn't picking up your knives, so pick them up for yourself." Cleo's face reddens at my words and I feel the tension growing, Willa caught in the middle of a battle bigger than her. I notice the dead silence surrounding us, and all the eyes watching us.

The sound of enraged footsteps finally causes Cleo and I to give up holding each other's stare. Eric is approaching. "If you two want a fight, you have one." He says as he looks at us, his face red with anger. Neither one of us move. "Did you two hear me? I said if you want a fight, you are going to do it the proper way, so go! Now!" Eric points in the direction of the fighting ring.

I swallow harshly and start walking in the direction he pointed us. Look what I've done; I got myself into a fight.

 _'Maybe this is good, sure as hell know I want to punch Cleo.'_ I almost get excited at the idea of releasing my bitterness for the girl, but if I lose it could mean the difference between staying and leaving. This isn't just a fight, it is a punishment- a chance to prove myself. Or ruin myself.

I can't lose.

Breathing in steady breaths and trying to go over the various moves I've been working on, I watch with narrowed eyes as Cleo joins me on the platform and takes up a defensive stance. Thinking of her previous fights and how she won or lost them, I'm trying to think quickly.

But she catches me off guard by rushing into the fight; I must not be the only excited for this release.

Once again my mind forces the negative thoughts to the surface, mainly the one of her kissing Eric and the shower incident, and as I throw a right hook it turns out I've also gotten better at channeling the rage. I'm more dexterous now.

Kicking at the back of her knees, she catches herself before her legs can give in and she throws her arm into my neck. Rage mixing with panic and desperation has me coming back from the jab to my neck as I grab onto her shoulders and bring her downwards to knee her in the stomach. Throwing Cleo to the side and kicking her, her legs buckle under her weight.

The fight is going well, I momentarily pause in amazement before kicking her fallen figure. Cleo chokes and I have a flash back to my own body begging for air as someone else kicked me.

Straddling her stomach I begin punching her face, not even finding myself affected by the violence like I once did. I can't choke her out, Eric made it clear that I can't use that anymore, but to end the fight I need to do something. _Use your endurance._ It was the only way, and luckily enough for me Cleo wasn't the best with her own endurance, she was strong and swift but a life of studying hasn't strengthened her physical will like a life in fields has for me.

I bring my fist downward for another punch and she grabs it before throwing me off of her chest, rolling on top of me and switching the roles. I try bringing my hands up to block my face but Cleo is on top of my arms, her knees digging them into the ground as she hits me with her first punch. My face moves violently with it and smack the ground with the side of my face.

I can't lose.

Bringing my legs up I put all my energy into flinging my legs up to kick her in the back of the head. She groans and I take the moment to roll out from under her weight, cheek still stinging from her punch.

The faces watching us blur and multiply as my shaky muscles get to my feet, concentrating my mind and vision I push myself to start fighting again. Using my endurance to push through, I fight until her movements slow and I can easily dance around her attempts at touching me, jabbing my fists and elbows into her when I get the opportunity.

As I get close enough to punch at the sensitive part of her collarbone, feeling confident with myself now, I suddenly am brought with an excoriating pain. My braids yanked downward, I screech in pain and try to rip her hands from my head. She finally kicks me in the groin and the world begins spinning. Stumbling away I try to focus but find it near impossible.

Only able to barely avoid her punches and kicks, we lazily try to continue our fight, both stubborn to not give up. Wrestling with each other uselessly, we struggle for dominance. "Stop playing with each other!" Eric shouts from the sidelines.

Somehow I find the effort, I don't know how I manage or from where I find the energy but I do. Throwing my entire body into a single punch I throw my fist into Cleo's bruising and sweaty face. I can hear a cracking sound as I punch. Watching the stream of blood pour before Cleo falls, I can barely stand up myself.

I look to Four and Eric, desperate to know that this is enough- that it's over. Four signals for someone to go in for Cleo and I stumble from the stage.

The world tilts side to side as a ringing noise overpowers the sound of words and talking around me, then finally the floor seems so close- so hard to escape. My hands catch myself as I fall and take a spot on the ground to ride out the spinning.

It was like being a child again, spinning in circles before discovering just how it made the world spun. Only now it isn't getting better and it isn't ending. I feel a wave of nausea overtake me.

Someone places a hand on my shoulder and I look back at the faded face of Ash. Confusion settles in, even in my awful state. "Come on." His voice sounds far, nothing compared to the overwhelming ringing.

His arms help me to my feet and hold me there when my body sways and gives into the spinning. He leads me out of the room and I'm too out of it to speak or think twice why he is suddenly helping me after ignoring me for so long.

As he near carries me out of the room, I see Cleo crying in heavy sobs as she holds her nose.

"I think you broke her nose." Ash says as we exit the training room. Did I really break her nose? I'm not sure if I am proud or disgusted with myself. "Trust me, I mean it as a compliment. That was a hell of a punch."

I open my mouth to respond but only a funny noise comes out.

Ash takes me to the bathroom where he sits my on the ground before getting a towel and wetting it, wiping it over my face. It feels nice and cold, but the moment is interrupted when I run off to the toilet to empty out my stomach.

I manage to make the spinning stop as I clench onto the bowl, sobbing. "Are you alright, Cal?" Ash's kind voice brings me to and I turn around to look at him.

Nodding, I wipe the tears from my face. "Yeah, I feel better now." I don't ask him why he is suddenly not ignoring me and instead decide on thanking him. "Thanks for the help, really." He nods in welcome before extending his hand out to me. I take it and he lifts me from the ground. I manage to wash the tears and grim from my face and mouth.

"Want some more time to yourself?" Ash asks and I shake my head.

We head back in silence to the Training Room, where the rest of the Initiates are back to training. Cleo and Kayla are gone so I imagine Kayla took her to the infirmary. Suddenly I find myself deciding to be proud for breaking her nose, maybe now the three will leave us alone. ' _Or now things could get worse.'_

At least now I know I can beat her.

Not trying to draw attention to myself, I carry out training in silence and in my typical routine. Eventually Kayla returns and after lunch Cleo is back too. We don't have anymore fights- as if Cleo and I's was enough. The afternoon is spent on firearms, where I find myself growing to like it more and more. The power I feel with my fingers curled around the trigger definitely seems to be my vice, but I can't manage to care enough to wonder why I like it so much.

Despite Ash's kindness, we relapse back into our routine of avoiding each other. Though there seems to be a lack of tension now, which I can be glad for to say the least. I already feel like I have enough enemies in the group of Initiates, as it is, no need to add Thea and Ash to the list.

After dinner I say goodbye to my friends to go to the Training room. I wasn't secretive about my actions but never open either; maybe I just crave the alone time. Life had been so isolated in Amity that it is a habit that I can't rid myself of now.

When I enter the Training room, I don't find the usual silence. The sound of a fist colliding with the material of the punching bags fills the room with the occasional sound. Eric stands in front of one of the punching bags, sweating and drenched in sweat.

I stand still for a few seconds before thinking over my options, I could just carry out my own activities and hope he says nothing to me or if anything he is impressed by my extra effort- but I don't feel like the thought of being alone with him. The last time I talked to him he was drunk, and I don't need a reminder of that, if he even remembers the conversation.

"What are you doing here, you were dismissed?" The voice is accusing, I nervously look away from Eric as he stares at me with an annoyed expression drawn across his sweating features.

"I wanted extra practice." My voice echoes in the emptiness of the room.

He snickers, running his fingers through the short length of his blonde hair. "Want help?" It almost sounds like a personal joke to himself, but when he doesn't retract the statement it is clear he was being serious.

I shrug, wanting the help but not from him and not all alone. This is like my worse nightmare, being alone with someone I know I'd be completely defenseless against if they were to… but no that is delusional. Eric is a jerk, and very possibly a bad person, but not _that._ "You don't have to do that."  
"I offered, besides don't you want to learn how to not nearly faint after every fight?"

I shift uncomfortably, suddenly beginning to overthrow my paranoia; it would be a good opportunity. Don't I want to get better? I want to be strong and Eric, for some strange reason, is willing to help me.

"What, are you scared of me?" The question is rhetorical, of course I am scared and he knows it- he seems to love it. It is exactly what he wants from us, to fear him. Four has respect and Eric has fear. But in Eric's eyes lays the real intentions of his words, almost like a challenge, a _dare._

He was thoughtful, I realize, smart and an expert with manipulation. Maybe he was Erudite born, it is hard to think of Eric being anything but Dauntless but something about him held that Erudite intellect.

If he was challenging me, I was going to accept it. "I could use the help." I'm careful to not answer the question about fear, no answer could be correct for that one.

I act with caution but try not to reveal my fear. As I walk up beside him he takes a step back from the punching bag. "Show me your punch."

Preparing myself like I've practiced, I imitate the way I gave in my entire body like I did with the punch that broke Cleo's nose. It hits the bag with a large _smack._ I vaguely remember the first time I tried hitting the punching bag and how Eric found it so pitiful. ' _Am I so horrendous now?_ ' I think smugly to myself.  
"You're improving, you're a fast learner." Eric says watching me with calculating eyes. "What kind of student were you in school?"

"A bad one." I say honestly, my mind was always too distracted or off in the clouds for paying attention to things I didn't care about, though when I did like I subject is when I could really get into it. "Why?" I dare to ask.

"What Faction did the test place you in? Dauntless?"

I blink, suspicious about the questions. What was he trying to get out of me? "I believe we aren't supposed to discuss the Test."  
"Of course." Eric's voice is laced with a fake sense of content before he falls back to his earlier state. "About your form- you are improving with your strength, but you're still sloppy. Try again, but focus on form not power."

I nod, silent, and do as I'm told. The difference is clear; though I find it harder to exert the power I did before.

"Now just combine the force with the form." He is too close, I can see the features of his face, and the way the light hits his light blue eyes... Why are the best looking always the worst of people?

My second attempt after the critique on my form is stronger, I can feel the impact is solid- my hand stings from the impact but I'll accept the pain if it means improvement. "Something like that." It is the best compliment I'll get from Eric.

"I was hoping actually to practice my knife throwing." I say stepping back from the punching bag, desperate for space to slow the racing of my heart. Why did I agree to this? This was an awful idea. It seemed like my resistance to my fear of Eric only lasted so long before my scared and frightened self was left to deal with the consequences.

"I'm not going to stop you, you are on your own time." Eric says, drifting to the side as I head to the knife throwing range. I find him trailing behind me.

Glancing at Eric, I see him standing off to the side with his arms folded watching me. He is waiting, even without a close proximity my heart races. I bite my lip as I pick up a selection of throwing knives. Concentrating on the shaping of my body and my grip on the knife's handle, I send it flying. It lodges next to the target, but not hitting it.

Frustrated and embarrassed by the display I wonder if Eric can take away points out of training time. "Do you know what a mirror is?"

"What?" I ask confused, looking to Eric but he seems to be waiting, I shake my head quickly and try to not make myself into a fool. "I mean, of course."  
"Well look in one, did you even watch Four for the correct form?"  
' _It's always the form…'_ If having a weakness was bad enough, it was worse to have it show up across the board of skills.

Eric approaches me, standing beside me at proximity so that our shoulders touch. I fight the urge to step back and watch as he hands me a knife. I try again to position myself, really thinking about how Four looked, but I know I'm off. A hand suddenly reaches out and moves my arms into the correct position. The area where our flesh meets burns.

Then it's like a replay of Eric's positioning behind me at firearm practice as he comes from behind my to fix my form, lingering there. My legs feel ready to buckle and my head is in the clouds. But now we are alone and the churning feeling in my stomach is impossible to ignore. I'm paralyzed, my body squirming uncomfortably and tensing up at his presence so close to me, our bodies meeting together. Does he hear my rapid heartbeat? Can he sense my fear? He's so warm, his heat radiating onto my body. I'm frozen, not even able to make an attempt to throw the blade tightly grasped in my whitened knuckles.

Suddenly Eric is chuckling, the sound vibrating in my ear. "I thought you were an Amity, not a stiff." It is all I can take; I don't even care about practicing anymore. Slipping desperately from his grasp, I'm fumbling over excuses to leave. Hoping one of the things I say is enough; I quickly make my exit. Unsure how to process my state, I realize his scent has lingered on my frame and wish to rid myself of it as soon as possible. What if someone were to notice?

It is while I'm leaving that I hear footsteps, quickly hiding behind the open door into the darkened space behind it, I watch as Cleo enters with a determined nature to her strut, her eyes darting around the room until they fall onto something. I imagine that something is Eric; it is the only thing she could have found in here.

I take advantage of the darkness around me and slip out of my hiding spot to position myself in a more hidden location with a view of the two. My curiosity is going to get me one of these days. Last time I spied on Cleo it ended bad; and if this is the third occurrence of me lurking in her life what does that say about me?

"Why are you ignoring me?" I stretch my neck to get a better view of Cleo and Eric.

"What the hell does that mean?" I hear Eric near growl, the anger not so unfamiliar but somehow surprising to hear considering the relationship I assumed the two had.

"It means, you're ignoring me and I don't understand why. Whatever I did I'm sorry but it's no reason to be childish." Cleo had more guts than I thought; I couldn't ever imagine being so confidently angry with someone like Eric. I'd be afraid he'd throw me into the chasm.

"You are out of your mind, just because you force yourself onto me doesn't mean I feel anything for you, let alone like you as a person. Run back to your little friends, I don't like you and never will." The words are cold; they pierce the air and leave silence that affects even me. I wasn't even the one spoken to and it feels as if I was. I almost sympathize Cleo.

But then something in me really doesn't feel bad. Some part of me almost feels glad to hear her get a much needed reality check, cruel as it was. It is a strange tingling, like a little voice egging the whole scene on.

My fascination breaks as Cleo turns to rush out of the room, I move quickly on the balls of my feet to hide in the corner behind the opened door once more. I squeeze my fists in anticipation as I watch Cleo leave, her state of mind too hysterical to notice my hidden figure.

Maybe this is wrong, like some kind of obsession. Wishing to see Cleo fail or track her every action as if somewhere I could find something to hate or ridicule to increase my self worth. It has to be why I feel the things I do… the only other reason is an idea I don't want to think about. The idea that this interest isn't fueled from Cleo but Eric, it almost feels dirty to even consider. But then my mind thinks back to our proximity not to long ago and his scent still lingering in the air around me.

"I know you're still there." The voice isn't hostile and it isn't friendly, it is confident; Eric isn't taking a guess.

I step out from my hiding with an unsure posture before quickly try to stand up tall. Eric is like some sort of creature that could sense fear; I'm not about to let my weakness be seen. Not after my earlier displays of running away.

"So what do you think?" Eric asks as he folds his arms and leans onto the doorframe. It is like I hadn't run out on him shortly before. My eyes dart around the room to avoid him as I shrug.

"It isn't any of my business." I say as I force my eyes onto his.

He scoffs as he takes a step closer. "But you still listened in?" I consider my options of responses and opt for staying silent instead, waiting for him to say more or release me from this conversation. "I hate that." He says.

"I'm sorry." I utter quickly, not even sure if it was something I had done to earn his hatred.

"See? You're so scared of me, why? I haven't done anything to you. Did I kill your mother? Did I stomp on your flower patch as a kid?" Eric takes another step closer.

"I thought that's what you wanted- us to fear you." I say ignoring the jab at my Amity upbringings. Not so long ago he had egged me, he seemed to love the fear I so obviously felt.

"But fear isn't respect, right?" He's close now and I wonder if this is some sick game, does he know what happened to me? He has to know about the incident. That is why he is doing this, because it might just be the best way to scare me.

"It matters who you ask." Today I had thought the same thing to myself, the difference between fear and respect. Here I am discussing it with Eric himself.

"Of course." He says slowly, unfolding his arms. "Isn't it funny that I have an entire Faction of the fearless, fearing me?" I couldn't even begin a place to start a response, how could I ever respond to that? His ironic statement almost made me want to laugh if I wasn't so shocked. "Stop looking at me like that, like I've hurt you."

I step back instinctively and try to shift my face; not even realizing my face had harbored those emotions.

"You looked at me once, without that fear." Eric takes a step, making up for my step back.

"I guess I got smart." I say quiet enough so that only someone close could hear, unfortunately- we are. Was he referring to that one day at training? When I dared to stare back? "Dare I ask; why does it matter what I think of you?" His face quickly changes from the usual emotionless to something I first mistake for anger but then see as something undistinguishable.

"You're smart, figure it out."

I watch him and wait. What is there to figure out? My mind scans over all of the things he has said to me, all the conversations we've shared. I find one thing in common- the occurrence of these conversations all together. I wasn't perfect but I was quiet enough and hardly one of the troublemakers or nosey Candor to earn his attentions but yet so often I find us conversing.

 _You're smart._ Am I? Why did it matter, in the Faction of warriors intelligence was merely battle strategy. Then again this is beginning to resemble the feeling of a war.

"Go to bed Cal." Eric says amidst my calculating.

I give him a strange look and curt nod before turning around to walk as fast as I can without running down the hall. Not daring to look back at Eric as I leave, despite the strong urge to search his features and expression once more.

 _Figure it out._

Suddenly things are interesting, as if I have been looking at a random pieces all along and all of a sudden they aren't just random- they were pieces to a puzzle. A problem with a solution, all set out for me by Eric, Eric out of all people.

But why?

I intend to find out.

-o-

A/N- I know it has been a while, and that saddens me considering my earlier consistency. But I had been a little defeated with an examination at the enormous amounts of Eric/OC stories and wondered what made mine different. I searched for ways and finally think I've found one, or two. I can't share the second but I reminded myself of the dark nature I want for this story and hope that dark nature can help individualize this story.

I also saw how many follows and favorites this story has gained, which no isn't a ton or anything but I'm proud because I assumed it would be like two or three, so I'll admit it is an encouragement. Even the mere eleven reviews this story has gotten is a real encouragement, so thanks to everyone who has.


	10. Chapter 10 Field Trip

_Vorfreude- (n.) the joyful, intense_ _anticipation that comes from imagining future pleasures._

Chapter Ten: Field Trip

"You have ten minutes to get to the trains before we leave without you!" The order shatters the peace of the dark room, I move slowly with a sore body as I find myself crashing onto the cold concrete next to my bed.

Groaning as I sit up, I notice a light in my eye and follow the source to an amused looking Eric, who obviously noticed my gracefully waking. I sigh in disappointment of myself as I stand up and help stir Willow. I add the expression on Eric's face to my list of clues to this mystery he has sent me on.

"What's going on?" Willow asks as I wait to see Eric leave before getting changed for the day.

I shrug, "No clue. But we have to get to the trains in ten minutes. That's if the train doesn't come early." I shudder at the thought of being left behind and quicken my pace. Not bothering to braid my hair, I pull it into a high pony before tying my shoes and waiting for Willa to finish getting ready.

We are with the first to leave but I still feel anxious on our rushed journey to the roof to get to the trains. When we arrive it isn't just the usual Initiates I'm used to, but faces of the Dauntless born join us as well, most of them foreign.

"Do you see that real good looking one, the one Kayla is already talking to?" Jayce whispers to the two of us. I follow his line of vision to a tall and handsome, dark haired Dauntless born. He wears a stunning smile as he speaks to Kayla. She seems to be in heaven. This is why she came to Dauntless after all. Devilishly handsome men with tattoos.

"Yeah?" I say watching the two's exchange.

"Stay away from him." Jayce says with a level of caution behind his voice, a strange emotion to hear him wear.

Willa frowns before speaking. "He seems nice."  
"All sociopaths are good with charm, how else would they find victims?" Jayce's words are slightly joking but hold a certain darkness to them that strikes a cord in my heart.

"What's his name?"  
"Ethan."  
"Is he any good?"

"Probably number one." We stay silent and I wonder why Jayce is informing us of all this, he hasn't spoken to me since that night on the roof. Yet here he is with a dark look to his pale features. "Karlus and Lamarck are the other two to look out for. Luckily Lamarck is as dumb as dirt and drinks himself stupid, but Karlus is a little bit more calculating. Gets into a lot of trouble with Eric." I give an amused chuckle at the idea of someone daring to challenge Eric.

Jayce points out two more, Karlus' structures features and pitch-black hair make him stand out, along with the lukewarm expression he wears. Lamarck is a big guy, probably the biggest of the Initiates, real buff and tan. How can a Dauntless even become tan with so little light? His tattoos aren't as numerous as Karlus or even Ethan's but he doesn't need them to intimidate; and he knows it from the way he holds himself.

"How did you find this all out?" Willa asks.

Jayce shrugs. "Part of the night scene girls, try getting out of training once and a while and you'll see." Despite the slight insulting edge it doesn't come across as such. Instead I laugh to myself as Jayce leaves.

"He's a strange one." I say once he's gone. He comes with information and then just goes, no reason to give us the knowledge and holds us to no expectations for the helpfulness.

"He's nice." Willa says with a bright smile.

From the edge of the roof I hear Four call out. "Train's coming!"

We all crowd to the edge of the roof, everyone at a distance to get a running start. My heart races in anticipation and excitement, I've change quite a bit since my last time train jumping. As the metal compartments come into sight we begin running, I find myself one of the first and latch onto the handle to open it for others before climbing in myself.

Laughing in joy, I see the group crowding into one compartment with Eric, Four, and the Dauntless born Instructor Lauren.

"Today we are taking a field trip!" Four shouts out to the group. "We are going to the Fence, where the majority of you who cuts will end up. So I hope you find yourselves taking to it."

As I realize where we are going, I also realize what I'll be seeing for the first time in what seems like forever. Amity. I can already see the fields in the distance. A strange sentimental feeling tears at my heart. It seems like so long ago that I stood looking out onto the sunny fields and said goodbye to my mother and former home.

That girl feels like just a ghost of who I am now. I'm stronger, my mind isn't so transparent and for the first time I feel present in my own life.

I feel brave now.

For the rest of the trip everyone talks his or her own groups. Willa and I stay in silence as we both look out to the city. I can see her carefully watching the Abnegation Compound when it comes into view.

Most of the time I take an opportunity to enjoy the sunlight on my skin, one of the things I've messed most about my old life. The darkness of the Dauntless Compound has a certain edge I enjoy but can never compare to the brightness of being under the sun and its radiating warmth.

We pass by a group of Amity women caring supplies and I can't seem to take my eyes off them. I use to be them.

"Realizing what a mistake you made, Amity?" Douglas says from beside me. I look up to glare at him, unafraid of what he'll do. I'm safe here. I know now I can beat him. I did it once and I'll do it again. It is just Harvey that I'm truly wary about.

"What? I see in your eyes how much you miss it, black just doesn't look good on you sunflower." Douglas responds getting close to my face. His attempt at intimidation doesn't do much for me, I've stared into a _real_ threat's eyes before and Douglas' glare doesn't even compare.

I crunch up my face and pretend as if I'm going to bite at him, snapping my mouth close to his nose. It succeeds in catching him by surprise as he stumbles back, knocking into a Dauntless born girl in the process. I smirk and step away from him, turning my back away from him. With my new position I get a look of Eric staring in our direction. Quickly glancing back out to the Amity fields I'm once again reminded of our puzzle.

 _Stop looking at me like that, like I've hurt you._

 _What do you think?_

Whether or not he really cares, he has at least pretended to care about what I think. He's talked to me at times he should've just ignored me, talking to me at that party and even giving me help after training hours.

 _I like the braids._

He complimented me, noticed my piercing and tattoo.

I'm still piecing things together when it is time to jump, but it seems as if all I've accomplished is to pick out the puzzle pieces themselves. Now just to assemble them together…

Following behind Willa, I jump and tumble out the train. Rolling onto the grass hills I fight the urge to giggle or show too much enjoyment. It does feel good to be in grass once more.

"I haven't seen you smile like that in forever." I hear from beside me. Glancing at Willa's she extends her hand to me. I take it and she pulls me to my feet. I leave the grass behind reluctantly.

Frowning, I mull over her words for a moment. "What do you mean?"

"Training has been rough Cal, on all of us. I just remember that smile you had on your face that day at the Choosing Ceremony. You just pulled me in, you helped me get here, I don't know if I'd be here without you." Willa says and I give a small smile but don't feel quite content with her explanation. Despite knowing she meant not harm by the comment.

"But I've been happy since then."

"No of course! Just like right now I could see that your smile looked different than usual, like that day. You have become hard Cal and I don't judge you for it because I know you've had to but it is something to keep in mind." Willa says as we walk towards the back of the crowd.

"I wish you weren't right." I say quietly to Willa as we catch up to hear what Four is saying.

Some part of me has been aware of these changes in myself, but I've still felt happier with my time in Dauntless then I've ever been in Amity. Yet still at moments like these, jumping off trains into the grass or running with the Dauntless are when I feel truly alive. No stress of the competition.

But I'll sacrifice that for now, for the time I have to spend fighting for my place in Dauntless- to keep this lifestyle.

"Often you'll have to help Amity with various jobs, helping unload trucks and other physical tasks. But for the most part you will be watching the Fence. Making sure there are no ruptures in the Fence or disturbances." Four says as we walk through a field of knee high grass in the direction of the fence. I see Amity in the distance but try to not have my sight linger on them. It would look bad.

"Isn't this cool?" I hear a cheery voice come up from behind Willa and I as an arm weighs down on my shoulder. Grinning, Connie joins us walking. "I don't think I'd mind working here."

"I think I could work anywhere in Dauntless and be happy." Willa says in a singsong voice as she stares in joy at the Fence.

"Agreed." I say, the stress of training still hanging over us even on our "fieldtrip".

Once we reach the Fence, one by one we start climbing up the ladder to reach the highest level of the Fence. I go after Connie and before Willa, staying close to each as we make small talk to distract from the tedious climb.

"Isn't this fun?" Connie jokes as we pass the first level.

"Fun." I say rolling my eyes. Looking down to the ground, I see Eric beginning up the ladder after saying something to Four. It doesn't seem like anything until I see Four's face crinkle up as he moves towards the ladder unsure. What's wrong with him?  
"Cal?" Willa says from below me.

I quickly begin moving. "Sorry!" I say as I catch up to Connie.

"Whatever happened to you last night, you seemed so out of it." Connie asks.

Do I tell them about what happened? I haven't really mentioned much to anything about Eric and definitely not the strange conversations we've share. But they're my friends, the closest friends I've ever had. They deserve the truth, maybe not every detail- especial the foreign feelings that resulted, but they can at least hear what happened, right?  
"It was weird…" I say trying to figure out how to explain it. We pass the second level, two more to go and then the final level. "I was getting in some extra training, I wanted to practice my knife throwing. And Eric was there." I say the last part quietly, hoping that the distance between the others and us is enough to have our conversation privately.

"And?" Connie asks, I can tell I got her attention.

"He offered to help me, and he did but it got weird and I left. But that's when Cleo came in. She didn't see me and I was curious, so I listened in." Saying it out loud sounds so sleazy, I had been listening in to something so private. "She started accusing Eric of ignoring her as if they were in some relationship but he just completely rejected her. She rushed out and didn't see me so I thought I was in the clear but he saw me and made me come out." I leave out the fact that Cleo had kissed Eric, almost as if I'm trying to spare the girl's embarrassment.

"What he did he say? Was he mad?" Connie asks, stopping on the ladder to look down at me. I nudge her leg and she keeps moving with a sigh.

We pass the fourth level as I speak. "Not really, he was just weird. He said some weird things and told me to go to bed. He asked me what I thought." I don't want to mention his puzzle presented to me, it felt too private.

"That's… unusual." Willa says quietly.

It felt insane to say all of it aloud, it sounded like some strange dream rather than a truth. But that didn't even include half of it. I wonder what they say if they knew everything.

"Sounds like he likes you." Connie says with a loud laugh and I groan smacking at the bottom of her foot, earning me an ouch and almost kick to the head.

"Watch it!" I say as I avoid the flying foot. "Besides that's not even funny to joke about."

Connie and Willa giggle at my annoyance and I roll my eyes, deciding to just be glad we have made it to the top. Climbing onto the fifth level, I'm awe struck by the sight in front of me.

I've grown up looking outside the Fence; mostly in stolen glances that were often met with scorn if carried on too long, and occasionally Amity fields would even expand past the Fence. Not that I ever had the fortune to work on those fields.

But up here is a different world. The horizon seems endless, a thin line against the blue sky. The marshes and fields radiated under the burning sun, it was stunning. "I wouldn't mind seeing this every day." I say mindlessly as I think of a life spending my days up here. It isn't just something I could see myself doing; it was something I yearn for.

"That's if you make cuts." Douglas says from behind me, I turn to scowl at him but am quickly caught off guard.

"Or if you even make it to cuts." Harvey adds before both of them shove Willa and I back towards the edge of the platform. I manage to catch myself and grab at Willa. I wasn't about to take the chance I wouldn't go flying off the railing.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Jayce says angrily as he and Connie come to our rescue. Stepping back onto my feet I can feel my thought process dwindling as an intense rage takes over.

"That wasn't funny we could've be thrown off!" I yell.

"But you weren't." Douglas says getting close to my face.

"Do you really want to get beat again?" I say through clenched teeth, matching his intensity.

Douglas smirks. "Against both of us?" I glance towards Harvey, the bigger of the two- the smarter of the two. Also one of the best transfer Initiates.

"Only a coward would support a number advantage in a fight."

"The numbers wouldn't be his favor, because if you fight her- then you fight us." Connie says with Willa and Jayce behind her. I'm unsure at what point Jayce became a friend but I'm glad for his friendship now more than ever.

Turning back to Douglas and Harvey I can see they have made a step back. Jayce has beaten Harvey before, and Connie has beaten Douglas. Willa might not be the strongest fighter but with all four of us against the two they wouldn't even stand a chance. A grin spreads across my face the unease with their threat suddenly feels like a simple speck rather than weight on my chest.

"What the hell is going on?" Eric's voice calls out across the platform as he stands next to the ladder. Taking another step back from Douglas and Harvey, I wait for someone else to speak.

"Nothing, just a friendly conversation." Douglas says with that stupid smirk of his. He must practice in the mirror all the best ways to look like a complete tool.

Sighing, I know better than to disagree. No matter who was wrong or right, Eric would just punish all of us. And I don't want to see what he's like angry this far up in the sky. "Would you agree with that?" Eric asks turning to the group of us facing Douglas and Harvey. We all nod quickly.

"Yes, we would." Connie speaks.

As Four finally makes his way onto the level, the tour continues as if the disruption never happened. Though I make a conscious effort to stay in the middle of the platform, not daring to be caught off guard again. Death by falling isn't my ideal way to go.

The majority of time I spend scanning over the fields and Fence, taking in information for myself. I knew most of what is said from living around the Fence for so long. When it is finally time to scale back down the ladder, I remember what is worse than scaling up a ladder. It's going down one.

Lingering around on the platform I try to remind myself of the day I leaped off that roof into Dauntless, how amazing it felt. But there is no landing under us now, just the hard ground. Just one slip up and that could be it.

"Cal?" Willa's small voice comes from beside me with her doe eyes as she looks up in concern. Her cold hand holds onto my arm.

I stay put for a moment longer before forcing myself to move. "Sorry I was just thinking. You go ahead."

"About what?" She says as she starts down the ladder. Going after her I take a look down at the world below us and immediately regret it. _'So far up…'_

Suddenly a see a shadow cast over me and a weight push into my back, ever so gently to not through me down the ladder but rough enough to make my blood go cold. A hand presses onto my back as a cold whisper reaches my ear.

"Today, Amity." I don't have to turn around to see whom it is, and I don't feel like giving into what Eric is trying. To faze me.

Carrying on as if it hadn't happened, I quickly steal a glance at the platform and realize the only one left is a distracted Four talking to a Dauntless born with glasses. Good, no one saw.

 _'That's why he did it'_ a voice in the back of my head tells me.

"Cal?" Willa asks and I remember her question.

"The future." I say before I can consider it. It wasn't a complete lie, being up here and seeing my future if I were to make it through Initiation has had me swarmed with thoughts of what is to come after Initiation.

"Can you see me here?"

Willa's question catches me off guard and a realistic part of me grows pained. "Yes, I can. " I say, truthfully. But whether or not she will be…

I want to think that Willa will make it, and a large part of me thinks it possible. She is talented with guns and knives, but her fighting is weak and she is just so small… But she has won two fights before, to weak opponents but those were still wins. She could make it. We both could make it, to think, that would be the best-case scenario.

"Do you think I will make it?"  
"I don't know Willa, I don't know about either of us. We just have to keep trying our hardest and pray for the best."

We fall into a comfortable silence as I look above me to see the last Initiate, who had remained after me, catching up. I might be dealing with the stress of the descent but I'm definitely not doing it fast. The pressure to not slow down the group weighs down on my as I try to speed up my movements.

We pass the third level, almost there. If I were to fall now, maybe I could even survive the fall? No I won't even think like that.

"Hurry up down there!" I look up to see the Dauntless born above me, officially caught up.

"What's the rush?" I say back, uncomfortable with being called out.

I expect anger but only get a laugh back in response. "What's your name?" The boy catches me off guard by his question, I had yet to speak to any of the Dauntless born and I didn't recognize him as any of those pointed out by Jayce.

"Cal." I say.

"Tyler." He says back and looks down at me with a crooked grin, glasses sitting of the bridge of his nose and chestnut curls framing his face.

"Nice to meet you Tyler." I shout over a sudden gush of wind.

"Now tell me, honestly, Cal- are you afraid of heights?"

I chuckle and feel a heavy weight leave me as we pass the second level. "Of course not, this is Dauntless! We are fearless!" He laughs in response to my comment. "But really, I'm not. I don't even mind going up ladders, just down them."  
"How specific."

Finally finding the ground underneath my feet, I let out a relieved sigh as I stretch out my back and step out of the way for Tyler. He looks in my direction with the same grin before his eyes fall onto Willa standing next to me. "And you are?" He asks.

"Willa." She says with her usual bubbliness.

The two introduce themselves and begin small talk as we wait for the rest to gather at the bottom of the fence. On the move once more, we begin heading back to the train tracks. Passing by a large group of Amity harvesting the fields beside us, I search the faces momentarily to seek out any familiar ones. It is then that the screech penetrates the small chatter.

We all pause to look over at a man on the ground, holding his bleeding leg up to his chest. Suddenly a slender figure rushes out to the man with the typical first aid pack. My heart recognizes the figure before my mind, a strong pain shooting in my chest.

 _'Mom?'_

I try to not stare but can't help it, luckily the rest of the Initiates seem to stare as well, just for different reasons. Watching my mother look around, desperate for help, as she attempts to pick up the man, her eyes suddenly land on the crowd of Dauntless and then mine. I try to search her expression as she stares at me but from the distance I can't tell the difference between joy and pure shock.

Last time I saw my mother I had been dressed in the typical Amity attire, now my hair is pulled back into a tight pony tail and dressed in black so typical of a world that my mother has yet to see me in.

"Cal and Tyler go help her!" Eric shouts and I look at him momentarily in shock, could he know? No if he knew he wouldn't ever allow me to go help her, but I wasn't exactly hiding my emotions as of the moment. "Come on, help the woman!" He repeats with a stronger edge of agitation in his tone. Tyler tugs on my arm and I'm suddenly running. My heart pumps adrenaline and I fight this desperate urge to hug my mother as soon as I get close.

"Calla?" My mother says as she sees us approach.

We stare at each other and I can feel the world go silent, I stare unable to speak and instead watch her stunning features search over my body.

Tyler clears his throat and speaks. "We can help you, um, carry him." He says and I nod in agreement realizing this is just another trial. I have to be smart.

My mother and I pick up the feet of the moaning man as Tyler holds up his head. We begin walking to the closest truck as my mother whispers in my ear. "I know you can't show you know me, it would look bad. But I want you to know you look stunning." My eyes flutter to my mother in the tiniest of an instance to see her looking down at me with such love and pride. It wouldn't be suspicious; anyone would just chalk it up to the typical lovey-dovey Amity.

But I can bear to hear her say that. A selfish part of me indulges in the comment but the other is left guilty. How could she say that about the daughter who betrayed her? I defected, left her behind. I was the last of her family. How could she be so forgiving?

"Thank you." I whisper as we lift the man into the back seat of the truck to lie out. My mother gives him quick instructions before stopping me. I glance around paranoid but realize that the truck blocks us from the others.

"I love you." She says with desperate eyes, they search mine as if she is looking for injury. She pulls me quickly into an embrace.

"I love you too." I say back before squirming from her grasp and joining back with Tyler to walk back over to the others, my heart feeling emptier than before.

"That was your mother, wasn't it?" Tyler asks as we walk back.

I look up at him not in shock, but desperation. I wasn't foolish enough to think I would've tricked the boy when he was right there, but I need him to not tell. "Please don't tell anyone."  
"I won't, but it wouldn't matter. You didn't do anything wrong, you didn't run up to her or anything you just listened to directions, Calla." Tyler lets a little mischievous smile out as he says my full name.

I smack his arm as we run to catch up with the others who have continued onto the train tracks. "Shut it." I tell him.

"Don't worry, Tyler isn't my full name either."

I look up at him in curiosity. "Really?"  
"Nah, I'm just kidding." He says with a chuckle. I laugh and roll my eyes. Tyler was nice and I can tell from the description he gives of the train system that he is smart as well. I wonder if he got Dauntless on his aptitude test, sure he seemed brave but he had a certain intellect to him for sure.

Running to catch the approaching train, I join besides Willa as I leap for the moving metal machine. She gives a friendly hello as I join her. Willa and Tyler speak for the trip back as I stare around the train and outside in silence. I say goodbye to the fields and soak in the sun before I'll have to return to the darkness of the Dauntless Compound.

I also watch as Cleo touches the shoulder of the Dauntless born she talks to, Lamarck. It was the boy Jayce had mentioned as being a strong idiot. Looks like she has moved onto a new target. But then I notice her glances, following the direction I notice Eric's unmoving figure. Is she really trying to make him jealous? I roll my eyes and laugh over the idea. After what I had seen last night her efforts are pointless.

The smile left over from my laughter unnerves me as I am reminded of my shameful joy over her rejection. The two options of reasoning to this obsession are presented once more before I shove them out from my thoughts. If I can't refuse to believe either, I'll have to simply ignore them both.

I glance back up to Eric, wondering if he has noticed Cleo's attempts to make him jealous. But he isn't looking at her; he's staring at me. My stomach flutters as I try to dissect what I see, to see something behind those cold blue eyes. But I just can't. Not that I'd expect Eric to be shy or embarrassed by being caught, but I didn't expect him to continue meeting my eyes as I return the stare. I decide to not give in either, glued into his stare.

He cocks his head slightly to the side, a small devious look curling up the corners of his lips. His brows furrow together in curiosity.

Wondering how much longer I can go on with this and considering what is wrong with me, I hear the train doors opening and people begin to jump. Finally looking away, I take my place to jump- glancing just once more at Eric, only to find him already gone.

* * *

A/N- This chapter was supposed to include the entire day, including when she gets back to the Dauntless Compound but it just got way too long so that means the next chapter should be posted quickly.


	11. Chapter 11: What Lies Beyond

_"Man's nature is not essentially evil. Brute nature has been known to yield to the influence of love. You must never despair of human nature." –Mahatma Gandhi_

Chapter Eleven: What Lies Beyond

Dinner is crowded.

Or at least, Willa and I's dinner was busy. It doesn't seem too long ago it had been just Willa and I on our own. Now Connie sits on Lucas' lap talking and laughing with Tyler while Samuel and Jayce engage in a heated discussion next to me. I don't know what but their passion to out smart each other was charmingly amusing.

It was a larger crowd than I'm accustomed to. But the foreign feeling of friends surrounding me feels more uplifting than it does constricting like it usually does.

Though I smile and nod here and there, mindlessly in their conversations, my mind has drifted onto the various topics that have become my obsessions lately; Eric and his puzzle, Cleo and her goons, my mother, and if I will make it through Initiation.

It isn't good to dwell so much on these things and I know I should focus in on my relationship with my friends; but I just can't. As I bite into my burger I scan the cafeteria. Cleo sits with her arm wrapped around Lamarck. Seems she really has moved on. Lucky her.

In the corner of the cafeteria is where I truly find my attention drawn. Four stands next to Tris in what seems like an argument forced to a quiet whisper. I can see Four reach out towards Tris only for her to shake her head in disappointment. Four nods knowingly before Tris looks up at him with a sad look and says something more before walking away. It looks like an average couple fighting, but my curiosity has me thinking differently. Watching Tris as she walks out of the cafeteria, I have a strong urge to follow.

I get up, taking my half eaten food with me. "Where are you going?" Connie asks, interrupting her conversation with Tyler.

"I just have something to do, real quick." I say and turn back to look for Tris, afraid I lost her already.

"Want me to come?" Willa asks.

I shake my head, how could I ever give this an explanation? 'Sorry I feel like sleuthing lately?' "No it is fine, it will be quick." I say and leave before they can ask anything more.

Exiting the cafeteria and searching around the Pit for Tris, I see her in the tattoo parlor. I try to seem as inconspicuous as possible as I drift over. Entering, I see Tris quickly look over at me before her and the tattoo woman leave to go into one of the separate rooms, shutting the door firmly behind them. What were they talking about that could be so private? I wasn't even aware Tris was close to the tattoo woman, Tori I believe.

Pretending to look at the different plaques of tattoos, I keep a close watch on the room from my peripheral. As soon as the door opens once more and they exchange goodbyes I can't help but turn around to look at them before quickly turning back to the different designs. Detective work isn't for me.

"Thinking of getting a tattoo?" A sweet sounding voice says behind me, I jump around to see Tris standing behind me with a warm smile that I quickly return. She was a pretty girl, blonde hair and small but toned frame. I can see what Four saw in her. She is a beauty, and apparently really friendly as well. A slight guilt from following her bites away at the bottom of my chest.

"I was looking, I have a small one- behind my ear." I say and move my hair aside to show her. She nods and smiles.

"It's nice, Cal right?" I nod; surprised to hear she knew my name. Apparently it shows on my face as well. "Sorry, I know just about all the transfers from Four, I'm Tris." She says with a slanted smile.

I nod in response, wary of her outgoingness with me. Had she known I was attempting to listen in to her conversation? Or had she seen me staring in the cafeteria?  
"Walk with me, Cal." She says suddenly and I nod and follow her out of the parlor, positive now that she knows. "Cal is short for something right?" I look at Tris in confusion. "Don't worry, your secret is safe with me, I'm guilty of shortening my name as well. What's the point in changing lives if you keep the old name, right?" She says as I follow her down an unfamiliar path off of the Pit.

"Why are you being so friendly?" I say quickly before I can regret it.

Tris sighs. "You're a very curious girl, and hardworking I hear too. I guess people like us always have to work a little hard to prove ourselves, but trust me once you get in things become much easier. People soon forget that you're the 'Abnegation girl' or in your case the 'Amity girl'. Same goes for your friend as well, I picture her excelling in the second stage."

"You're being nice because I'm from Amity?" It was better than the alternative of her realizing my intentions.

"You make it sound bad." Tris says and I gave a nervous laugh and shrug.

"Sorry, lately I've just been saying the first thing I think of." And doing the first thing that comes to mind as well. "I know what you mean and it is very kind of you."  
"Well I'll admit that isn't the only reason."  
I stop walking to look up at her. "Then why?"

Tris sighs, looking around before glancing up at the cameras. "Have you been by the Chasm?"

"Huh?" I ask before realizing that she could be trying to tell me something that shouldn't be heard by others, the rushing of water enough of a cover for unwanted ears. "Oh, I haven't been in a while."  
"Come on I'll show you." Tris says before directing down a narrow staircase. The winding path seems endless until I hear the faint echo of crashing water so become the overpowering noise I remember from my previous visit, all the way back on my first day here. I shiver at the memory and flinch at the sickening feeling the place gave me. Now I find myself apathetic to the place's dark history.

"So, you were saying why…?" I ask turning around to face Tris, keeping close so that we can hear each other.

Her eyes dart around the room. "Cal, you are from Amity so I know public matters, especially the negative things, aren't exactly so public but you must see now- things are a little tense. Right?" I nod, there were articles all the time concerning if Abnegation should be in charge and other controversial topics.

"I'm aware."  
"So you know things aren't always as calm between Factions as the leaders would like to have us believing." Her body behavior seems unaffected, but her eyes silently speak to me in a way that no one but someone up close could notice, the only thing giving away our conversation as serious.

"What about it?"  
"What did you see at the Fence today?" Was she referring to my mother, could she possibly know? I fear the truth is shown across my face and quickly try to remain calm. Tyler was right;, I did absolutely nothing wrong. Just one exchange of love you, that's it. I am human after all.

"Fields?" I say shrugging.

"Just fields?"  
"Yes!" I say feeling confused at where the conversation was heading, this wasn't what I was expecting.

"You were watching us today, and not how everyone else was. You knew it wasn't just some fight between us. You followed me didn't you?" I stand frozen, considering if I could just escape now, or possibly jump into the Chasm. "I'm not mad, I just see something in you. You are smart, but Four said you got Dauntless on your Aptitude Test."  
"Yeah, I did. Being Dauntless doesn't make us stupid, right?" I ask, confused and trying to understand what my Aptitude Test had to do with anything. "Why does it matter?"

"Did you just get Dauntless?" She asks me with a caring and cautious look in her blue eyes that I just can't comprehend.

"Of course, it is impossible to get more than one result." What is going on here? I try to read her blue eyes, but maybe I'm just too accustomed to cold gray tinted ones to read her welcoming ones.

"Yeah, you're right." Tris says suddenly and I try to search for what caused the change, pinning it on my answer.

"Is it possible to get more than one?" Tris stares into the wall, her face crinkled in thought. "Tris?" Her eyes drift to the Chasm, almost with grief in them, before they flicker back to me.

"No, I was just thinking but I was wrong. You should probably get to bed. Tomorrow is going to be an early morning for you." Tris says quickly. "And if you get the chance to see the Fields again, which I imagine you will, take a second look at them. _Really_ look."

I approach her, placing my hand on her arm to stop her from leaving. "What's out there?"

"I don't know, but we believe there is something more out there than fields."

I look at her appalled. "Who would have anything at there."  
She gets close, closer than before; she wraps me in a hug that I don't understand until she whispers in my ear. "Erudite."

Wanting to ask more, I open my mouth but see in her eyes that I shouldn't. Instead I ask what had me standing to abandon dinner in the first place. "What were you talking about?"

"I told you, things are tense between the Factions. "  
"What about the tattoo woman, or Tori? Why couldn't you discuss it in the open?"

"It isn't best to let everyone in on political issues." Tris says.

I pull back and watch as she begins to leave. Why did a tattoo illustrator care about politics? "Why bother telling me anything at all?" She sighs before coming closer.  
Tris then stops and runs her fingers through her hair, pushing it behind her ear. "To tell you that you shouldn't be watching too closely. I'm not angry but some will take things the wrong way, if you see anything that seems suspicious again just ignore it. Pretend like you didn't notice it- focus on your friends and training. Have fun- don't worry about this."  
 _"Why?"_

"Just do it, Cal." She says with a dead serious lock to her features. "One transfer to another?" The corner of her mouth curls up in a small, half-hearted grin.

"Okay."

I put my hands into my pockets and walk towards the hallway, knowing I won't get anything else out of her. As I pass by, I feel her arm latch onto my wrist and stop me from leaving. She whispers, "And please, try to avoid people like Eric, he might seem bad but trust me that's just half of it."  
"He's my instructor it is kind of hard." Does she know about my strange conservations with Eric?

"Just try." I nod slowly and I see a strange sense of relief wash over her features as she lets me go. "Good luck, Cal, I hope you and your friend do well here. I really do."  
"Thank you." I say and quickly leave, my mind trying to process this new information. I had hoped for answers but it feels like I've just been left with more questions. Why bother warning me about Eric? Every Initiate knew of the threat he could pose.

 _'We believe there is something more out there than just fields.'_ Could it be possible that Erudite was hiding something from the other Factions? And how has it gone unnoticed by other Factions?

Unless it hasn't, but the only Faction leaders that would have to be in on it… Dauntless? If the Dauntless leaders knew then that would give the Erudite access to the Fence and the outside world. If what Tris suggested is true they would have to know, there is no other way Erudite could get outside. But what is out there they want? Or what could they be hiding? It felt wrong to consider.

Eric would know- he's a leader. He could've approved of it; let it all happen. A sudden guilt for the strange emotions surrounding him sets in. I need to clear my head. Get in some physical activity. It busies my mind; I need a busy mind so desperately.

Heading to the training room, I can hear the sound of movement bouncing off the corridor leading to the open door. I know who is in there. Some part of me wondered, but the rational part figured it just wouldn't add up. Why would he be here a second day? Doesn't he have a job?

Tris' warning stops me before I can enter the room. Maybe I should take heed of that advisory statement. If Erudite were doing something out there, that would make both Dauntless and Erudite traitors.

But I want to be in there, I don't want to turn around and leave. Something is keeping me here and egging me on- almost glad he has returned, a yearning in my chest.

Walking slowly into the training room I watch Eric as he stands at the knife range, a blade flies through the air and digs itself into the center of the target. "You're here again?" I say. My hands tightened in anxiety. I didn't want to just creep in undetected- that would just look like I'm stalking him.

A loud clink of metal as Eric drops the knife once held in his fist fills the silence. He turns around in irritation until he sees me and scoffs, chuckling to himself over some personal joke. I shift my weight, uncomfortable to be the subject of this private humor.

"And so are you."

"I've actually been coming in here for a while now." I say, trying to defend myself. That fear he'll think I'm following him or chasing after him returns in paranoia but I then worry it sounds like I'm bragging. I can't do anything right.

The moment of silence between responses is eerie. I notice the lack of lighting in the room, only half the lights turned on, the dust particles float in the spotlight. "I guess that explains why you suddenly got good."

Feeling confident, I respond with ease. "I also happened to get some good advice on how to end a fight."  
"What do you want, more help?" He asks, though I see him get a satisfied grin on his face from my comment.

I shake my head quickly but then pause, considering. "I just came to train, but if you're offering it."

"You never did practice your knife skills." He says with an amused sneer as I approach him with the caution one would a beast of prey. I flinch at the reminder of my racing heart when things got too close the previous evening.

"I realized I had something to do."

"Not too urgent though, right?" That knowing look, once so frightening is now so intriguing.

"I got curious."  
Our conversations have become a series of witty comments, something I didn't know I was capable of and something I hadn't ever thought of saying to the intimidating man before me.

"Wonder why." It feels more like a rhetorical question, said silently as if a bit of inner dialogue slipped out. I pretend to not hear. "If I help you, you have to promise to not be terrible. I don't give extra help to someone just for them to be a disappointment."

"I promise not to suck." I say, trying to remind myself whom I was with and to take it seriously. He was being serious. Picking up a knife, I turn it in my hand before getting into position. Eric's hands quickly find my shoulders and adjust, kicking my one foot out to widen my stance. But I notice a separation between our two bodies. Where he once had been pressed up against me there was at least six inches between us.

My nerves were glad for this, but the empty space almost felt cold. How did I go from being so fearful of being touched to feeling saddened by its absence? Once I'm positioned to his liking, Eric steps away and is off me completely. I tense up my muscles and aim.

The knife lands no more than ten inches from the very center of the target. I feel a personal satisfaction at this improvement, amazed at my improvement, but know it won't be good enough for my harsh critic.

"Now hit the center." His voice doesn't sound as cruel as it once did, more pressing as if he wants to see if I can hit that very center.

My hand snatches up another knife, a foot away from that pesky center, worse. I attempt to contain my nerves and pick up the third knife. Tensing my muscles and releasing it into the air, closest yet, but it isn't the center.

Unable to control my frustration, I groan and reach for the next blade but have a large hand stop me. "Cool down there flower child. Pointless irritation is only good if you know how to channel it, and from the looks of it, you don't. Focus." Eric says before his hand and the warmth it brought slips from my own.

I nod and slowly pick up the fourth blade. My mind wavers for a few moments as I center in my thoughts, lining up my aim for the center.

No more than three. I smirk in accomplishment. "Now the center." Eric says from beside me and I nod, picking up the fifth and last knife on the ledge in front of us.

Focus, focus in the irritation. Just use a bit, not too much…

And _smack!_ The metal lodges itself into the center of the target, no more than a centimeter or so off. A sense of victory pools in my stomach as I look to Eric. "Now do it again." He says before getting a new batch of knives.

I nod, and get started.

By the end of it, I knew it was getting late from the mere numb state my arms were in. This had to be going on long- it almost felt like it would be best to just shower and dress for the next day of training. As I put away the knives and return them to the places, I feel a watchful stare on me.

When I glance up to meet Eric's gaze, he doesn't look away. But his stare doesn't hold the usual intensity that I find so hard to escape. Of course there was still that constant underlying cruelty and harshness, but the surface was just blank. Thoughtful at best, like he was considering something so strongly it took all of his mental capacity. Did he even realize he has been staring at me?

"Thank you for the help." I say to fill the silence. Though I really am grateful, despite the intensity I'll leave here tonight immensely.

Eric doesn't respond to my thanks other the a small noise, his arms folded as he continues to stare me down, the weight of it heavy and the feeling as if someone had dipped me in flames. I continue to clean up.  
"I think I'm going to head back, go to bed." I tell him once I'm finished returning the room to how I found it.

"Did I ask?" The harshness isn't a rarity to hear on Eric's voice, especially when it comes to others, but why does it feel so shocking to hear now?

I nod in silence and try not to linger, leaving the room feeling a strange sense of confusion. I'm halfway through the first hallway with a clouded mind when a pair of hands grab onto my shoulders.

* * *

A/N- Thanks to everyone reading/favoriting/review/following and such! You guys rock :) This chapter was supposed to be out Friday but I had to take this medicine that made my head super foggy and no one should be editing with a foggy mind, that would not go well. And I know this chapter didn't have a lot of Eric but the next chapter definitely will.


	12. Chapter 12: Thrown

_"I looked everywhere for the enemy and failed to see it right in front of my face." -Steven Pressfield_

Chapter Twelve: Thrown

I spin around, tensed up, as I ready for the worse.

Douglas stands with a wide, nefarious grin stretching from ear to ear like some twisted cartoon. He steps back and holds up his hands in defense. My stomach curls in disgust at the thought of him touching me, even if it was just my shoulders.

"What do you want? Is Harvey waiting somewhere in the shadows to jump out at me?" I say through clenched teeth. Surveying the area, I try to find Harvey. The two are practically attached at the hip. Douglas is thunder, always matched with lightening whether you see it or not.

"He's not here, I just saw you walking all by yourself and decided to say hello." He says the last part with a theatrical frown as if he pities me.

I give him a nasty stare and sneer as I keep a watchful eye for Harvey, I don't trust Douglas' word. "What do you want?"

"I just said, I felt bad, seeing you all by yourself. Do you want me to walk with you?" The lie is obvious, meant to be so, and is laced with ill intention that I won't stick around for.

"Thanks for your sympathy." I say sarcastically. "But I rather never speak to another human again than walk with you. And this whole thing, you trying to mess with me, it isn't working."  
Douglas' face gets dark; less of that painfully forced cocky look and more real anger and frustration. The darkness isn't anything like Eric's which seems calculated and intelligent, he seems uncontrolled and on edge, about to possibly do something he will regret. "Maybe I just want a round two, I mean how can some scrawny Amity beat me? You cheated- I don't know how but you did." Douglas takes a slow step towards me, seemingly twitching in suppressed rage.  
"Fuck. You." I say before I catch the slightest flash of reflecting light from Douglas' pocket. Douglas has a knife, or something sharp and shiny. I see his fingers fist together before moving slowly to the piece of metal.

I start turning to leave. Trying to disguise my urgency, I walk quickly but don't run. It is only when I hear his heavy footsteps behind me turn into running that I begin sprinting.

I look over my shoulder to see his narrowed features twisted in determination, determined to catch up, the metal in his hand. It seems like he might catch me; Douglas is fast, but I'm faster.

Not caring which way I end up, I try to put as much distance between the two of us. As I turn around a corner, I glance over my shoulder to see how close he has gotten, and find myself colliding heavily into a wall.

Attempting to catch myself, I fall forwards, cursing my luck, and my hands grasp onto the wall of flesh. Eric looks at me with annoyed and semi-amused eyes, a black piece of fabric clenched in his fist and his other hand pressed onto the small of my back to keep me from tumbling over.

The position catches me off guard and I almost get lost in my head, until I remember my pursuer.

"What are you doing?" He asks in an accusing tone before he sees something down the hall I came. Moving to join his side, I see Douglas standing in shock and fear as he gapes at Eric's deadly gaze. "What the hell is going on, Initiates?"  
I frown intensely in Douglas' direction, not willing to let this go again like on the Fence and unwilling to outright whine to Eric.

"We were just-." Douglas says, the concern and effort to maintain himself entertaining. As I shift positions to cross my arms in satisfaction at the change of roles, I notice the pressure of a hand left on my back. The feeling is foreign and while once seemed intimidating it now feels comforting and exciting, even if it is just left there by lack of thought.

 _'Since when does Eric do things out of his control?'_ The thought leaves a question hanging in my thoughts I simply can't answer.

After Douglas doesn't reply, Eric sighs in annoyance- his hand still held where he left it. "You know what, I don't give a shit, but if I find you pathetically harassing Amity again then I promise you won't like the consequences." I stand taller next to Eric without even realizing, semi grateful- mostly shocked.

He defense of me makes me confused, and shamefully happy.

Douglas opens his mouth to say something but catches Eric's gaze again and stops before stomping away in the fashion of a toddler.

When he is gone, I'm left with a crooked grin of satisfaction. I know better than to believe that this has ended things, hell it might've made things worse, but now I know the extent of Douglas- that he could bring a weapon into the situation.

Fight Douglas? No problem. But fight Douglas with a knife, or whatever he had turned into a weapon? Not without a knife myself.

"Fucking loser." Eric says from beside me, reminding me that he is still here. I glance up to him, seeing him still looking where Douglas had stood. The sudden presence of his still extended hand suddenly feels uncomfortable, not because of I didn't want it there but because I couldn't understand the action. I push away the things I can't understand and don't wish to investigate.

Then my vision trails down to the black piece of fabric in his hand as I realize what I'm missing.

"Is that my…" I say staring at it.

Eric's hand suddenly drops from my back as he looks at me with annoyed confusion before he looks down to his hand and my thin-fabric training jacket I had unwittingly left back in the training room. "I figured this was yours, you should watch your things better."

"Haven't you ever lost anything before?" I say as he hands me the jacket and I mindlessly put it on.

"Nothing that's mine, _I'm_ responsible." He says while watching me with steady eyes.

"I'm responsible." I dare to point out.  
"You're just a child." For some reason I feel my heart drop a little in my chest.

I frown and then quickly recover to a glare. "So that's how you see me? Technically I'm no longer a dependent and in training to become a full member, but I'm just some kid." Why am I taking offense to this? "You're just three years older than me and you're a leader, Dauntless knows better than elsewhere that age hardly matters."

I don't how I'm being let mouth off to him, or why I'm not stopping, until Eric's hands come to rest on my shoulders. The feeling rough and heavy on my body as if he is unintentionally forcing me into the ground, I stop talking to look up at him with widened eyes as he gets close. Too close.

This time, unlike the ones before, he isn't some unseen figure behind me, now he is in my face and though I try, I can't look at anything but him; his blue eyes that seem more gray with closer examination and the piercings above his eyebrows. I can't look away. His scent hangs in the air and is all I can breathe.

"You aren't just a child." Eric says slowly before pulling away, taking my breath and warmth with him and leaving my body cold and empty with a tingling in my stomach. "Happy?" He says with the returned annoyance to his face, his features resembling the way he looks when something has particularly annoyed him. I respond with silence. "Go to bed, Cal." Eric says with a low drawl.

My name, my real name, feels strange with his voice. Strange and foreign but excitingly new. I try to not let it catch me too off guard. No need to embarrass myself. I nod slowly before leaving Eric and the addictive intensity he brought.

I stare in anguish at the listing of fights.

 _Ash?_

I had fought Thea before, back when we had even been close, but fighting Ash- who so desperately needed a win to secure his spot? It was cruel. Even if we haven't been on the kindest terms, my Amity upbringing just couldn't allow me to fall into a sense of spite towards him.

Willa was paired with Lucas; it wasn't a kind pairing either. Both were borderlines. They were trying to make a final decision for the cuts, really weed out the capable from the incapable. The thought made me squirm.

I couldn't give the fight to Ash, I just couldn't. It wouldn't be right. Besides if I lose, that might be it. I wasn't ready to be that selfless. I'm not cut out for that Abnegation mentality. But I wasn't going to let Ash get beaten senseless.

 _'So am I that sure I'll win?'_ I knew from our records, Ash didn't stand a chance. It made me sad to think about.

Willa pulls a surprising victory when she manages to knock out Lucas, I could tell he was uncomfortable fighting her and it gave her the upper hand. I just hope it doesn't hurt his scoring too strongly.

When our turn comes, I walk onto the stage with a clammy hands. I don't want to do this and from the look on Ash's face- he doesn't either.

This is Dauntless.

I hold up my arms, still sore from the previous night. I had been so exhausted from the whole affair I was unable to get into training early this morning. "Good luck Ash." I say as we face off from each other.

He gives a glum nod. "You too, Cal."

And then we fight.

I think to the way I channeled my irritation to hit the center, about the way I let lose with my other fights, and try to make it into calculated moves. It starts out rough, vulnerabilities of mine poking through here and there. But once I got a hang of it; I knew the fight wouldn't last much longer.

It was for the best this fight wasn't rushed, it makes it look better for whoever loses.

My fist connects with Ash's shoulder, it gives me access to his stomach and then with a kick to his groin and he is on the ground.

I wasn't even tired.

 _'Don't you want to learn how to not nearly faint after every fight?'_

After Ash had been so helpful, here he was laid out on the ground below me, and it is entirely my doing. Guilty emotions push me to pick up his fallen figure, carrying him off the platform until Thea stops me at the stairs. She looks at me with obvious distaste, the most outright display of dislike she has shown me, and takes Ash from me. An empty feeling pokes at my stomach, worsening the guilt.

"These fights aren't supposed to be taken personally, Cal." Willa says as she approaches my still figure.

Nodding slowly, I move away still unable to hide my guilt. Catching the stare of Eric as I pass, I see that same calculating look in his eyes I saw from last night. What in the world has him so tied up?

 _'Betraying the other Factions, hiding Erudite secrets.'_ It was too sad to think about, too hard to think about how close it probably is to the truth.

-o-

Visitation day.

I'll admit, thoughts of my mother haven't been the most present thing crossing in my mind lately with the insanity of Initiation- but I miss her all the same. Especially after our quick exchange on the field trip, I wish to embrace her without fear of punishment; tell her about my new life because I know she'll listen. She'll probably tell me about all the time she has spent with others to fill the time and how she is so proud of me.

She's proud of me, she thinks I look great; it is enough to lighten my mood, something that has been rather dark as of the lately. Different colors of parents and loved one stand out in a stark contrast to the black of the usual Dauntless. It was refreshing.

I'll admit, the day has had me in the good mood I've desperately needed after my fight with Ash.

I see a woman and a young boy dressed in all gray enter and Willa's eyes lighten up. She looks to me joyfully one moment before skipping off to meet them. She exchanges embraces with them before a flash of sadness as she looks over the two of them, had she been expecting someone else? Her father?  
They look in my direction and I struggle to smile. They walk in my direction and Willa stands between the two and myself. "Mother, Michael, this is my close friend Cal. She is a transfer from Amity. And Cal this is my mother and little brother, Michael."

The woman, definitely where Willa got her young features and doe eyes, smiles and holds out her hand for me to shake. I shake it with a small smile and the little boy looks up at me with a nervous smile before saying a quiet hello. My smile extends at the shy little boy.

"It is nice to meet you both." I say before looking to Willa's mother. "Your daughter is an amazing person, really." The woman gives me a grateful smile, taking it humbly like any good Abnegation would.

Letting them to talk amongst themselves, I search for my mother. Some Initiate's parents had not shown up, but I knew my mother would. It wouldn't be like her to miss this. Even if this world is so different from her own.

As I wait, I introduce myself to Connie's older sister and watch some of the others with their parents.

Where is my mother?

A sudden suspicion creeps at the back of my mind as I patiently wait, my faith in my mother slowly dwindling with each passing minute. By the time most of the other families have left I know that my mother will not be coming for Visitation Day.

But why? Unsure thoughts circle my mind as I search for the right one, when none please me, I rush to leave. Not wanting to risk standing around the others crying.

I find my way to the Chasm. Somehow the rushing water that had once sickened me seems more like a comforting fountain in my grief and confusion.

Sitting on the wall by the edge, I listen to the sound of rushing and crashing water and try to find comfort in it. The sound of rain had always comforted me in Amity, even the sound of thunder.

But I couldn't find my peace here. All the crashing water reminded me of was the many who have fallen to their deaths here and fear of myself falling to my own death in it.

Getting up and wanting to escape from the intimidation of the water abyss, I find my way to the training room. The Initiate room would be too confronting, the Pit too crowded. I needed silence.

I find my spot against the wall, head resting onto the wall as I sat with crossed legs. My family wasn't the only to not show, but I had so strongly believed my mother would be here. Was something wrong?

"Your mother didn't come?" My head jerks downward from the ceiling to Eric, my shock at his presence evident. "I know that Amity woman was your mother, I'm not an idiot. How you two acted with each other, I would've figured she come."

"Me too." I say as I watch with careful eyes his approaching figure

"It's better she doesn't, it is hard to miss something you barely remember." Eric's words seem to resemble advice but his voice is cold.

' _Painful memories always last the longest.'_

"And you know this from experience?" I say.

He appears as if he is about to say some sneer for a moment before the look switches to something dark as he nods his head, not looking at me as if giving even a simple answer of nodding his head is disgusting him.

"Erudite?"

"Why do you assume that?" Eric's head turns sharply to center his eyes in on me, suspicion radiating off of him like I've some sort of traitor or spy trying to destroy him.

"Because it can't be Amity or Abnegation, and you don't seem like a Candor born. You seem intelligent." I want to say calculating but refrain.  
"Old habits die hard."

"I don't know, I haven't sung a single campfire song this entire time." I give a half-hearted chuckle, the thought of if I'm pushing his limits a constant at the back of my head.  
"But you still like that peace, don't you? Not completely, just subconsciously. I haven't seen you speak to Asher since week one and yet you went easy on him today, you haven't gone easy on anyone since you stopped being terrible."

I don't argue or defend myself, knowing better, instead I ponder on how he has gained all this information. Eric always seemed observant but I hadn't realized this observant. It rattles me, enough to distract from his jab at my once failure.

"Did you know she was my mom, when you sent me over to help her?"

"No." Liar. I can tell his lying.

"Guess I wasn't as stealthy as I thought."  
"Not enough for an Erudite born." To hear him say it out loud, it's weird. It's weird to think of him in blue.

"Why do you help train us? Don't you have better things to do?" I feel like with each time I get away with any question or comment that I need to push that boundary once more.

"Is there something wrong with training the future of Dauntless? That doesn't sound low to me. You all should be grateful I take the time" The lack of fire in Eric's eyes disappears as they light up, had I forgotten to who I was talking to? And the pride he held?

I want to defend my position but the door opens and closes, interrupting my chance, Willa comes to a startled holt in front of us. She glances up confused at Eric before keeping her eyes deliberately focused on me.

"Your mom is here…" She says slowly before stealing a look at the annoyed looking Eric.

"Really? I thought…" I get up, a smile slowly creeping up onto my face before my eyes flutter towards Eric's angry stature and then look down to avoid his stare. I make my exit quick, hoping he doesn't stop me before I can.

"Are you in trouble?" Willa asks once we have reached freedom.  
"No, though I think I said something that might have gotten me into trouble." Finally it happened, I got a dose of reality and am to be reminded of who it is I'm dealing with. This isn't Four, who with all his coldness is kind-hearted. This is Eric. The cold and calculating leader, with an ego larger than himself, and I'm just Cal from Amity. Not even officially apart of Dauntless.

Willa looks at me with mild worry before I realize that somewhere in the crowd of Dauntless stands one lone woman in bright reds and yellow. I remember that she is waiting for me and has not given up on me like I once feared.

Picking up the pace, dragging Willa behind me to keep her going, when we turn the hallway and I see the eerily beautiful figure of my mother dressed in a yellow sundress, I barely contain myself from running, especially when she looks in my direction.

I knew she would come.

After introducing Willa and her saying goodbye to head down to the Pit, my mother and I begin walking. I tell her about Initiation and about everything that has happened, even things concerning Cleo, but leave out the parts about Eric.

"Is there anyone?" My mother asks in her singsong voice, a melody I had almost begun to forget.

Feeling the heat rise to my cheeks, I laugh. "Not really."

"What about the boy I saw you with? The one with glasses?" I roll my eyes and cross my arms, fidgety at the conversation. Expression of free love was common in Amity; I just never was one for it. Never did I even want to get close to the boys at Amity- they all reminded me of him.

"This is your new life, Calla, you deserve to be happy." My mother says as her gentle and soft hand lands on my upper arm.

I slouch and look away. "Thanks Mom and I will, I wouldn't have gone through all this if I didn't know this is where I belong. And there is no one, well not really, but I don't even… It isn't like that."

"Was it the boy?"

"No that's Tyler, he's just a friend."  
"And this boy?"

"He's not my friend, and he's not more either. Mom I don't want to talk about that, let's talk about something else."

"Like what?" I can't stop myself from jumping at the sound of his voice. _'Why can't I get rid of him lately?'_ It seems impossible to avoid him, and right now I really want to avoid him.

"What are you doing here?" I say before I can stop the words, but Eric doesn't hold the same anger he held back in the training room. He just looks like his usual smug self.

"Calla! Be kind." My mother says as she squeezes my arm, oblivious to tension I roll my eyes.

"If I wanted to be kind I'd…"

"Sorry to interrupt I just needed a word with _Calla."_ The sound of my full name heavy in my chest when heard spoken by Eric, I glance quickly at my mother before accepting that whatever Eric has thought of for my punishment, it won't be good.

"What's my punishment?" I say as soon as we are out of hearing range of my mother.

Eric rolls his eyes at me in frustration before scowling at me, arms folded. "I'm not here to punish you, I'm here to do my _job"_ Obviously there is still anger there, so why haven't I been thrown into the Chasm yet? "Your things were found at the bottom of the Chasm along with your Stiff friend's."

"Do you know who did it, there's cameras everywhere?"

"There are people trying to figure that out, but the cameras were covered completely and took advantage of blind spots in the film. It is being handled, everything ruined of yours and the Stiff's is being replaced, you're welcome by the way for that." I try to let the information soak in, but struggle.

I was right; things have gotten worse with Douglas. And Eric won't be there every time to stop Douglas. Not that I want to be protected, I need to find a way to protect Willa and myself on my own.

"Thank you." I say in a small voice, distracted in thought.

"Now go back to your mother."

I look up to meet his eyes once more before giving a curt nod and turning to go back to my mother's waiting figure.

* * *

A/N- I was unsure if I was going to be able to get this chapter out tonight, but seeing how many people have been reviewing and encouraging this story pushed me. I figured there was no way I was going to delay it any longer, the encouragement just makes me so happy to see. It really helps gets the words out- so thank you guys! The next chapter is going to be a long one, and have the War Games.


	13. Chapter 13: War Games

_"Strength and growth only come from continuous struggle." -_ _Napoleon_

Chapter Thirteen: War Games

"Why would someone do this?" Willa says as she rearranges her things into the chest in front of her bed, the frown she's been wearing all day since the discovery of the news stretching further down her face.

My eyes flicker upwards to where Douglas and Harvey sit on their beds, across from the room. They can't hear us but they are watching us, obvious satisfaction in Douglas' glance and Chloe looking triumphant.

This initiation is starting to feel more like a battleground than a group supposed to be becoming family. Aren't Faction members supposed to get along?

I guess Dauntless are just family until things become a competition.

"Because they're pathetic enough to do something as pointless as destroy our things to get to us." I say, hoping they manage to hear me despite our distance.

Willa quickly glances at the group before looking to me and quietly saying, "But why are they so determined to hurt us? What have we done, I'm not stealing any of there spots. I beat Kayla once."  
I frown, wondering if her involvement with this harassment is simply her involvement with me. But Willa is stealing Kayla's spot, and whether I like it or not we are the odd men out; everyone in this room is a transfer but Willa and I's origin Factions make us stand out. People don't transfer from Amity and Abnegation into Dauntless every day. When it happens it makes people suspicious, it surprises them with something they can't understand. Unfortunately people love to hate things they can't understand.

"Are you scared of what might happen?" Willa whispers in my ear, her panic since I told her of Douglas' knife obviously causing her stress.

Frowning slightly, I decide on my opinion. "No, let them come at us, we aren't going down with a fight."

The first stage of training was coming to an end.

It was strange to think that soon our mornings would not be met with a five mile run with Four or up on the roof shooting guns and fighting. The worst part was thinking that soon our numbers will be cut down, who knows by how much.

I could be Factionless; Willa could be Factionless. It is stressful to worry about. But after one last day of throwing knives and shooting, being fairly proud of how far I've come, I dare to believe I don't have to worry about my spot. For now.

Who knows what stage two will bring.

Despite the idea that tomorrow will resemble the same as today, I could see a few people talking. Ideas that some big last challenge will catch us off guard tomorrow, I don't put the idea past Dauntless. In fact, it seemed more than possible.

After waiting for the bathroom to empty before showering, I examine my body extra close in quick glances, the long days of training has changed me, and for the better.

I feel strong.

Everything suddenly seemed _good._ Even with all the bad- the Faction tension, the possible Erudite/Dauntless treachery, the confusion Eric has brought me, and the fact half of the transfers want to kill me. Things felt right. More right than they ever did in Amity.

I fall asleep smiling, until I'm no longer sleeping. I'm awoken to movement.

My butt suspends in air as sweaty hand grasp tightly around my wrists and ankles, holding me up. The movement causes my body to sway, like I've been trapped in some current. I wake up kicking and try to move my tightly held limbs, but my arms and legs have been tied together.

Attempting to scream, I find my mouth covered in a thick tape.

 _'This can't be happening.'_

It brought back the worse kinds of memories as the sick scent of him and the darkness of that damned night fogs my thoughts. But this is not then; I'm no longer the weak Amity, no longer a child. I'm the strong Dauntless who has dared to talk back to the cruel and arrogant leader training us.

Squirming more in the arms of my capturers, I manage to break my legs free, before I'm quickly held up again. I try to fight back or even get a look at those trying to carry me off, but only find two black covered faces, barely seen in the dark halls of Dauntless.

Douglas and Harvey. I don't need to see their faces to know.

I want to scream or curse at them for being so persistent to make my life hell, to ask them why, but it all comes out muffled by the tape covering my mouth.

Even my determined fighting can't keep the two of them from carrying me up a flight of stairs, as it happens I find my back and legs often hitting the rough stairs as I struggle to escape free. The pain stings flesh that I cannot reach out to comfort.

This is planned, no other way could they have easily guessed which halls and staircases would be empty, even at this time there is still people roaming. Dauntless never sleeps.

The rage of being sabotaged, realizing that this is not just a threat or else I'd be hanging off the Chasm, sets in. I had heard the rumors of our final test for the first stage of training, if I miss that…

That's the plan I'm assuming,; get me cut.

The figures drop my legs and my bottom half lands onto the concrete with a heavy thump, the windy night covering up the sounds of struggle. My hands are tied back to pipes on the wall and the figures quickly make their exits.

All alone, I stop screaming and push out my tongue to readjust the tape until it is enough to hear my own heavy breaths. I scream, finding my shrilled voice lost in the wind of the night. Giving up on the idea of someone hearing me, I squirm and stretch my neck to see what is tying my legs together, unable to see my hands.

Bed sheets?

I can handle that much. I have to; I refuse to be cut now because of some dumb play at sabotaging me. My heart races as I wonder about how much time I have left and begin to in intervals pull and attempt at separating my legs to stretch out the fabric. After a few minutes of attempts I hear the comforting sound of tearing fabric.

With just a small bit of extra space, I manage to free my feet. If my heart wasn't racing and I wasn't so panicked over the idea of missing the final test, I'd laugh at the pathetic attempt at restraint Douglas and Harvey had made.

I try standing up and find myself brought back down once the fabric around my arms reaches the top of the pipe. At least half stood up I have a slightly better vantage point. I look around my darkened surroundings and I begin to recognize my location, the roof where the Initiates were first brought after the Choosing Ceremony. I glance off the roof and see the hole of darkness where I now know leads to mats, my first test of Dauntless. An idea registers in my mind.

Managing to throw one leg off the roof, I squeeze to get the other off with my limited movement; the fabric isn't strong enough to hold all of my weight off a roof. Not for long anyway.

With half my body suspended off the roof I feel the nausea and adrenaline at the idea of falling to my death kick in, I know that the fall does not mean death- I've made it once before, but with the appearance of a black abyss that it presents it is hard to remind myself of that.

I wait, finding my arms burning in the pain of opposite pulls, the pull of my restraints and the pull of the fall.

I hear the small sound of ripping fabric as the threads tear apart and my arms are given the space to escape, slowly I remove one and hold myself up with the other before the burning in my arms become too much. I stare down at the endless and pitch black abyss below me, unable to escape it as I let go and am consumed by silence.

The Initiate room is empty when I return, though the room looks a mess. I don't know how much time has passed but if I want any chance of making it I need to go now. I take time to only put on shoes and am off running, my adrenaline pushing me as I sprint to the trains.

Pushing past the random Dauntless here and there, I fear the worse until I reach the train tracks to find the train just passing, but without me on it.

My heart falls but my legs don't stop. I push myself to run until my lungs burn and my stomach squeezes in pain. I don't stop running.

The train is not fast moving, but it is fast enough to make the sprint seem endless, the platform coming to an end with more distance to be covered.

I get close enough to see the forms of other Initiates in the compartments, spotting the smug faces of Douglas and Harvey is just the push I need to increase what I thought was the fastest I could manage. I will not let them win.

It is just as the platform comes to an end that I throw myself towards the train, catching the hand that is extended to me by Connie.

Lifted into the train, I stumbled on the floor breathless and aware of the eyes on me. I must look like a disaster, from my lack of preparation to the measure gone through to get through. My hair is a frizzy mess and my clothes are rolled up and wrinkled in certain spaces.

"Where were you, Initiate?" The cold voice of Eric stops me from overthinking the dumbfounded looks of my peers.

I turn to meet his glance and find his face doesn't exactly match his tone, while his eyebrows furrow together, Eric looks something that I can only imagine resembles hints of relief. Or maybe my mind is just creating things, in hope? Hope of what?

"Sorry, I got a little tied up." I say, my voice laced with dark intention, and glance quickly to the scornful looks painted on Douglas and Cleo's faces. Harvey shows nothing, I wonder if he even cares or just follows Douglas' sadistic plans out of cruelty rather than wrath.

Eric's eyes search mine; look over my body once or twice and to the faces of Douglas and the others. I won't let them get away with this, but right now is not the time to bring up my case.

"Well now that you're here." Eric says and steps back to allow Four into the center of the train compartment.

Four stands in front of us, all the eyes of transfers and Dauntless born waiting. "The game is simple, its like Capture the Flag."

Eric holds a skinny gun and I wonder briefly if their way of making cuts is simply us killing each other. "Weapon of Choice." Eric says and without a single glance in the direction, he fires the gun into Douglas' leg behind him.

We watch in shock as Douglas falls to the floor. I'll admit to a bit of pleasure from seeing him on the floor in pain. Eric bends down to rip the bullet from Douglas' leg and holds it up for us to see. "Stimulates the pain of a bullet without the damage." Four begins to hand out the guns to each of us along with a round of bullets for each person. "Two teams, Four and I are captains."  
Four and Eric exchange cold looks and I wonder if this is just another form of the endless competition between the two, they have a history, longer than most would even know from the mere sight of the looks they give each other.

"I'll pick first." Four says and Eric gestures for him to go ahead. "Misty." Four says and a Dauntless born joins Four, her blonde hair shaved on one side and the tips died a magenta. She looks strong, but has a playful look to her that reminds me of Amity.

"Amity." I think momentarily as if Eric is reading my thoughts out loud until I realize I have been picked for Eric's team, first. I take the gun handed to me and stand besides Eric. As Four picks his second team member, Eric gives me a downward glance that I pretend to not notice.  
"Ethan." Eric says, I recognize the Dauntless born that comes to join as one of those pointed out by Jayce. I hadn't liked what I heard.

By the end of it, Connie is only friendly face I recognize, that and Asher, who I haven't said much of anything to since we fought.

Four's team gets off first and as I stand by the ledge waiting, I feel a hand land on my shoulder.

My sight flickers up to Ethan, who stares down with a charismatic grin at me. "Are you excited?" I remind myself of the type of guy he is, and decide to end the aspect of a normal conversation as quickly as possible.

"Are you?" I ask, faked genuine curiosity and confusion spread across me features, as if I really can't understand the question.

"We are getting off here!" Eric shouts as we pass by a long row of abandoned buildings, the sight of a rustic carousel in the distance. I jump off the train, landing on my feet and join besides Connie.

As we all group together, Eric stands with crossed arms looking at us. "What's our strategy?" He doesn't look too happy putting the planning up to us, but I imagine it is part of the process.

"We should break up into groups, defense and offense. Maybe split offense into two to surround the other team's flag." Ethan says and Eric nods, though still unimpressed.

"We should assign people to guard the flag."  
"Or just hide it somewhere and leave it, how would they ever know where to look? Just set up guards at a random place, make it look like its there." I say.

"That's a cowards way out." Eric says as he turns to look towards me, my cheeks flush, not expecting that cold of a response.

Eric was the kind of person who would hang up the flag in the sky and still find a way to win with brute force just so he could say that despite the disadvantage he still won.

"No winning strategy is a cowardly strategy." The group is silent, as if amazed by the small amount of backtalk I have given to Eric. If only they knew about the worse things I've said, and got away with.

Eric glares, taking the flag from Ethan and handing it to me, his eyes centered in as he looks at me. "Then you better not lose."  
"Not planning on it."  
-

After stuffing the flag into one of the drawers of an abandoned fair booth, I get back to the group to find they have devised the rest of the strategy for offense. We hit them with two groups on the side, then a last one in the middle once their defenses have been weakened. Three are assigned to a large building a hundred feet from the actual flag's location, the fake defense.

"Lamarck will lead the left offensive group, Ethan you lead the right. I'll lead the last wave." Eric says as we all load up our guns. "Alice, Zach, and Amity you are with me." I glare to the ground. Everyone gets a name but me?

The other groups leave ahead of us, the four of us left to trail behind in a slowed but urgent pace. My eyes scan the deserted grounds displayed in front of us, searching for the smallest sign of movement. I have gained an uncontrollable fear of being shot with one of these things, even with being aware of their lack of harm.

Attempting to quell my nerves I focus on something else. My attention finds its place with the two Dauntless born accompanying me; the girl has a hard look to her. Not the typical wild and brave look, but a silent fire going on in the back of her eyes. Her dark hair is pulled in a tight braid as if the presence of a single loose strand would catch the flames from behind her eyes and set her entire body on fire. Her pupils are smoldering coals. Alice catches my stare and with the smoldering coals pointed in my direction, I quickly turn to Zach.

He is the polar opposite of Alice, with a big enough build that it makes sense Eric would pick him, but he had a mirthful attitude and carried himself in a manner that gave you the constant sense he was aware of all of your secrets or is enjoying some personal joke. Zach turns his head in my direction and gives me a curious look.

"So, do you have a name, Amity?" He says after joining beside me, whispering it quietly enough to not cause Eric to turn around and lecture us for speaking.

"Cal." I say in the same hushed tone. "But I'm thinking about making it more memorable, everyone seems to mistake it for Amity." The humor sounds natural, and with a fluency that makes me feel a small sense of pride. It wasn't too distant ago that I wouldn't even be able to speak to a person like Zach, let alone exchange humorous lines with him.

Zach gives a wide smirk, his lip piercing stretching along with the crooked positioning of his lips. "I think Cal is just fine."  
"Thanks." I say as Eric turns around to shoot looks of disdain in our direction.

"We are silent, Initiates!" He says, moving back from the front to lead us from behind. Zach gives me an apologetic look before moving to walk on his own.

The sudden pressure of a hand behind me guides me to walk faster, I don't look back to its owner or question if it is even his. I just know. But as we walk I get the feeling as if I'm doing something impeccably wrong and secretive, the other two just mere feet in front of us completely unaware of the interaction.

I try not to enjoy it too much, or give away anything on my face to indicate that I'm even aware of his touch.

When we hear the sounds of shots, the warmth of the hand drops and the two in front turn to looks backwards. I falter a bit but force myself to face Eric as well.

He gestures for us to move and we begin a light jog in the direction of the noise. Once we look around the corner of a building, we see the battle occurring around a small lake, a few still untouched guards standing on a pier over the lake. "There, that's where the flag has to be." I say pointing towards the two guards.

The others crane their necks to follow my finger, the pier covered by a half a dozen trees. My eyes search until they find a path covered by trees and hidden from the battle occurring around the lake. The path leads straight to the pier, and the flag, the only dilemma is the lake. "I can swim." I say.

Eric turns to look at me, his face indescribable and I don't know what he could possibly be thinking until he speaks. "If you have a plan, Amity, do it." I pause for a moment before nodding quickly and sprinting off in the direction of the path, knowing my times is limited until someone spots me.

Behind me I see Eric and the others running the originally planned path, I'm on my own. My final test and my decision could end up disastrous or give me a huge advantage.

Making it past the trees, I don't pause or flinch at the water, but slow down enough to silently move through the water. Once the water becomes too deep, I'm left swimming.

The faint memories of days spent swimming in Amity lakes blends into the darkness of the water, the sound of shots still lighting up the night. The feeling of oxygen depravation sets in and I'm reminded of the time I felt the same things and forced myself under, desperate for a release.

Back then I had my mother to grab at my clothes, yanking me out of the water just as the darkness fuzzed at my vision, but now I pull myself to the surface. Taking in oxygen and my surroundings. The two guards at the pier haven't noticed me but I have noticed the glowing light of the flag.

Under the pier.

Naturally.

I instinctively shiver, the freezing temperatures of the water feeling like needles in my skin, but push myself to carry on. As I move my leg and am met with mud it suddenly feels as if I am being yanked into the sunken ground and flail my arms to free myself, just enough sound to get the attention of the two Dauntless born guarding the flag.

Guns pointed my way; I dive sideways into the water, pushing myself forward just enough to avoid their first shots and head towards the flag.

I feel the pain before I register the sound of the third shot. The excoriating pain as if someone has stabbed a pipe into my leg burns my lower half and keeps me struggling to stay afloat, let alone obtain the flag. I see Eric, Zach, and Alice emerging from one side and one of the two leaves to fight them while the other keeps his gun pointed at me. I force myself to grab my gun and attempt to shoot at him before he shoots another dart into my arm. I drop my gun and lose it to the mud below me. I rip out both bullets as I desperately claw with my undamaged limbs to keep afloat.

"Patrick!" Some shouts from the battle occurring onshore, the boy guarding the pier turns to look quickly and I take the moment to dive under water.

The burning in my arm and leg intensifies as I struggle to push myself through the water, but find the pain to be overwhelming. Too overwhelming, holding me hostage against the ice cold water. My lungs are soon burning and I feel my vision fading, blinking images of that familiar memory mixing into the darkness around me.

The sound of my mother's cries upon discovering my half unconscious body, the feeling of forcing myself to not give in to the instinct to reach the surface, the feeling of being lifted and dragged from the water, choking out the liquid from my lungs.

I won't drown. I use my working leg to push into the mud and yank my head upwards, forcing my burning limbs to work with me. To push myself towards air, with oxygen filling my lungs and a sudden burst of adrenaline I make another move to grab my gun that had fallen into the mud. I shoot towards Patrick, who stands at the edge of the pier with a look of shock on his face. He drops to the ground, crying in pain and his gun fallen beside him.

Push forward. Push forward. The temptation to give in and let my aching bones drown feels like a hidden oasis, so tempting. My face clenches together as Patrick pushes himself crashing into the water, blocking me from the flag.

We both fight the pain, colliding with each other with difficult and strained movements. The pain and the water causing for an unfortunate battleground, I reach for my gun but it is out of my grasp and in the mud below us. I curse as I smack into Patrick once more, pushing him into one of the pier's wooden pillars. His head smacks backwards and his groans before throwing his fist into my face.

My head moves backwards and I give a blind punch, just barely knocking into him before I knock him once again backwards into the pillar. His eyes seem to roll back and I bring myself to punch him again, this time with better coordination and force. His body goes limp. My mind considers leaving him, letting him possibly drown.

I could leave him, face downwards, hope he doesn't drown and grab the flag. Win this. Secure my spot. "Cal!" I suspect one of the three from Eric's group but instead see Ash, sprinting in my direction down the pier, his gun flailing in his arm.

He makes my decision obvious, though the weight of letting go of what I do heavy. "Ash! The flag is under the pier!" He looks shocked at what I'm telling him at first before he runs down the pier, stretching to reach under it and grabbing the neon flag.

By the time he has raised the fabric into the air, I have carried Patrick to the shore.

The adrenaline worn off, I barely make it to the grass before collapsing on the ground. The world shifts from side to side and I hold unto the ground for dear life, my freezing body exposed to the night's breeze.

"Cal?" Ash says as he looks down at me, his voice sounding far off. The rest of our team and some of the others join in, celebrating and high fiving Ash, the crowd absorbs him and I'm alone until Connie reaches my side.

"Cal, are you all right?" She says, gun still in hand, I nod, feeling the effects of the darts wearing off. "You must be freezing." She says and offers me her hand, pulling me up from the ground and holding me up as my body teeters to the side. "We need to get you into dry clothes." Connie says with a worried look at my shivering body.

"Here," I glance towards Ethan, a jacket extended in my direction. Connie thanks him for me as I put it and shamelessly relish in the warmth.

"Amity." My head lazily turns in the direction of the new voice; Eric stands with his arm extended out towards me and a towel in his grasp. Where did he even get a towel?

I nod in thanks and glance at Patrick, he has awakened and his friends surround him but I worry for his drenched state as well. Quickly using the towel to dry off what I can, I start making my way over to Patrick.

Stretching it out to him, he gives me a cautious look before taking it to dry himself off. I don't wait around, turning to leave as soon as he has it.

Celebration continues for Eric's team as we walk to the train, morphed into Four's less excited team. As I walk, my mind sticks to the cloud, until the uneasy figure of Thea approaches.

"Congratulations, Cal." She says in a quiet voice.

I give her an unsure smile. "Thank you."  
"I know we haven't talked in a very long time, and it must seem like I hate you." She begins talking fast as if in fear she'll soon be cut off. "But I don't hate you and I'm sorry that things have been hostile between us. I was dealing with things, things from my past, but I'm not anymore. I want us to get along, even be friends again."

A very stubborn and dark part of me wants to say no, to turn her away and laugh, and the option hangs there. It really does. But then that part of me that gave Ash the victory he needed and saved Patrick from drowning, that part of me gives Thea a warm smile before I can even decide.

"I think that could work." I say and Thea meets me with a relieved grin and I don't regret my decision. For every ounce of me that is cold or harsh I forget that there is just as much, if not more, of me that is kind and brave.

The rest of the walk to the train feels just the slightest bit warmer after this realization.

* * *

A/N- It has been a while, I'm sorry, I'm not giving up on this story though! I just started school and it has been tough writing but I'm making the time, the next chapter will not be taking this long to get out. It already half written.

Thank you for readings, as always! Review/Follows/Favorites are always appreciated!


	14. Chapter 14: End of the First Stage

_"From love, we slipped into midnight like the death of the sun." -Segovia Amil_

Chapter Fourteen: End of the First Stage

An exciting and sickly feeling. Nervous. Anxious. Terrified.

Today is either the first or last day of my future here in Dauntless, it isn't even Final Cuts and my nerves are killing me. We have the day off but everyone wakes up quickly and in a haste to see the final rankings for Stage One posted in the Pit. Some speak, speaking to calm their nerves, and others stay in utter silence. I am one of those taking a period of silent reflecting as I dress.

No matter how much the self-loathing side of myself fights through, I tell myself that I have made it. I repeat this over and over until Willa is ready and we walk together to see our fates decided.

I try to not focus on the swirling thoughts and instead focus on action, moving down the halls with urgency. Think about the person that just pasted. Think about how often the lights overhead probably go out. Think about whose job it is to replace them.

Don't think about if I have made it. Don't think about if my friends have made it. Don't think about the weight of Eric's presence and how much I've grown to crave it. Don't think about it. Nothing. Just nothing.

We enter the Pit. Most of our class already staring at the wall, the first thing I notice is a crying Dauntless Born. _Great._ I drag Willa with me to see, and then scan over the names. Not gathering them at first, taking a few moments before the names register as anything but a random assortment of nonsensical letters.

And then suddenly, the twenty names form.

1\. Ethan Davis

2\. Karlus Nichols

3\. Misty Boyer

4\. Lamarck Morton

5\. Jayce Gamble

6\. Zach Cannon

7\. Guiana Lewis

8\. Briana Vincent

9\. Harvey Burns

10\. Thea Robbins

11\. Calla Horne

12\. Alice Shaw

13\. Douglas Mullins

14\. Patrick Hayes

15\. Connie Davenport

16\. Cleo Blackwell

17\. Anita Schmidt

18\. Asher Goodwin

19\. Lola Chan

20\. Willa Blanchard

I catch myself smiling before I can help it, my eyes widened in shock as I look over it a few more times, as if to make sure I'm not insane. Eleventh. One more spot to go and I'll make Final Cuts.

Thea, Asher, Connie, and Willa… they all made it. I'm even glad to see Thea made it after the previous night's conversation with her. Willa's skinny arms wrap around me and squeeze me as we hold each other in silent celebration.

Then I realize whose name is not there.

Kind and humorous Samuel, who has been friendly to everyone.

Lucas, Connie's boyfriend. Who she has dated since age ten, who followed her here, who has been kind to Willa and I. I break away from Willa and look around to find Connie and Lucas. Lucas stands with his eyes to the ground and Connie standing in a tense and awkward position, her enraged eyes staring in shock at the listings. It is an uncomfortable and heart-wrenching sight.

Willa and I exchange looks, and quickly leave the Pit before we can witness more.

* * *

The rest of the class is out celebrating. I've found my celebration in a lone shower, the room vacant of the other Initiates; whose numbers have gone down considerably. Only ten remaining, but considering twenty made it and the Dauntless born have a considerable advantage I'd consider that number fortunate. Half of us have spots.

For now.

And now the training shift to mental. I don't know what to expect, but I know what will prove to be an obstacle. I just pray it won't hold me back enough to stop me from making it through training.

The nightmares that once plagued my nights have gone down considerably, to a dim notion of tossing and turning instead of the memories of full-blown hells, will this change once my emotional boundaries are tested.

Probably.

I'll have to take it in stride.

I finish up my shower, the longest I've taken since arriving in Dauntless. People in Amity had lived together, showered together, and ate together. But there was always the choice. I didn't have to shower with nine other people. Finding a way to avoid that situation here has been difficult.

I dry off with a towel quickly, wrapping it around my skin and making my way out of the bathroom towards my bed just as I hear the rustling. My vacant mind hadn't noticed it until I see a bent over figure, searching through one of the bed's chest. Douglas'.

The person must hear me because they stop their movement and turn around, I recognize them before they turn but the cruel eyes that glance my way prove it.

"What are you doing here?" I ask, word salad erupting from my mouth as I clench tighter onto my towel.

"I could ask the same."  
"This is my current place of residence." The confidence in my voice quells the overwhelming vulnerability of standing in front of Eric in just a towel, hair drenched and dripping water onto the floor by my bare feet.

Eric sighs, leaning onto the bed's frame. "I meant why are you here and not celebrating?"

"I was showering." I say as if it hadn't been obvious enough, who knows how long Eric has been here? What if he had seen me? I feel heat rise and redden my cheeks as I think about the likelihood he had.  
"That urgent, huh?" Eric says with a personal sense of humor laced onto his words.  
"I like the privacy." I admit.

Eric's eyes narrow a bit as he cocks his head to the side. "I thought Amity is all for community, you should be use to a lack of privacy."

 _'I was as a child, then my life was ruined and I took any type of privacy I could get.'_

"I'm not Amity anymore, I might not be officially Dauntless but I'm definitely not Amity. If anything I'm Factionless." I say as I look to the item wrapped up in black fabric by Eric. "So why are you here? If you don't mind me asking." I add in the part, reminding myself to not get too comfortable with him.

"Inspecting a lead." As if that gives away anything. The frustration of unanswered question scratches at the back of my neck. "Feel like going into detail about why you were late for the War Games?" Eric asks, taking a step towards me that contemplate whether I enjoy or dread.

"Not in this state." I say and Eric's face shifts into a crooked grin, an arrogant and confident look crosses his features as he looks me up and down.

"Right."

I step away slowly, towards my bed, anxious to dress. "Excuse me, I should probably…" I don't finish, instead leaving to retrieve my clothes before heading back into the bathroom, ignoring Eric's following stare as I move.

Making sure I dress where Eric cannot see me, I move quickly and emerge with a bit more confidence now that I am not in such a vulnerable position.

Eric stands in the same position as before, an annoyingly satisfied smirk with crossed arms. "Cal." He says as I walk past. I swivel on my feet to look back at him. "Did you ever figure out that thing I told you about?"

I take the moment to consider what he could be talking about before realizing he must be referring to the puzzle he set me on that night in the training room, the night that now feels eons ago. The look on my face must show when I realize because Eric's eyes shine with amusement. I fix my expression into one of calculation, something I might find Eric with, before responding.

"Possibly, why? Afraid of what I'll do now that I know?" I say with a mischievous smirk as I spin around and leave in a quick pace, making sure he can't respond before I'm already gone.

* * *

Every time I think of returning to the Initiate's room, my stomach flutters. I know Eric is probably long gone and hasn't decided to camp out in the place, but I can't help but no longer feel comfortable alone there as of the moment. Instead I force myself to celebrate, the regular way.

I stand next to Willa's smiling figure as she chats with a Dauntless member, for someone so little and shy she has shown to beat me in every aspect as far as social skills go. I search for Connie, but she is nowhere to be seen. I wonder briefly if she has left with Lucas but shake the thought. Connie is smarter than that.

My hands wrap tighter around my drink, an alcoholic drink I've taken a full five sips of, the burning in my throat has lessened from it but so far it has only made me drowsy. I notice Thea and Ash standing close to each other across the room, talking with drinks in hand.

They notice my stare and smile in my direction and I give a small grin back, pacing over their way, I need to relax. The party scene is apart of Dauntless. I need to get use to this.

"Congratulations." I say to the two, feeling suddenly more awkward in my speech than I've felt in a long time, and I just had a conversation in nothing but a towel with Eric.

"You too." Thea says, flashing me her teeth as she wraps her blonde hair into a ponytail. "It so strange thinking how close we are to being full members."  
Ash and I nod agreeing. "I just feel so bad for Lucas." Ash says before clearing his throat, the grim statement weighing down on the lively spirit of the room.

"I thought he was going to make it, I never considered the possibility of him not…" Thea says before taking a long swig from her drink. I follow the example and drink until I can feel the weight of it affect my mind, making me sway a bit before grasping onto the ledge of the wall in front of us.

"Whoa there." Thea says, chuckling.

I give her an unsure smile before going for another sip, only to be stopped by Ash. "Take your time there, Cal." He says and I consider snapping at him for thinking I cannot handle myself until I recognize the look on his face as sincere worry.

"Sorry, I probably should slow down… I've never drunk so much before." The idea that I'm a lightweight passes my thoughts and I grow annoyed. The thought of that weakness bugs me.

I put my drink on the ledge and shake my head, "I don't even know why I'm drinking, and I hate that stuff." I say pointing to the beer.

Thea and Ash look mildly worried behind their amusement. "You'll get use to it soon." Thea rest assures.

Nodding, I glance around the room and suddenly feel completely and utterly trapped. As if someone has cut off my air. "Yeah, I guess." I say. I don't want to get use to the stuff. I don't want to drink at all. I hate losing that control. So what am I doing here? "Actually I think I'm going to head back…" I say and the two of them give me brief smiles and goodbyes before I drift away from them.

My movements feel unusually light and at the same time terribly uncoordinated. I can't possibly be drunk, I hadn't even finished my first drink, but the day has gotten to me. My mind is in the clouds.

I wonder out of view before drifting off course and trailing through random halls of Dauntless, the endless path seemingly leading to nowhere and everywhere all at once.

What is my mind tonight?

"Where are you going? Are you trying to get lost?" I stop short, turning on my heels to the voice. Eric stands leaning against the hall's wall. When did he get there? Was he following me?

"I'm not lost."

"Really?" He says, folding his arms and removing himself from the wall. "How do you get back to the Pit from here? Do you even know what section you are in?"  
I pause for a moment before sighing, glancing to the ground. "No, I'm lost. But I knew I'd find my way back."

"What a relief." Eric says, taking steps towards me. It must be my state of mind- or the alcohol, because I don't step back. I watch in curiosity and pure and shameless awe as he walks towards me with darkened eyes. Eyes dark with colors I've only seen occasionally, most of those occasions having occurred in the strange moments we've shared alone.

He walks until he is no less than a foot away from me and then takes another step, forcing me to unconsciously step back into the wall, trapped in by Eric.

What a situation I've gotten myself into.

"What have you done, Calla?" My full name, not said out of spite or in disdain, just said. Said by _him._ "What have you done?" Eric takes another step closer and I contemplate what he could be referring to.

I check for any signs of alcohol, from his breath to a glazed over look in his eyes, but find nothing. His eyes stare back at me with the same searching look, but apparently he finds something he doesn't like because he takes a step back and frowns with his trademark intensity.

"Are you drunk?"

"No, I didn't even have an entire drink." I say, making sure to pronounce every word with careful precision to prove my point. "Why would it matter?"

He doesn't respond, instead makes up the stolen step to close back in on me. His figure devouring me and trapping me in from the entire world, I try to take a step back but the wall has sealed my fate.

"Tell me again about what you realized?"

 _"Afraid of what I'll do now that I know?"_ What I had said earlier this afternoon, leading him to believe I have actually solved this intricate puzzle he has devised for me.

The intensity in his eyes… intimidating not in the way I had seen earlier in my time here. It is intense and it still scares me, but it is not meant as a scare tactic. His eyes hold a silent passion.

I've officially gone insane, because now I'm seeing things. I'm feelings things I should not and making up stories and ideas that are leading me to some false belief that I can't bare to think to myself.

But here he is, less than twelve inches away from me, caging me into the wall.

"I'm not involved in training anymore." He says when I do not speak, one hand leaving his side to be place on the wall beside me and the other following soon after. His arms caging me in, I can't even escape if I tried.

I don't even consider it.

"Why does it matter?" I say, trying to keep my words from stuttering, I try to look at anything but him. My cheeks must be tomato red by now.

Eric's hand leaves the wall to reach towards one of my braids, his fingers twirling it around with a certain familiarity. "You know."

I think I know, but I must be wrong. I can't possibly be right.

Using his focus on my braid to my advantage, I look to his eyes and try to figure them out, but his eyes quickly look up to me and hold me there. Both arms fall to his side.

"You can leave, right now, I won't be mad." He says in a deep voice, even taking a step back. "Calla if you want to leave, do it."

He is giving me an escape, letting me know that I am not forced into this position.

I don't want to leave. Hoping he will take my silence as compliance, I wait, but so does he. Finally I bring myself to shake my head.

He smirks with a look that makes my heart race; getting closer and resuming the position he had been in. Caging me in. His face leans in until his cheeks are pressed to mine, and then whispers into my ear. "Good."

He sounds relieved, but I wonder if I'm making it up.

"Why aren't you involved in training anymore?" I ask, conjuring up everything brave about me.

"Because it would make this wrong." He says as he pulls back the slightest to slide his face until his nose is pressed against my own. He stays there for a moment, his cold blue eyes in front of my own and I briefly think they look grayer up close.

We hold this position for a moment before I take the brave step to close my eyes, and as I do I feel Eric's weight crash into me, his lips pressing and molding to my own.

This can't be happening.

I pinch my side to wake up, but find myself still wrapped up in Eric's arm, our lips pressed together.

The feelings I felt when Cleo kissed him, the feelings I felt whenever he got close. The puzzle. It all makes sense; the answer is in our embrace.

My hands reach up to fall onto Eric's back and I realize this is the first time I've directly touched him. The cloth of his shirt soft in my touch and the tension in his muscles feels strange and new, I clench onto his shirt and he builds up the intensity of our kiss.

It continues until his lips have reached my neck and I stretch to give him better access but as soon as my eyes are open I'm filled with a terrifying anxiety, everything feels as if it is moving too fast. My head feels light and I try to suppress my fear and focus on the feeling of Eric as he his teeth pull at the skin by my collarbone, because I want him this close. I want this. But the intimacy has caught me off guard and I know I can't handle much more.

Feeling shameful of my weakness and lack of confidence, I gently pull away from his grasp. "I'm sorry." I say and find a new look in Eric's eyes. Hurt. "Its just… too fast."

Eric says nothing, something empty glazing over his look as he nods and quickly exits, leaving me alone in an unfamiliar hallway with no clue of how to find my way back to the Pit.

* * *

A/N- A little delayed, but it's out! It is short but has a bunch going on so I doubt it is a big deal. So tell me what you guys think, was this too soon? Not soon enough? I'm not great with physically intimate writing just because of my own lack of experience but hopefully it is still alright. I'd love some feedback. Thanks for reading! Until next chapter!


	15. Chapter 15: Stage Two

_"The scariest monsters are the ones that lurk within our souls..." -Edgar Allen Poe_

Chapter Fifteen: Stage Two

As morning came and the usual movement of others pulled me from my sleep I found two unusual findings. One was that I had been awaken by others, the movement was usual but I was usually also with them by this time- my sleep was never so deep as to make me one of the last to be awake. And with a quick sweep across the room I realized I was not just one of the last, but the last.

My second unusual finding comes in the form of soreness, while physical pain is usual in the morning when my limbs are still stiff and tired from the previous day, today my mind is what feels sore.

The alcohol in my blood had long since gone but the buzz left my inexperienced body with an aching head and the pressure of last night events still held in my heart, on my lips, and on my collar bone. Upon quick inspection while changing I notice the mark and realize my encounter with Eric was not some strange dream like I had awoken thinking it to be.

And that thought left my mind in a twist, I couldn't manage to eat, I followed Willa and the others to breakfast and only pushed the food around- unable to look up or search for _him_ in the crowd. I wasn't ready to see him- to look him in the eye and face my fears.

Eric had kissed me. We had kissed. He left me with a bruise and he even ended his involvement in Training to avoid a conflict of interest, but what interest is there? Despite all that had occurred it still felt like in that passion was a desperation to finish and complete, like he was trying to do it and then get rid of me.

But then again I think to the look of hurt when I pushed him away and wonder if I really am delusional, because Eric does not get hurt.

Amidst all the spinning thoughts that overtook my brain, I also was faced with a new challenge, the beginning of Stage Two. The entire time since stepping, or falling, into the Dauntless Compound I had faced physical challenge and the emotional struggle did present itself but only in the face of the overwhelming physical expectations I had to meet. Now everything felt mental and I wondered if this training would too, like the first stage, leave me stronger. I can only hope, because if it doesn't I'll be left insane and broken on the streets with the Factionless.

"Cal are you alright? Training is starting in half an hour, we should start going now." I feel the pressure of Willa's hand on my shoulder and jerk my head in her direction, wide eyed as my mind is yanked from its drifted state. After a long moment of silence and staring I remind myself to keep myself under control and give her a smile and a nod, drifting up to my feet and carrying my still full plate to the trash.

"You didn't eat."

"That's not true, I ate a piece of toast."

"You need more Calla, I don't want to nag you but you're worrying me today." Willa says in a motherly voice, something sparks in me as I frown. I can take care of myself. I'm fine. I'm fine.

"I know my body." I snap. But upon inspection of her grief and confused filled face my anger falls back into my tired state as I regret getting frustrated with her. "Sorry, I'm tired and not hungry. There is just so much going on." Willa give an agreeing smile of forgiveness that I cherish as we leave the dining area.

As soon as we are exiting a familiar face enters, one with familiar stormy eyes and overly managed light hair.

Eric searches the room in a quick sweep that I recognize as a familiar habit of his, like he suspects if he doesn't someone might spring up and attack him from behind.

As his eyes land on me, they pause for a moment and seem to shimmer in the fluorescent light before the corner of his lips pulls up into the slightest of a smirk before continuing into the dining area, it is a small pause in his usual routine but in my stare I catch it.

There is definitely no denying the reality of last night's encounter now.

* * *

"Eric!" I shout with more courage than expected but less than wanted, my legs pushing to keep up with his long leg's fastened pace. The hallway is empty, but as Eric comes to a halt he searches it anyway- as if I'd be dumb enough to call out to him in a crowded hallway.

As I reach his paused movement I get a closer look at the tension in his face and body, like a frozen animal ready to dash off on the first chance. But I know Eric enough to know he doesn't play the role of defenseless animal, he's the chaser.

"Go to training." He tells me, as I'm about to say something. I open my mouth to cut in but he repeats his warning. "Go to training." He says. I'm about to stay until the cold ice of his eyes cut into my own and remind me of how he used to like me before we webbed our own complicated web of emotion.

I cringe my face and stare at him for one last brave movement before twirling around and heading back in the direction of the Pit.

* * *

We file into a long hallway, chairs seated along each side of the gray wall, though not nearly enough for everyone. After I returned to Willa and the others after my failed attempt of speaking to Eric, the Transfers left all grouped together in mutual need to find the new training location.

Five minutes before the scheduled time, we found the door that led to this strange hallway. It wasn't strange in comparison to the rest of the city, just in the light of the Dauntless Compound. Everything about this place is rugged, tough, and this was smooth and the most clinical thing I've seen after the clinic itself.

The Dauntless Born are already seated in about half the chairs, Willa and I taking our own seat in the two remaining near the Dauntless Born. I see out of the corner of my eye Thea, Connie, and Asher take the seats directly across from us. It still feels strange to know that it's almost back to how things were at first, before the competitiveness and intensity of training got to us. Stage Two was a mystery, and it didn't involve fighting each other, just ourselves. And who knows what that means.

Thea was talking and laughing with us al as if she hadn't been ignoring half of us for the majority of Stage One. I try to not let it bother me. Asher and Willa seem ready to accept that for truth. My silence isn't too atypical of my regular behavior, so no one questions when I fade out from the conversation, and I let them think its just my own thoughts that are keeping me silent.

Connie is silent too- but that's not typical. She looks like someone just killed her dog… or her boyfriend was just condemned to a life of being Factionless. I guess her reserved nature does make some sense. In my watchful eye the girl looks up to match my stare, she raises an eyebrow silently in a questioning look. I glance away, not bothering to explain my actions.

"We're beginning the second stage of Training." I look up from Connie to watch Four, unaware when he had even entered the room, but from his location I imagine him and the man standing by him that he must've done so from the two doors at the other side of the hallway. "You've spent the last few weeks strengthening your bodies and proving your physical abilities, now you will strengthen your mind and overcome your fears, and you will prove you can do so or you will not make it past the Final Cut." Everyone goes silent, even the semi cocky looks on some of the Dauntless born falls at that. No one can prepare for this, no longer do the Dauntless born have the advantage.

"This is Peter, he will be helping with the administration of training. We'll be going one by one, so until your name is called you are to stay here and not make too much noise, we'll begin with Guiana and Calla." I look up to Four, and then Willa who gives me a sympathetic look, I stand.

I wipe my face and try to look unaffected as I walk down the lane of sitting transfers and dauntless born, even though my heart races.

I know what some of my fears consist of, and I'm not looking forward to facing them, or for anyone to witness just what it is I fear…

"Sunflower you're with me." The new man, Peter, says with a gesturing of his hands to the door beside him. My face crunches up instinctively at the name.

"Sunflower?" I dare to ask as I walk through the door Peter holds open for me.

He chuckles behind me, entering behind me and shutting the door before heading to the arrangement of machinery in the small room. Two chairs. One lounger and the other a rolling one, it reminds me of a Doctor's office. "You know, because you're from Amity, sunflower, get it?" I don't bother to reply, instead rolling my eyes when he isn't looking. No point in annoying the man judging my ability to be a member of Dauntless. "Well good thing you didn't join Erudite."  
I scoff at that, unable to resist, and sit down in the lounger chair when he gestures for me to. "So what happen now?"

"I stick a needle in you, and you face your biggest fears." I finish adjusting in the chair to look cautiously at the man currently going through a drawer, pulling out a long needle and looking back at me. "Scared of needles?"

"No." I say with the most amount of confidence I can muster. "Do you see… my fears?"

"Kind of have to, you know, _judge_ you. What did you expect? That I take your word for it?"

"So is it a simulation?"

He scoffs, not responding, and taking a seat in the chair next to me holding the needle up, almost sadistically. I keep a poker face, not even looking away as he holds it up to my neck. "Playing tough are we?" He says as he lines up the needle.

"I'm not playing." It is then that the needle punctures my skin and my fingers clench onto the chair beneath of me, but I don't squirm of give any indication of pain of fear.

 _'That was a pretty bold thing to say, guess I have to prove it now.'_ I think as the room bleeds to black and my eyes force themselves closed…

The sky is pitch black and rain is pouring in a torrential downpour, the grass moves in every direction at the mercy of the powerful wind. My heart is racing, and as I try to move, I realize my feet are stuck to the ground. My eyes dart around and I realize I'm back in Amity, trapped, but where is everyone?

 _"Calla…"_ A slimy whisper from behind me, I spin around and see a darkened shadow of a figure approaching. Lightening strikes beside him and lits the grass on fire, following the man's steps…

He's everyone and no one. His face morphs and changes. He's Douglas, Harvey, Asher, Peter, Eric…

He's getting closer and I know what he is going to do, what I'm going to have to suffer through, I scream and pull on my feet and try to escape. But I'm trapped.

The face of the approaching creature continues to morph through different males until finally it settles on one, the true face. The face I only have seen twice in real life but a thousand times in my nightmares.

"No, no!" I don't belong here, I don't belong in Amity, and I have to get _away._

He punches me first, throwing my to the ground, its like he has super strength. And then he's kicking me, right in the stomach; I curl up and squeeze my eyes shut. He's on top of me, kicking me, pushing me. Taunting me. His skin is slimy, too close. He's consumed me.

My crying slows and I thrash underneath him, trying to kick him of or land any punches. Nothing lands, he's inhumanely strong, its like I'm a child again- unable to defend myself. Unable to escape him.

I squeeze my eyes shut. _'Count to ten… count to ten… It'll be over soon.'_

 _Ten… Nine… Eight… Seven… Six…_

I jolt awake, my hand up in the air, as if I'm about the swing at the closest thing. I almost do, until a hand stops me. Peter, I almost punched Peter.

"Whoa there Sunshine, hands down." He mocks, I oblige, lowering my arms and trying to recompose myself.

He had seen that. It could be worse… Eric could have been the one watching. I don't even think about how embarrassing that would have been.

"Not too terrible, Sunshine, you're free to go." I don't take another indication that I'm allowed to go, rushing out of the chair and out of the side door, and without realizing I begin running.

It wasn't my original intention, it just happened, and soon I just kept running. And I don't stop running, not even as my lungs burn, I keep running until I get to the Initiative room, and even then in my head… I'm running.

* * *

It has been forever. I know. I'm sorry. Plus this chapter is way shorter than my usual. Sorry. I don't even know how many people are still reading at this point, but I want to continue this story. I'm not going to go and tell my life story but things have just been an insane half of the year, and kind of terrible, but maybe that's too personal? Anyway I'm apart of a team sport and we have two seasons a school year and I ended off the last update after the second one started because it is a lot more time consuming and boy was it terrible and stressful, but it is done now and I'm free. I want to finish this story. It has not been abandoned, it will continue even if the updates take a year in between (okay but seriously no more of that, I want to update this WEEKLY, I won't even let a month go by. I'm committed to finishing this)

Side note, it would be greatly appreciated if any reading this would comment or leave some feedback because that's definitely what forced me to still write and commit to this after all that time, it really does help get me going. And next chapter will have a LOT more Eric, and I think you guys will like it.


	16. Chapter 16: Wounds

Thank you to reviewer alicia9909 I really appreciate the suggestion of a recap (I definitely should've thought to include that on the last one) so here is a quick mid-story recap of what has happened so far:

Amity born Calla Horne transfers to Dauntless and immediately finds trouble despite her knack for endurance. Struggling with strength and even quickly having a falling out with her new friend Erudite born Thea and consequentially Ash, leaving her with Abnegation born Willa and Candor born Connie, and finds herself enemies with Douglas, Harvey, and Cleo who prank and sabotage her whenever given the chance. Determined to grow strong she begins going in for extra training and also has increasingly strange interaction with the intimidating Eric who sets out a puzzle for her to figure out why he asks differently around her. After growing accomplished in fighting, increasing her ranking, and winning the War Game she makes it past the first round of cuts, though not everyone- including Connie's longterm boyfriend- make it.

I believe this is the most important information, any other important things will be explained or reviewed in narration as to avoid confusion.

* * *

 _"I love you as certain dark things are to be loved, in secret, between the shadow and the soul." -Pablo Neruda_

Chapter Sixteen: Wounds

After the long morning of facing or deepest and darkest fears, the majority took the most natural course of action. Drinking and lots of it. For some, after the tiresome morning my mind felt depraved and grim enough for me to drink until I couldn't think but at the same time I needed my mind to stay sharp. The tension was only worse with an even tighter cut approaching, and the attitude of the group felt heated with dangerous energy from the liquor and simulation, I couldn't let my mind slip. No matter how tempting.

Willa didn't seem like drinking either. Though she looked like she could use it, she had her elbows propped up at our table and was holding her forehead in her hands, the sound of the crowded Pit didn't seem to be reaching her. I was tempted to comfort her, but was unsure how to achieve such. Instead I slipped into myself, looking to the crowd of sweaty bodies in the middle of the room. As if maybe by focusing on other people's life I could distract from my own.

Heading our way was Ash and Connie, the two had left earlier for more drinks, and Ash looked like he was being swayed by an invisible wind. Connie held him up and guided him our direction, but she didn't seem to satisfied with the task, her face held a deep scornful look.

"Cal and Willlaaaa!" Ash sang as Connie forced him into the seat across from Willow and closest to the wall. His body leaned back against the stone and his arms flailed beside him as if he might be flying.

I gave a small smirk, though his appearance was more revolting than humorous, and turned to Connie. Something about the glint in her eyes, the way she yanked out the chair across from me and sat, I could tell that she was a loaded gun. Ready to shoot. My smirk fell and I fingered the hem of my shirt in pent up energy. I could not step out of line with her, that much I knew about her current state. She was drunk, but not enough to be out of her mind, just enough to have a lose tongue.

"This idiot." Connie near growled as she glanced angrily at Ash. "As if I wanted the responsibility of having to care for him, like we all don't want to be out of it for the night, some of us just accept our responsibilities."

I was taken back, and from the way Willa sat up from her slouched position she was as well. The comment was less of the problem- it was the fact Connie said them.

"Take him back to the room then, maybe throw him in the shower and put him to bed, hopefully that'll do the trick." I suggested.

Connie frowned. "Why don't you do it?" My heart to seemed to flip, I knew where this was going, and she was itching for a fight. I wasn't sure I wanted one, especially not from her; I needed all the allies I could get. "Yeah, I'm talking to you, too good for it? I liked you better when you were the scared weak Amity who knew it, now that you got eleventh place you think you're tough shit? Still not good enough to make final cut." The room continued to be too loud, and the world didn't seem to take any notice to what was happening with four Initiates in one corner table, but it sure as hell seemed like it for a moment.

I was shaking, a stomach twisting sensation, rage flooded my entire body and I felt strongly like responding. But I couldn't.

"Why do you deserve to be here?" Connie continued, sadness almost seeping into her voice. I knew she was hurting, that the lose of her boyfriend was too much to currently bare, but as soon as the words slipped from her mouth I knew I couldn't stay there much longer with retaliating.

I stood up, shoving my chair back under the table and striding away from the table. "Cal!" Willa called after me, Ash might have joined in her calls, laughing with no idea the weight of what just happened.

"You fucking coward, come back here! Come fight me, I know you wanna!" Connie shouted after me, screeching, the few Dauntless around us turned briefly as if eager for a fight. I didn't give in. I wouldn't let myself get kicked out of Dauntless over some drunk.

The entire way out of the Pit my blood seemed to boil and my entire body was shaking. And as soon as I left through the opening into the hallway leading back to the Initiate room, I felt my eyes watering. My heart raced. I was in between screaming and crying or a little of both.

 _Scared. Weak._

I had done so much to prove I wasn't that anymore, and now I felt cold and cut off, was there truth to what she had said?

I was trailing my way back through the familiar path when I heard the first groan of pain. My walk of self pity stopped as my wet eyes traveled to find the source of the noise. As I heard the uneven steps coming in my direction I quickly set off in the direction. Turning the corner, I saw a curled over body leaning against the wall for support. A hand crossed over the large chest to his shoulder as red seeped down both arms in thin droplets.

"Eric?" I said in disbelief, had I collapsed and fallen into a dream? The man bent over injured and in agony could not be the almighty Eric. But as the male looked up briefly, I saw those familiar cold eyes. "Eric!" I shouted and ran in his direction.

"Of course you are the one to fucking find me." He says as I reach him, and I can't tell if he says it as if it is a bad or good thing. I don't mind it, even if he wants to kick me away I won't leave him here to die.

Not him, not anyone. "What happened?"

"Got stabbed." He said and slowly removed his shaking hand to show the source of the blood, a slash in his chest near his shoulder. "Didn't hit anything important, it's fine."

"How do you know it didn't get your lung?"  
"I'm not dead yet, Doctor Horne." My last name feels strange on his mouth, and even stranger is when his good arm comes up to fall around my shoulders. His weight falls onto me and my knees buckle under his weight. "If you wouldn't mind, I'd prefer to not be making a visit to the clinic tonight."  
"Are you serious? You can be tough without being dumb." The words fall out of my lips before I can stop to realize whom I'm talking to.

 _'Then again considering I'm the only thing keeping him from collapsing, I might have some leeway.'_

"Don't think I'll forget about that one. You're getting cheeky now, don't blame you, you find my weak spot." What was his weak spot? The fact I was currently holding up the majority of his weight and he was bleeding out? It was as good as any, but with the lightness Eric took the comment I begin to assume he is delirious.

"I'm taking you to the clinic." I say and look in the direction.

His fingers dig into my shoulder. "Don't you dare."  
"Where the hell are you going to do then?"  
"Take me to my apartment, didn't you mention your mother being a nurse in Amity? You can patch me up." He was delirious, at that moment I was sure of it.

His body seems to give out as I'm about to respond, and my words are caught in my mouth. I flip my hair out of my eyes wishing I had braided it before heading it out. Where even was his apartment? Eric's fingers dig further into my shoulder as he groans. "Follow my directions." He swallows, seemingly trying to push away his reactions to the pain. Had I not woken up from the simulation this morning? Eric was asking for help, had allowed me to back talk, and currently was inviting me to his apartment. Was it just this morning that this same Eric was telling me to leave him alone?

I stay silent; the moment wasn't the best to start questioning him. One I had on my mind was just how the hell someone managed to stab Eric in the shoulder without dying a painful death. _'Unless they did and this was there last swing.'_

After a painfully long stretch of going through stretches of Dauntless halls and trails following Eric's vague directions, the majority taking us through back ways, avoiding people, Eric begins rummaging through his pockets. I glance down as I drag his body forward.

His bloodied hand pulls out a keycard and shoved it into my hand. I take it and inspect it momentarily. I had expected something more technological advanced and complex for a leader's apartment. Maybe an eye scan or fingerprint check.  
"Here," Eric said and gestured his head lazily to a dark grey door. My chest tightens as my heart skips a beat, standing in front of Eric's home feels wrong, like I don't belong here even though the owner himself is being held up almost solely by my own weight.

I fumble with the keycard and the door clicks open, a wave of cold air and darkness meets my eyes as I pause in front of the open door. "Are you going to just stand here?" Eric sneers.

Sighing, I push away my caution and enter the darkness.

It's big, not exactly as big as I imagined, but it's nice, and a little bit cleaner than I imagined. A small kitchen sits in one area of the main living room next to a wall and two doors, and a couch and small round table on the other.

"The couch." Eric groans and I carry him the last stretch to the black couch. Eric lets out grunt as he falls into the fabric. As soon as his weight is off my shoulders I realize just how much my shoulders hurts. I roll my shoulders and try to loosen the muscles as I stare down at Eric. "Under the sink." He says and I nod, shaking off my fear and heading towards the kitchen. On my way I switch on the light switches I pass. Opening the cabinet underneath the sink I find a first aid kit similar to the one my mother had in Amity. I just hope it has enough to take care of Eric's injuries.

 _'He could die, I'm not trained for this, I should take him to the clinic.'_ As I glance back at the figure on the couch I realize as much as I'm scared of the idea of failure I am of trying to convince Eric to go to the clinic as well.

I push my hair back and use the hair tie around my wrist to tie it up into ponytail. Eric smirks watching me. "Getting ready for surgery, Doctor?" My eyes narrow at him, he's delirious.

He sits up and moves his hands to the hem of his shirt. My eyes widen and I take a step back. "Relax, I don't know how you're supposed to stitch it up without being able to see it." Eric says as he removes his shirt. I sigh and try to remind myself that this in no big deal.

"Stitches?" I ask, not focusing on his bare chest and instead on the gash now fully revealed. It could be worse, but it could be a lot better too.

Eric takes the first aid from my hands, opening it up. "Scared of needles?"  
I'm remind of Peter this morning, and then of the simulation, I shake it off and sit next to him on the couch and take back the first aid kit. Opening it up, I find rubbing alcohol and a cloth. I get up momentarily to wet the cloth first with water. When I return I try to keep my eyes away from Eric and instead focus on the gash. Pretending it is someone else still does little to calm my nerves, but helps with focusing.

As I finish washing away grim and blood I open up the bottle of rubbing alcohol, the strong scent meeting my nose, sadistically I grin at the idea that at least the sting from this we'll somewhat make up from Eric's various stunts. Eric scoffs and I realize he is watching me. "Don't think I'm about to give you the satisfaction of-."

I stop him before he can finish his sentence by placing the alcohol soaked cloth against his wound, a daring move but it was worth it to see his breath intake as he bites his teeth together and gives a small hiss. After the initial pain Eric seems to be back to his stoic "I feel no pain", the only indication of the stinging in the whiteness on his knuckles of his tensed up fist.

"What happened to the damn girl who couldn't handle to be in the room with me?"  
A small grin slips onto my lips as I continue to dab the cloth against the gash, gently trying to sanitize the area. "I got brave."  
"Too brave, I should knock you down a few pegs, make you do laps or cleaning the toilets or something." Eric mutters through gritted teeth.

I chuckle, its about as teasing as Eric gets, still reminiscent of the _him_ for sure but there was something light about it. It hadn't been there before, especially not this morning, he wasn't even in this good of a mood when he had been kissing me. "I had a good teacher."

"Damn straight." Eric says, a release of breath meeting my hand pulling away and taking the antiseptic with me. "You ever done stitches?" He asks wearily as he watches me search for such tools in the kit.

I blush. "No, not really. I've seen it done, I've had them done, and I sewed but never a person… You could do it yourself you know." I don't bother to mention he could also get a trained nurse to do it, and how they could probably give him something to ease the pain, with him he would take it as an insult.

"I rather have you do it so I can have someone to blame if it gets fucked up, besides I'd have to do it with my left hand." I smirk at that, but the reminder of how easily (and likely) I am to screw this up emerges once more in my head. Trying not to focus on it, I instead find the appropriate string for stitches and a needle. I didn't fear needles, but I was unsure how I'd handle having to sew into flesh. The idea was sickening, but it didn't seem like there was much option.

My mind focuses completely as I hold up the needle to the now clean gash and pause, thinking the process through one last time before finally pushing the needle against the skin until skin broke and the tip sunk into Eric's flesh. I let out a sigh and pause.  
"It'd be easier if you did it a bit more sideways, maybe to actually stitch it together and not just poke a needle into my skin." Eric's tone is more strained, more sounding like his usual self this time, I don't blame him- I'd sound that way if I had an untrained sixteen year old poking needles into my knife wound with no pain relievers.

I nod but don't indulge him and instead continue with the suggestion in mind. After the first few stitches a few groans of fear and repulsion, I manage to tell that it seems to be doing even of a job of closing up the gash.

With Eric still in his vulnerable position I decide to make the dare and question Eric before he goes back to silence. "How did this happen."

I pull another stretch of stitching and he hisses something of pain and annoyance. After silence my eyes flicker up to see that Eric has been staring down at me, no longer my handiwork, but _me._ A frightening amount of intensity that more resembles the last night in the wall than all the times he was threatening and demonstrating his power and intimidation. "Do you really want to go down that path?" I think of the newspapers, of the news of supposed failure in Abnegation leadership, and what Tris had told me. Did I want to know?

"Would you tell me even if I did?" I inquire, my eyes searching with some sort of bravery to search for an answer, but he didn't seem about to make any comment.

After another moment of silence, I finish Eric's stitches. With no task no ahead of me, I could leave- I should leave. Glancing at the door, I make to leave when Eric's good arm reaches out to stop and pull me back down. "Don't go."

My chest swells, this was the man who had told me to get lost just this morning. It seemed Eric was a lot of things. Hot and cold. Intimidating. Captivating. He was also my first kiss. What was I supposed to think anymore? I never thought I'd be with anyone. I didn't _want_ it.

His hand moves up my arm in a slow crawl, like little electric shocks moving up my skin. I can't manage to look at him in the eyes and my arms begin to tremble. "You're terrified of me." He sounds disgusted and the weight of the couch shifts as he quickly gets up, cursing, running his good hand through his hair. He paced of to his kitchen before I hear glass crashing. Another round of curses.

"I'm not that. I know I am an asshole, but I'm not going to force you…" Eric continued from the kitchen.

He thought I didn't like him. My brain was shouting, pounding on the walls of my head, trying to force myself to speak and tell him that I wasn't near afraid of him as I should and that I did want to be with him but I just didn't know _how._

"You like me?" It is the first thing I can manage, it sounds small and pitiful but the room was quiet enough for it to be clear.

More crashing. I cringe. Maybe I should be afraid of him. "Do you want me to spell it out? I'm not going to sit here and confess some undying love for you, especially if you can't even stand me touching you, just fucking leave."

"I don't hate you." How do I say what I could never say? The truth pounds against my head, like screaming, I want to _scream._ It was like a drum.

"Of course, you're an Amity." Eric sneers, sounding more like the Eric I first was introduced to.

The pounding grows and I feel myself explode. "I _was._ And I'm not terrified of you, I didn't run away from last night did I? You ran away from me this morning. Maybe I should be scared of you- but I'm not Eric." I stand up , my hands clenched into a fist. Eric strides forward until he stands a foot away.

"So then I'm just so repulsive that you can't stand me touching you?"

I scoff, and fold my arms. "I told you, you gave me the choice to leave and I didn't."  
"But you did soon enough."  
My confidence falters and I look away from him. "It was going to fast. There are things you don't know about me." I barely manage to utter it out and my voice stutters.

I expect a joke about being a Stiff, but it doesn't come. "Why did you transfer?" His question catches me by surprise.

Something crosses my mind and I decide it seems the only way to put it, "We believe that peace is hard-won, that sometimes it is necessary to fight for peace. Amity isn't peace- they are a lie, they see peace as pretending like the world is this amazing and perfect place. It isn't- it never will be. How could I stand to live in a place like that?"

"We do not believe that we should be allowed to stand idly by." I glance up slightly surprised at Eric's following along.

Eric watches me and for the first time since it happened, I realize I want to talk about it. "When I was little, something really bad happened to me, something that isn't supposed to happen in the 'peaceful fields' of Amity. If it wasn't for one of the Dauntless guarding the fence stepping in a saving me… ever since then I kind of hated living there."

"What happened?"  
"I was almost…" I don't want to say the word. I hate the word. "I was raped and a Dauntless guard saved me." The silence that follows the confession feels on fire and lasts as long as any silence seems to have gone on. My stomach feels like it is trying to climb into my lungs.

He looks like he wants to fight something or bombard me with questions, but he doesn't. "We believe in ordinary acts of bravery, in the courage that drives one person to stand up for another."

The only sound that follows is the sound of breathing. The realization of what I've done hits me and it feels like my head had just been spun around a few times and I struggle to keep standing. I had never told anyone except for those who had to know for proper… actions to be taken. But admitting it now feels like a release, like the first fresh breath of air I've taken since that day, it is so overwhelmingly amazing that I feel myself choking back tears.

"You don't need to feel like you owe me anything." Eric starts, but I quickly shake my head.

"I don't." I admit, looking up at him.

Eric is not a hero, he is not the perfect kind soul any Amity girl growing up was supposed to imagine, and I guess he might not even be a good person to begin with. He could be cruel; he has been cruel to me- not even that long ago. But I feel myself grow entangled and know I can't leave, that I can't go back now.

My body moves on its own as I stand on my toes and reach up to press my lips against his and the rooms turns to static.

A/N- This chapter was a difficult one. Honestly it is different than anything I've written and I was so afraid to mess it up I needed a whole week to write it. For obvious reasons it's a pretty important chapter and hopefully I didn't mess it up. Don't think things will get sappy, that now Eric is a perfect little person because of one good moment, things just have their ups and downs. I also hope what happened to Cal does not seem force or taken too lightly, I knew from the beginning it was something I wanted to include even if it wasn't so central to the plot not just to give her a sappy backstory but because I wanted a character that was coming from a dark place and then showing the development, so hopefully no one is offended by it. Sorry for rambling, next chapter will be less dramatic and dialogue and more action so stay in tune for that!

Also I was so happy and surprised when I saw that people are actually still reading! I'm very excited and really appreciated those of you who reviewed and showed your there, it is very encouraging!


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